Garbage in garbage out.

Garbage in garbage out.  

My mom used to say this phrase to us, as her explanation for us not being allowed to watch, read, or listen to something she didn't find appropriate.  Despite her best attempts, she couldn't shield us from bad things happening to us, but she could shield us from feeling the overwhelm of the worlds problems.

We didn't watch the news, or most any shows any of our friends did because odds are it had some sort of violence, or the innocent sexuality that was shown in the 90's, or some music mom thought was written for Satan.  

Despite the sheltered feeling, we obviously were allowed to interact with kids around us, and ran around our little corner of the world freely; because mostly we were hanging out with trees more than people (at least I was), or it was my brother having to drag his little sister around.

They were simpler times and it felt easier to absorb than today.  I'm here to remind you all that we AREN'T made to be able to take on all of the world's problems.  It's too much for one person.  Finding that discernment on how much you will expose yourself, is just another one of the many sweet little lessons my mom instilled in us, without really know how much it would benefit me today.  

I don't want to watch a bunch of garbage, and as much as I find it important to be an informed citizen; I know I can't try to take it all on.  This is where our current days are confusing us. There's some polarization's happening that I see making people feel like they have to carry every heavy event happening right now. 

YOU DON'T HAVE TO participate in it ALL.  Trying to take on the entire weight is too much, and it's paralyzing.  It usually leads to the overwhelm that sends me running to hide from the internet. Here's what I have seen, those who are focused on one issue, know it inside and out, and can speak to anyone without being triggered because they are so well versed; those are the ones truly making huge strides in our world!

So yes, you may feel it all because those who are alive and really awake can't help but feel it all; but you don't have to take it all on.  Choose which is yours, and never stop educating yourself. Learn it so well inside and out, that you can learn to talk to those who oppose you.  

This is the time y'all, for us to cultivate some of the most bad ass leaders across the board, that knowledge wins over opinions, truths win over financial gains, our voices begin to carry a little more weight; because we carry more power.  Because right now our biggest power is knowledge.  Part of that is discerning where to put your attention.  I know where mine is.  Do you?  

I am what I judge.

Y'all, I must admit, it's a tough day to blog.  I find myself being pulled in many different directions, not unusual. I'm torn between adding to the chaos of reactions swirling around, sharing some personal stuff on my mind, or maybe even finally answer everyone's herbal questions.  I find myself equally pulled to my normal retreat.  When the noise gets loud, my response is to just shut it out; but I can't help but feel like I need to be here.

It seems self serving sometimes to believe my blog is helping anyone, it's not like I'm in Africa bringing those hurting children some clean water and food, or like I'm standing in the front lines in North Dakota giving the indigenous of our world a break from fighting so hard for our planet. I'm sitting in my comfy writing nook, safely tucked away in our little suburban bubble, as I wrap up in my favorite sweater and a cup of organic coffee because 60 degrees feels chilly to me.  However, because I can't do any of those things, because I am meant to be here taking care of my husband, and being on this path right now; writing is my offering. 

So while at some point you may get one, none, or all of the blogs mentioned above; today I'm going down a road not everyone will follow me down.  Yesterday, without understanding my reasoning, I had a wild idea to make a Facebook status asking for people to give me their opinions even if they differed from mine.  This just 3 days after I made a status telling you not to comment your oppositions on my page.  I am beginning to see why people find me so flaky. 

After yesterday's response I felt a little nudge to following this.  I'm not sure where it's going exactly, because while a part of me was able to allow people to speak and share their opinions, the other part of me did have to have a lengthy discussion with someone (the personal I hinted at above), where I felt not as quick to allow their opinion to be heard/seen.

There's this balance between allowing people the room to speak and walk their truths, and the times where maybe they need to hear the other side.  I suppose it's not an accident that as I am being shown my struggles with this balance, the whole world is.  We are after all a direct reflection.

Oh Hope, you can't say that I'm not racist.  Sure, I'm glad that MOST of you aren't; but are you lumping all of those on the other side into one group?  Because, as much as some of you might not like to hear this, some of you are doing what you say you don't like.  Hey, I'm there with you.  Seriously, pause for a second, and think about where you are with this.  Be HONEST with yourself.  Are you allowing others displaying behaviors you don't like, bring the same behavior out in yourself.  If so, will you stare it in the face with me?

Look today, I casually referred to the Donald, as that orange man running the office; and I stopped and looked at our aide who is African American and I said, "OMG, I'm racist."

She quickly said, "What no you're not Hope?"

I said, "I just called Donald that orange man.  Wouldn't I be a little racist if I said, 'That black man in office.'"

She stopped what she was doing and said, "How are you so insightful?  You're right.  You're not racist though, you caught yourself doing what we're afraid of them doing. You are okay."

Here's another struggle I had in the past 12 hours. I get into a discussion with this person, and it's immediately blindingly obvious how much we weren't speaking to each other, more at one another.  Back and forth, back and forth; neither of us willing to see the other side.  Both whole-heartedly convinced that we are right.  Of course then the words come to me, in that status I made about keeping your opinions off my page, I said, "You aren't going to change my mind."

Mostly, I thought I meant it because I was growing weary with people trying to make me feel like I wasn't allowed to have my own beliefs or thoughts; but it's because I stopped listening to others, just like I said everyone else was doing.  You are what you judge, and man it's not hidden these days.  That's why we are all feeling it.  WE SHOULD BE.  It doesn't matter what side of this you're on (even if you're floating somewhere in the middle as the rainbow trying to bridge the gap), we should all be feeling it.  You know why?

It's Trump's entire purpose.  If it wasn't we wouldn't be getting demonstration after demonstration of what isn't working being shown to us.  He's here to show us what we need work on (aside from everything).  I know we need people standing up, and speaking up, and fighting for the health of our country and those in it; but we equally need to stop and reflect on our roles in this.  

I don't care what side you are on, YOU ARE PLAYING A ROLE IN THIS.  We all are, and until we all see it; well, this is just the beginning.  

(self) knowledge is power.

I recently started to really tune in to my moods/feelings, and started tracking my days, and here's what details I include:

1. How I feel each day (including all of my feelings, because it is normal they change through the day.) 
2. What sign the moon is in (because that babe has more influence than most give it credit)  
3. What I ate that day (because food is my most important tool)
4. Who I interacted with (am I still allowing the energy vampires?) 
5. Social media use/things I did that day (Did I spend all day scrolling through my phone/did I participate in my goals/hopes).
6. Steve's health (This is obvious). 
7. Where I am on my cycle (Again hormones are obvious and important). 
8. Did I include any self care in my day (Am I helping cultivate healthy emotions, am I treating myself kindly?)

It may seem like a lot, but at the end of each day, I just jot down a few sentences reporting the essentials on the day, on average it takes me 5 minutes.

 So why am I taking 5 minutes and the paper to do this?

To be honest, I never put much thought into why I was feeling certain things, that didn't have an obvious explanation; I just sort of went in whatever direction my feelings wanted to take me.  It took me seeing those who I would hurt while I was following those feelings to realize I needed to understand. 

There's a power in knowledge, and 2017 really requires more learning and understanding; so I decided to start with myself.  It may appear a little premature to write on this, since I just started it Jan 1st, but I have found such valuable growth in this short time, I wanted to put it out there, in case anyone else is feeling a pull in this direction.  

I have gained more knowledge on the power of food, about my needs for alone time, and about how outside forces (ie: the moon, the world) influence me; but mostly I have gained patience. Without intending to, I find myself able to take that extra deep breath before reacting, or I find myself able to step away from something if it isn't for me (ie: social media). 

I know there are an increasing amount of things out of my control happening all around me; so now seemed like a great time to really gain some control on how I react.  I tried for a large time, and I believe the breakthrough where I understood my feelings toward Steve, displayed that understanding will be my guide.  

If you are reading this thinking, "I can relate to the unexplained feelings", "I snapped at my husband yesterday without knowing why", "I think I get angry without food too", or simply, "I would like to understand my feelings." Try it.  Make a time you do it everyday, and just sit down and quickly write it down.

The more I can understand myself, the more I can utilize my power.  Knowing what triggers me, is a large part of being able to withstand the waves in this world.  Bottom line is, knoweledge is power. 

I get it from my momma...

This weekend as I watched my mom power through pain to help me carry a pallet up my yard, despite me being insistent I could do it alone, it demonstrated something I desperately needed this odd weekend. No complaints, just a stumble here, an apology for needing to sit down there, or me reminding her to stop.

As I watched her carry on in whatever direction I took us on for that hour, she mirrored something for me. I'm often sharing some of my areas of growth, because writing helps me process, after a weekend with her however, my strengths feel like they have a little spot light on them.  

It's strength.  Its grace.  It's drive. Perseverance. It's in understanding that if you can keep the mind right the body will follow. It's the energy you can muster up when you're in the flow. Especially when you're in it with someone you love.

My mom may have severe pain from advanced arthritis, but it's not stronger than her spirit. This same spirit is the same spirit, that reminds me that everyone deserves a chance, that love is stronger than hate, and that even when the world seems like it's falling apart I can keep going forward.  

There's this special magic she instilled in me, one that I went most of my life without noticing, it's in knowing that whatever I pursue, no matter how challenging; if I'm in, I can do it.  She never necessarily spoke those words to me, it was more in her actions.  I'll write in this much more detailed in my book; my mom didn't have easy circumstances pretty much my entire childhood, but she always found the answer to problems, she always moved forward, I never saw her stuck in any problem.  Even if all she knew to do was pray (much more important than I ever gave it credit for during those times), she knew she would find a solution, and she always did. 

While, I was feeling the world's energy pretty intensely this weekend, my mom was there to remind me, it wasn't mine.  That discernment in knowing which paths to get taken down, and which ones just aren't meant for me; is something without her knowing she demonstrates seamlessly.  The balance of standing up for what you believe in with respect for others beliefs, the knowing that you can still care deeply for others and keep yourself in focus. 

So thanks mom, if there was every a weekend I needed you and your grounded grace, it was this one. <3

A word for the strong ladies out there, and it's not the B one.

This will be my last post for the week, as my Momma is coming in tomorrow for the weekend! :) YAY!

So many things floating through my mind to blog about, but with this weekend being the women's march, I'm feeling the pull to write on strong females.  I used the word "bitch" in Monday's blog to describe myself, as I was talking about some resentment with Steve; and the response stirred up some words.

As women, we are taught to keep our opinions to ourselves if they aren't "nice" and that if we speak up for ourselves, we're bitches.  I almost didn't even realize I still had it so ingrained into my being; until female after female spoke on how speaking your truths, and acknowledging your own feelings certainly didn't make them describe me as a bitch.

So why was it something I thought of?  Well, lets start with the fact that upon me saying those words, I was immediately called a bitch by Steve.  I'm not throwing him or all you men under the bus here; the fact is WE ARE ALL conditioned to think like this, men and women.  

Why?  What is it about a woman who speaks her mind that automatically lumps her in the B word category?  Perhaps it's years and years of women being oppressed, to be made to feel like they aren't allowed opinions.  I consider it a privilege that I am able to write a blog sharing my thoughts and feelings so freely; because not too long ago that wouldn't be possible.  Even still it's 2017,  and it is that way for many females out there, scared to speak their minds because it's literally life or death.

I've come to realize that it doesn't matter what side of this weird forced divide you are on, and what any of us want to see happen in our world, it won't until we all start seeing EVERYONE as equal. Meaning we all have rights, freedoms, our safety, opportunities, ... I can keep going, but I believe you're all smart enough to get it.  

Some scary changes will be happening this year, but I am not without hope.  In fact, I've never felt more hopeful.  Look I know we have a long way to come together, but like the great Joseph Campbell said, "You can't cook an omelet without breaking eggs."  This break in our world, is now an opportunity.  For us to stand up for what is right, and hopefully in the end we slowly start to come together. 

Call me a feminist, a hippie, an idealist, a dreamer; hell whatever, just don't call me a bitch; and I won't either.  Because, it's time for us all to learn to be able to stand in our truths, and feel okay with the response even if it's negative. 

Also, because I feel this is important to include: Yes, Steve knows I'm sharing his words in this blog, and immediately after saying this he pleaded for forgiveness. Steve's truths are just as valid as mine, and in that moment that's how he felt.  He also said to add, "You're right the word Bitch and it's meaning is definitely an ingrained thing for us, one i'll work to break. We wouldn't be able to survive this if you weren't a strong female." 

And there you have it. 

The ocean doesn't stop moving.

"The dark night of the soul comes just before revelation.  When everything is lost, and all seems darkness, then comes the new life and all that is needed." Joseph Campbell

2017 feels different to me, in fact much of the world feels different to me these days.  So many times in 2016, I had big plans for our world, just to have those plans torn apart by something. Over and over again, I would have these waves come crash over me (us), sweeping me (us) off of my(our) feet.  Then having to exert so much energy just to get my feet back on the ground.  It came over and over again, until I finally got it.  

It's a magical life to be able to experience life changing growth together with your partner.  The two of us, cling to each other for dear life as we are tossed around; and as I finally get my feet on solid ground, I can help get Steve there with me. 

"When the world seems to be falling apart, the rule is to hang onto your own bliss.  It's that life that survives."  Joseph Campbell.

Instead of allowing those waves to knock me over, life was teaching me to ride them.  To trust the current, because it was taking us where we needed to go.  The world was falling apart, around us, and in on us; and we hadn't figured out the importance of hanging onto our bliss yet.  Steve would naturally follow me under the current, leaving both of us flailing for air.  

I don't always know how to adequately write on the ways in which my being/doing/acting; is what steers our life.  Steve's so heavily dependent upon me, and our connection is one where when I feel, he feels (when he feels, I feel), and when I respond to those waves in a way leaving us vulnerable to being taken under, Steve follows.

The waves will still come, of course, because that's life; the ocean doesn't stop moving.  I'll just put in the work to aim for riding those waves, instead of letting them crash on top of me.