How do you follow that?

For starters, thank y'all for your response to yesterdays blog! It's daunting almost to ever write another one again after the response you gave me. ;) Alas, here I am sitting in my trusty writing nook.  Many of you may have figured out by now, writing is how I process and heal.  Everything that gets written here was scribbled frantically in a journal loosely woven together prior to making it on screen.  You also may know, I mostly write in the present, so my blog goes in whatever direction the moon is taking me that day.

Yesterday's blog is a rare exception, because I had been sitting on those words, for sometime, until Friday I finally broke through and was able to finally sit in front of them again, and edit.  I almost had a fear, that if I wrote about it anymore, some of the walls we broke through recently, would build again.  It's one of my superstitions, that I carry around, much like why I won't answer the questions to how Steve is, with a direct, he's great/good/positive/ etc, I usually dance around it.  

Fear is another one of those real feelings I tend to shove somewhere it doesn't belong just for it to bubble over when the heat gets turned up.  It's safe to say, I'll be processing the many lessons of 2016 probably the rest of 2017; there's so much to absorb and assimilate.  Fear is an odd emotion, because sometimes it's there to show us something; perhaps to alert us to true danger, or to show us we are on the right path (sometimes really huge progress in life is scary). Other times it's there to test us, "Okay you, how dedicated are you really to following this dream of yours?"  Then there are the other times where it's just fabricated in your mind, and it's a huge waste of time.

The problem with shoving feelings away before you process them, is that they will never truly "go away" UNTIL you process them.  There will always be something that brings them back up to the surface, until you face them.  Once you sit with them, and tear apart the many layers they hold, often times you find the most beautiful gifts.  How many times can you look back upon a time you faced a really big fear, and how incredible you felt after?

Finally writing that blog yesterday, feels like I released myself.  I know I'm often very forthcoming on ways in which I would blow up on Steve; and I have found little fear in sharing that.  However, the 'why' terrified me.  After hitting save and publish, I instantly felt a sense of ease, and each comment I read lifted me higher and higher.  So thank you.  I hope now that I have some more followers I can continue to share the real, raw, and authentic; and not suck. ;) 

While you're on here today reading the blog, hope on over to the shop.  I finally got the energy/time to make some new listings!  Just when the well ran dry, this one being the bank well of sorts. Remember for every painting I sell, I will gift one to a caregiver.  To nominate email me!  So thankful for the opportunity to create and the amazing joy it brings me.  Your support makes this life amazing! xox

Real life is what's important

I debated whether to share this in a blog, save it for my book, or simply keep it to myself.  After thinking about it a few days, and talking it over with Steve, here it is.  

As a caregiver, I found myself struggling with, "How do I address my needs from a relationship standpoint with Steve, when he's fighting for his life."  Half of me would think, "Okay Hope shove this inside," and the other half, is just unable to fake anything in life, and would end up with little outbursts of true feelings coming out.  

Of course this internal back and forth went on for some time, but always my truth would come out, whether in frustration with Steve needing me, to frustration for others needing me.  Here's the truth, I was struggling with having a husband who had too little energy for a chat, or to have conversations at all aside from him communicating things he needed from me; but I would see him have energy to scroll through TV or chat with strangers on his sports sites.  

If you've followed Steve and I long enough, spent more than just a few hours a year with us, watched our documentary, or even know a little about relationships; you probably already know that we aren't what appears to others on the outside, that perfect love story.  Yes, we are my favorite love story, and some days we are that love and joy people see so much of from us; but other days we are screams, tears, and mean words; quickly coming to beg for forgiveness.  We love hard, and cut deep because we know how.  No matter where we stand that day, however, I still show up.  So not hashing out what is truly bothering me, and brushing it off, as frustrations of the day, led to this.

I began resenting Steve for needing me.

Before y'all starting throwing the "Bitch" word at me, let me say this.  Yes, Iwhile 've struggled for over a year with thinking, "I am a bitch he can't help but need me, what's wrong with me?"

What was wrong with me, was I was trying to shove all that was bothering me in; so deep into my soul, to the point where it effected my very being.  My technique of ignoring my needs, struggles; hoping they would disappear led to this.

A month ago, I reached my explosion.  Where I just let Steve have it all, all that I had been hiding deep down.  I basically said, "I could leave right now and not look back, if I didn't feel so committed to you."  

Yeah yeah, I know that B word is coming up again for y'all, trust me I'm there with you.  

We are at a point in our world where we can no longer pretend everything's perfect.  True in the end things turn out okay, and holding onto that feeling helps; but it doesn't stop you from having to address what's not okay in this moment.  

Recognizing that gives us permission to speak our truths, and makes the really hard things in life work and mold into something epic.  

If it's not a challenge, there's a chance it's not real.  It's either not your real path, real feelings, real life.  I don't want to participate in the "fake" anymore.  I deeply love Steve, and it's that love, that pulls us through the rocky times.  I know my taking care of Steve is much bigger than Steve or myself at this point, and I also know that moments of being deeply unhappy, are there to show us something.  Not to try to hide in the depths of our being. 

Just as Steve and I constantly fuel up to warrior on against ALS, we also do it for our love, and despite whatever dark we go through, we won't stop heading to that light.  The very amazing Martin Luther King Jr. said it best, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light an do that.  Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."  

Now cracked wide open for Steve to see all of it, light can get in, to heal what I've been putting off for too long.  It can heal me, it can heal Steve (let's be honest I've been making him feel like a burden, because I resented him for too long), and it can heal us.  

Ignoring the problem, doesn't make it go away, it makes it messy.  So here we are in our mess.  It's a beautiful mess though, one that is bringing us lessons we need.  Which is why I know it's important, and this blog is important.  Because it's real. 

Real life is what's important. 

sweet devotion....

Watching the sun lowering behind the trees, feeling the breeze blowing through my hair, and hearing the birds serenade me; I sit outside to soak up this gift of a January 70 degree day.  It was one where garden drawing and soil learning took priority to blog/book writing; but alas here I am, showing up. :)

Devotion: The love, loyalty, or enthusiasm for a person, place, or thing.  

Often times when people hear the word devotion they think of: relationships or spirituality; which is really the only place I ever had such a space for showing up.  It's only recent that I've been able to cultivate the same devotion for all of my life.  It took understanding that, without action, none of my goals or hopes for my life will ever come into fruition.  In order to find my way to show up everyday, I had to find devotion. 

At first, I felt silly to consider applying such a beautiful thing, like devotion, to simple tasks, like blogging daily, studying, or creative pursuit; but now I feel silly to ever think not to.  Without anything to ground me in a routine/ritual, I found easy excuses not to show up.  For instance today, I would have easily skipped sitting down to write this blog, because my time outside was too enjoyable.  

Devotion, helps me realize that as easy as it is to make an excuse, it's just as easy to pick up my laptop and take it outside to write. It really is that simple.  

If you are finding it hard to show up for yourself, or someone else in any capacity; find the devotion.  The definition itself guides you how.  Love.  It's all about love.  My hopes, desires, and really me; I deserve my devotion as much as Steve and God do.  

I would love to hear from y'all!  What areas do you need to find more devotion in?  Have you recently discovered this same thing?  If so, where were you needing to show up?  

Love you all-happy weekend-see you Monday. <3

xox

Bird and Paint Medicine

I finally got into the studio to paint, hence why this blog is a little later today.  I had been craving a day of paint medicine.  I walked into discovering a bird had passed away in my shed. To think that bee I put outside yesterday survived, and today I loose an animal.  I of course cried, and gave the bird a proper burial and prayed it to be in peace.  There are feathers in the painting, I found the babe on; which I will be keeping, and keeping the feathers there to honor it.  

I ended up having a rather lovely painting afternoon after that, it was good to release some emotions I had building up with that cry, and painting always brings me back to joy.  I was thinking about how artists, have these moments where they don't do anything, but follow inspiration.  When it's nice that's me wandering around in the trees or flowers, getting grounded.  In winter, it's strolling through the house allowing the many spaces in my house to inspire me.  It's spending hours watching birds and squirrels and wind, sunlight shows to really reconnect me to natures flow.  

Today's paint session truly felt like the bird was giving me some love and peace, in return for asking some for it; in that it gave back to me a lovely afternoon of Steve resting comfortably and peacefully and me being able to splash colors on whatever was in my path.  

If you're an artist, and you've beaten yourself up for spending too much time starring at a flower, or a piece of art on your wall, or the way the sun dances in the wind; don't.  It's a beautiful part of you, that helps you connect with all that's ready to come out and shine light on the world.  

That bee was speaking to me.

I struggled with something today, that to some it may appear silly.  A bumble bee came and landed on my altar recently, and it hadn't moved in some time, that I assumed it had passed over, and was just looking for a spot to do it.  It was a really powerful symbolic message, and if you've ever read any of the book, Animal Speaks by Ted Andrews, I'm sure you've gotten similar animal messengers. 

Today I noticed this beautiful being moved, and at first glance I thought, "Oh it fell over." Then watching closely I noticed the slightest movement.  Instantly my human instinct to kill the bee, kicked in.  The thought of, "It's suffering I have to put it out of it's misery right," but something stopped me.

Steve, without knowing it stopped me.  If you've followed my blog these past 5 years, you know I will run she wolf on anyone who suggests, "It's time you let Steve go," usually in reference of he's suffering, let him cross over.  These innocent strangers of course don't "intend" to hurt me to my core, with these words, but the truth is they do.  I don't know if I've really looked too much into it, besides my ever common response of, "Don't take away how beautiful it is that Steve gets to choose how far he goes on this ALS journey."  

This bee today showed me something a little deeper and significantly more meaningful.  I believe that bee, just like Steve could decide to let go.  Something felt very powerful in that this bee was choosing to sit with it's suffering, as Steve does as well.  Because on the other side of whatever suffering there may be, is something beautiful coming or by simply sitting and being in suffering you are helping others.  

Now of course, don't take this to the extreme end (reference blog yesterday on how extremism will trip you up), and think that means you don't help animals you see abandoned, or you don't get upset at mistreatment of an animal or another person.  Yes, there are times you step in, and you stop.

This is a different level, this is bigger than you, me, or that person/being suffering.  This is about what them experiencing their suffering for us to to see, does for us.  Us in this example is the collective. What this suffering is bringing to them, what light is on the other side, and what it teaches us about sitting in our discomfort; whatever it may be.  For this little bee, today it was to be carried outside to allow nature to take it's course.  If I see this thing barely hanging on for life after being in it's own habitat sure maybe then I'll do my "kindness", but this one doesn't feel up to me.  

Stepping off the ping pong table.

Here I sit at my favorite writing nook, with my antique desk and tea cup succulents; typing, and hitting delete on repeat, it's not that uncommon for blog time.  With a constant distraction with seeing a squirrel scurry up a tree or a clump of birds come flying in for feeding. The window I sit at is like having a front seat to a nature show. I sit and try to recall the well written blog I wrote in my mind last night, as I laid curled up in bed perfectly sandwiched between pups; my mind draws a blank.

Tracking the number of species of birds, I've seen thus far, so I can tell Steve when hes up, trying to get down my breakfast I've managed to have for 13 days in a row, and watching the clock to assure I have everything ready for this morning's wound care are occupying my mind more than words.  

Suddenly, my phone pings at me, "Did you take your vitamins?" I click check, going in to the app, to make sure I check breakfast and morning routine off the list.  Yep, I'm working on building healthy habits. 

Finally stopping the ping pong game I'm playing with myself, I am understanding that despite years of people telling me, I can't hold contradictory behaviors, beliefs, feelings, etc. I actually can hold whatever contradictions that serve me that I want.  

It doesn't have to be one or the other, or all or nothing; despite what people tell you.  It just has to be what balance works for you.   I would read an article saying "structure" creates the happiest people and think, "Okay that's it, everything is on a schedule."  Of course, that doesn't work, so then I would go to the other end, "F this, it's all about FREEDOM!!"  Realizing soon enough that didn't work either, I would go back and forth between extremes, always left analyzing why it didn't work again on this side of the table. 

I know I'm not alone in this, because a blog I wrote while right in the middle of the ping pong match, talking about how I was letting go of my extreme need for freedom and I was jumping on the structure side; got a lot of responses.  Lots of, "Girl, you just described my personality to a T." Now that I've stepped off the table, and can take a look I thought 'damn, how many areas in my life a I really playing ping pong with?'  

It's such an easy trap to fall into.  It's set up for us perfectly, so many people sharing things that work for them and their lives, and suddenly we think, "That's what I've been waiting for, I will follow that and find my happy place."  This mostly never ending with the results we want, and why?  It helped this person writing it so much, why not me?

It's simple.  It's not my life they are applying whatever works for them to, it's theirs.  No one is going to know what works for me, other than me.  So why was I out here seeking my truths from all these other people, when I had the answers inside all along?  Lord alone knows the answer to that one; but a large part of what it comes down to is learning to SHUT IT ALL OUT.

For even just a day, shut it out and ask YOURSELF what you need.  Here's how I have come to find if it's time to do a little shutting out.  If I read an article, blog, or listen to a podcast; because even if I'm no longer seeking how to live my life advice I still find myself deeply inspired by others who share their stories, and I can absorb this article, without feeling like I have to take on this person's life as my own; I'm in balance.  Much like my handy app, I can add the check.  

However, if I sit after reading another person's words, and feel, "Ugh I'm useless, I should be living my life like her." Sound the alarm, because something is NOT lining up here.  

This doesn't mean, I'm saying, you can't ask friends or teachers for advice, or you can never get an idea from someone else; of course not because that's an extreme thought (what I'm steering away from here).  It means, sure take whatever anyone gives you, and see if it fits, if not adapt it HOWEVER works for you.  Just don't forget you have the final say on finding what works for you.  You don't have to live other people's lives to have success or happiness; you simply have to live yours.