A Letter to Read at 1 AM When Your Mind is Telling You to Give Up
If you’re reading this, it means you’re awake in the quiet hours, battling a storm no one else can see. Maybe your mind is telling you that you’re too tired to keep going. Maybe it’s whispering that you don’t have it in you, that you should just stop trying.I know these thoughts. I know how convincing they can be in the dark. But I need you to hear me:
Your mind is not speaking the truth right now. It is speaking fear. It is speaking exhaustion. And exhaustion is not the same as failure.
There was a night, years ago, when I felt exactly this way. I was caregiving for Steve, and I was so tired—so stretched thin—that I snapped. I wasn’t the version of myself I wanted to be. I sat on the floor afterward, crying, wondering if I even had it in me to keep going. I thought, Maybe I’m not strong enough. Maybe I was never meant to handle this life.
But here’s what I wish someone had told me in that moment:
That moment was never proof of my weakness.
It was only proof that I was human.
And so are you.
Right now, your mind might be showing you every reason to give up. It might be painting a future that looks too hard, too lonely, too impossible.
But I need you to remember this: Your thoughts are not prophets. Just because your mind says something does not make it true.
If your thoughts are saying, I will never be okay—it’s a lie.
If your thoughts are saying, I don’t have the strength—it’s a lie.
If your thoughts are saying, Nothing will ever change—it’s a lie.
These are not truths. These are symptoms of exhaustion, of old wounds, of a body and mind crying out for rest.
When the darkness feels like it’s swallowing you, here’s how you anchor back to hope:
Come back to this moment. Not the past, not the future—just right now.
Place your hand on your heart. Feel that steady rhythm. Proof that life is still moving through you, even when it feels impossible.
Speak to yourself like someone you love. If a friend told you they felt like giving up, would you let them believe that? Would you say, Yes, you’re right, you should just stop trying? No. You would hold them. You would remind them that they are more than their hardest moment.
So, right now, be that friend to yourself. Say it out loud, even if you don’t believe it yet:
"I am not this thought. I am not my exhaustion. I will not let fear tell my story. I will not believe what my mind tells me in the dark."
Breathe in something bigger than this moment. The night is temporary. So is this feeling.
Take a breath in for four counts. Hold it for four. Breathe out for eight.
Again. And again. Until you remember that you are still here.
Right now, the darkness is lying to you. It’s telling you that you’ll never feel light again. That nothing will ever get better. That you don’t have what it takes.
But I promise you: The light is still here. You just can’t see it yet. Morning always comes. Even when you’re sure it won’t. You will wake up tomorrow, and the world will look different than it does right now. Maybe not perfect. Maybe not easy. But different. And in that difference, there will be space for something softer.
For a new thought, a new possibility, a new breath. For hope. So stay. Not because you have to.
But because you deserve to see what’s on the other side of this moment. You deserve to see yourself rise. And I promise you-you will.
Creative Fire
Creativity turned my rage into a productive use of fire. Fire requires tending—kindling, poking, air—and creativity is the same. It needs nurturing, space, and fuel. Tending to my creativity has built a life I’m excited to wake up to each day. It has opened me to the awe that surrounds me—the way the sun’s rays shine through the trees, casting patterns on my walls in the morning, the bird songs growing louder as we approach spring, the swirls in my coffee where my lactose-free milk creates unexpected patterns.
Even choosing my clothes is an act of creativity, deciding what colors and textures I want to be painted with that day, expressing the energy I’m harnessing. There’s awe in the way traffic flows through the city, in the way people dress, in the wind moving through the trees, in the daylist Spotify curated that somehow fits my mood perfectly each day. Creativity has expanded how I experience conversations, interactions, and the world itself.
It manifests in everything I do—in the way I dress, the art I make, the words I share on social media or YouTube, in my journal, my therapy and coaching sessions. Creativity reminds me that we have to build ourselves like a fire, through practice and showing up. It allows our creative voice to emerge in ways we may not even expect.
This is why creativity feels so closely linked to manifestation. Too often, I see people leaving their lives up to fate instead of actively co-creating with the universe; life requires tending to. Visualizing your dreams is just step one. To bring them into reality, we need action, consistency, belief, and creativity. Creating a dream life often means thinking outside the box, tapping into the creativity that is inherent to all of us.
Creativity saved me during my care-giving days. The anger that was eating me alive found an outlet—something that helped me transmute the energy into something productive. Now, it’s a daily practice that helps me harness my energy in a way that is constructive rather than destructive. As the world becomes more polarized and chaotic, creativity becomes even more essential. What do you do with the overwhelming feelings about everything happening around you? How do you manage the anxiety, the frustrations, the disappointments? You create with them. You write, draw, make videos, capture the awe that still exists and share it with others.
My journal is my biggest creative hub—a space for my ideas, doodles when I’m anxious, sketches of the birds, leaves, and flowers that inspire me. It’s where I reflect on the action I’m taking toward my goals, where I remind myself to stay focused, to resist the endless distractions pulling at my attention. It’s where I organize around the causes I care about.
The world needs us to focus on what causes we stand for instead of getting whiplash from the nonstop news cycle. The clearer we are on where we can make an impact, the more we know what to tune into and what to take action on. This is a time to process through creativity instead of reacting, to create space for intentional action. Do you know where you can make the most impact? If not, be curious. Journal about your gifts, explore the ways you can use them to bring positivity into the world and counterbalance the heaviness.
I’m not saying creativity can save the world—but it can save your world. It can help you show up with intention, presence, and connection. And the more we show up, the greater the ripple we create. If you want help finding a start in using creativity as a means to processing life, contact me. It would be an honor to help you Microdose hope in this way.
40 things I've learned in my 40 years on Earth
I turned 40 this weekend and it inspired me to share 40 things I’ve learned in my 40 years on Earth.
It’s easy to live life as if life will continue to go on as normal, but that’s not always true, and to live in truth means to live in reverence of each day we do get. When we live in that awareness not only does it keep us in reality but it helps us be more fully present in moments. If this can all end for me and my loved ones then I hope we really soak in each minute we get in this gift that we call life.
Time doesn’t heal all wounds, the work you do does. The phrase, “time heals all wounds,” has profoundly bothered me most of my life but it took me doing my own healing work to truly understand why. Yes, by nature time passing does make things less present in our minds but that doesn’t equate healing.
Gratitude isn’t just a trend that spiritual people are doing, it will change your life. When you can find the things in your life that you feel grateful for it helps that list grow. Perspective matters and gratitude is the fastest way to change your perspective on life. Gratitude is my day-to-day practice and it’s made my life brighter and more hopeful. Even on my darkest days I still find things to feel thankful for, and that returns the light a little bit.
Two things can exist at once: you can be extremely grateful and still sad or anxious. It’s okay to embrace both.
Until you feel at peace with who you are you will seek to fill a void in the outside world. You’ll be seeking for a long time, because you are the only one who can bring yourself that peace.
Being distracted from your problems isn't solving your problems. Sitting in the pain, discomfort, frustrations, and allowing yourself to experience whatever it is life is bringing you is how you solve your problems. Facing life is how you grow from it.
No matter how brave I become I still do most things scared, and embracing that instead of begrudging it helps me continue to show up in all things scary and exciting in life.
Pausing can change everything. Trying to change a habit, pause before you’re doing things and ask yourself why, trying to stop reacting, pause before the response and ask yourself if you will be okay with these words tomorrow. A pause gives you just enough time to think about what you are doing instead of allowing patterns to play out. Sitting in stillness to allow intentional pauses in your day is a wonderful way to pull on the pause when you’re triggered and need it most.
Sitting and watching birds bounce around on a branch as they chirp back and forth to their friends is as enriching as any stimulation you can watch on a screen, if not more.
Understanding yourself holds more value than any possession you own. Understanding yourself helps you know why you move the way you do in the world and how to gain control over any unconscious patterns.
Don’t spend too much time thinking about how to figure out how to do something, instead play and watch the answers reveal themselves. As an artist when I’m trying to figure out how to draw a bird vs when I allow myself to draw and see what comes out I always find more ease and clarity when I play. Play keeps you tapped into the inner wisdom that can be blocked when you overthink.
There is a solution to every problem. While it Italy my phone broke and when I was at the store trying to buy a new one, I was hit with a few problems, like my phone trying to text me to see if I was really spending this money, but having no phone to reply and speaking very limited Italian, I started to cry in a panic. The lady helping me who spoke limited English, said, “There’s a solution to every problem,” and then google translated that they were going to put my sim card into another phone so I could hit yes to the text. The power in her words, that she knew this phrase, in her limited access to English words stuck with me. There is always a solution to every problem.
How you connect with yourself will be a direct relation to how you connect with others. If you haven’t met the depths of yourself you won’t understand the depths of others. If you don’t know your shadow you run the risk of lashing it out on those you love. If you don’t feel comfortable in your own being, you won’t show up fully present and people will feel that.
Trauma doesn’t have to stay stored in your body, but also requires your intention and efforts to transmute it. As a talk therapist I often encourage my clients that it’s beyond just talking about it, talking is helpful to start to process and to change your thought patterns to heal, but also there is a lot of movement that needs to happen. For me it’s been dance and creativity. Painting, drawing, dancing and allowing myself to express feelings in ways that are beyond what words can do has taken me to another level of healing.
A body in motion stays in motion is more than a catch phrase, its truth. Movement is medicine.
Show up, even when inspiration isn’t there, because inspiration only meets those who show up.
Creativity is a muscle that grows as you use it. People say things like, “I’m not creative,” which is a strange concept to me as the very essence of being is creativity. If you look at nature and every beautiful flower, and color shown, how can we not see that we are part of that creation, and that means inherently we hold that kind of creativity. It starts with just letting yourself play with no expectations in some creative way for you to really start to understand what creativity you are capable of.
Life is full of delight waiting for us to notice it. A butterfly flying by can be delightful. A flower growing on your path can be delightful. A rainbow in the sky after a storm can bring delight! Attention is the first step to delight.
Acceptance brings peace. Acceptance doesn’t mean you stay in a position or you allow bad things to happen to you but it means you accept where you are in this moment and that is how you can gain control of things. When Steve was diagnosed with ALS he didn’t choose to accept the life expectancy they were handing him or the limitations they wanted to say came with the illness but he had to accept the illness itself, because living in denial would have meant he never took his power to determine how the illness was going to look for him.
Your life only has to make sense to you. Many choices I have made including marrying a man who was just diagnosed with ALS has been questioned by someone in my life. Imagine I allowed those who didn’t understand to change my mind, how much I wouldn’t be the person I am today.
Travel has a bigger return on investment than any stock you could invest into. Nothing has opened my mind or heart more than travel. Exposure to new cultures, experiences, and the opportunity to meet the challenges travel brings is some of the most life expanding gifts I’ve ever been given. So much growth happens in those uncomfortable yet beautiful moments.
How you spend your time creates your life. If you spend it comparing yourself to others constantly feeling lack then you live in that, but if you spend it discovering yourself, being curious about your capabilities, and following the things you’re passionate about you are bound to live an exciting and fulfilling life.
Discernment is crucial and the truth lies within. If you tune in you will be able to hear your inner guidance who is trying to help you navigate a world that is over-saturated with people trying to influence you. Discern who has access to you, as well as who you give your attention and energy to.
Words matter, if you say, “I’ll worry about that later,” vs, “I’ll process that later” you are determining what part of you shows up, anxiety or confidence.
There are signs everywhere if you pay attention.The world is a magical place that likes to send you little winks to let you know you’re on your right path. It also sends you very clear signs when you’re not. The art of paying attention will change everything for you.
Understanding your gut feelings and what your body is trying to communicate to you should be one of your biggest studies in life. Energy doesn’t lie so if something or someone feels off, listen to it. Learn to differentiate between anxiety and intuition by paying attention to the feelings and what life shows you. Paying attention is your teacher.
In a distracted world your focus is your biggest asset. What you give your energy to is what you’re putting your devotion to. When you think about it like that you will be more mindful of where your focus is being pulled and where you are intentionally putting it.
Rejection is redirection, as heartbreaking as it can feel in the moment with some space you will receive the clarity as to why the thing didn’t work out. Understand that a job or a relationship not working can sometimes be the biggest gift you’ve ever been given. Learning to have a little faith in the universe will lessen the heart breaks that rejection can bring.
Instead of shaming our cycles and spirals, learn from them because each time you experience something there is a deeper meaning and understanding that can come. Shame keeps you stuck, be curious as to why you’re there again and watch the cycles come to an end.
Hopefulness can get a bad name when it’s misused. There’s false hope and true hope, and learning the difference between the two is important. True hopefulness is trusting in your abilities to manage the challenges life can bring, false hope is that life will never bring you a challenge again once you get to a certain stage.
It’s okay, and in fact healthy, to change your mind. Some things it makes sense to stand firm in and with others when you’re presented with new information it’s a sign of intelligence to be open to changing your mind.
Learning to stay in your own energy no matter who you are around is one of the biggest ways you can live a happy life. The more open hearted you become the more you can feel the feelings and energies of those around you, which can be a beautiful thing because you can sense a lot of truths that people are afraid to share. Learning to manage what is yours vs others; being the thermostat and not thermometer will help you stay in your own energy. You set your temperature instead of being influenced by others. If you don’t think energy is contagious try sitting in a room with someone having a panic attack and not feeling some of that energy. Learning to be at peace in this kind of presence not only keeps you in your power but it allows you to be of service to influence the energy back to peace.
Avoiding pain/sadness/anxiety does not increase your happiness, feeling all your feelings even the hard ones is what increases happiness. You cannot know delight if you haven’t allowed your sorrow.
When we are living in alignment our creative power can manifest our wildest dreams, but it’s most important to know that what you are trying to create is in alignment with a value or purpose that is bringing good into the world and not just into yourself.
Garbage in, garbage out. My mom used to say this to me as a child about why she wouldn’t let us watch certain things, but now as an adult I have a widened perspective of it. It’s not simply about what you watch, read or hear, which yes matters, but it’s also about food. Food is medicine if chosen properly or it’s poison if not.
Being congruent matters more than what you can say you can do. How aligned you are living can be felt from those in your life. If you’re a human who is paying attention you feel if someone is saying to do something that they themselves aren’t doing. As a therapist if I tell my clients to do something that I haven’t or don’t do myself there’s a large chance they are going to pick up on that, and not take my words seriously. We can feel when someone is embodied in what they are saying. Living congruent also helps you trust yourself, because you know you mean what you say.
Applied knowledge is power. A lot of us are on a constant pursuit of knowledge because we have been told knowledge is power, but if you see how many people know what to do vs do what they know what they should do, then you can see that it’s the application of the knowledge that really gives you your power.
Trust your heart even if your mind hasn’t caught up yet. Sometimes you will feel pulled to something that your thinking mind tries to talk you out of, but if you can learn to trust your heart and understand that your mind will catch up that’s where the magic happens.
Solo adventuring is one of the most empowering activities you can do. I started this when I moved to the mountains and didn’t have anyone to hike with me, I had a choice: I could stay at home or I could equip myself with ways to feel safe to go alone. This then expanded to solo travel out of the country which has led me to truly feeling confident in myself, my abilities to read a room, and to navigate whatever challenges I’m met with. It’s led me to feel so joyful in my own company which then means I’m no longer spending time with someone because of a lack but because I truly want to be in their presence.
You are allowed to feel joy in a world that holds so much sorrow. Denying yourself the joy life brings doesn’t help you put an end to suffering. That joy is how you can fuel yourself to be of service to others. Denying joy doesn’t create balance and harmony in an unjust world, it just keeps you out of your light. If you want to spread the light, allow yourself to soak in the light the world brings you as that’s how you can then go spread your light into the world!
No Longer Longing
I'm in the middle of Venice, being a stoop kid on some steps of an old church. As I'm writing this as Im watching a group of young, lively Italians at the bar. The pigeons and seagulls are assessing us to see if anyone has food for them. A weathered pale pink brick building and a chipping-away beige building stand across the canal from me. People picked these steps seeming to seek refuge from the sun and perhaps to take it all in like me. I hear no signs of English and that delights me. I see a couple making out in the corner where the sun meets the shade. No one pays them any mind. People walk by with fans frantically waving to attempt to break the heat. The sun is starting to hit my legs but I don't dare move as this spot is alive with the energy of Italy. People meeting in the piazza freely expressing their delight in life.
Hard to believe I would be flying home today had I not extended my stay. I remind myself as I wrote this sentence, ‘You'll make the money back. You have one more week in Italy what a gift to yourself.’ A couple beside me leaves, a welcomed interruption from the anxious thoughts I work daily to contain. This couple lay silently on the steps, sharing a snack and playing gently with each other's hands. Clearly in love. The pigeons gather to eat their crumbs to clear away any remnants of them on the stoop.
Traveling alone once left me with a longing for someone to travel with me. Someone to lay silently on a step and caress my hand. This trip, however, I am perfectly content in my presence. I am in love with my existence. I don't long for anything other than being present at this very moment. I believe this is the place the universe has been pushing towards. Many failed attempts at what could be love, many sweet connections without the depth that love with me holds, and many times I wished for someone to work out for me & that disappointment to lead to understanding. I needed to be alone to reach this peace of okayness in being alone.
Okay doesn't suffice, really. I'm vibrating with joy in my existence. I trust my ability to support myself, I trust my skills to bring hope to the world. The work I've done to elevate an already high existence is showing. I know that if a new love story does come along, we will be two complete souls in our passions and energy, combining not for codependency but co-creation. I'm no longer longing. Instead, I'm living in full awareness of the blessing of being in every moment. Of course, this one in particular is pretty spectacular.
A new group of vivacious twentysomes come and sit next to me cups full just as I thought I was done with this spot. One of the girls excitedly jumps to the front of the steps to photograph them. Their Italian flows as freely as their cocktails. No one is aware of how much their existence delights me, about how I'm smiling as I jot to myself the magnificence of being present in this moment in their lives. I will return to my hotel soon to get ready for a concert, and the thought of watching strings in an old church play classical music in the heart of Venice makes my heart beam with gratitude. What else could I possibly long for?
To see more Musings inspired by my time in Italy check out the YouTube Video Florence inspired or the YouTube Video Manarola inspired .
Thank you for following along and I’ll excited share what gets inspired next.
An Exciting Announcement to Share
Here for my once-a-year blog check-in to share some wonderful news. I have started my therapy practice! I truly feel this journey was divinely planned as it wasn’t in my original plans until all the changes became real about selling our house. If you’ve dreamed of owning some sacred land (23 acres) you can buy it, or of course, it would be helpful for you to pass along to any friends who may be interested.
Once my house co-owner and I set a timeline, I realized that I was still going to need more supervised hours to complete my associate to a fully licensed counselor journey. After some brainstorming with my supervisor, it became obvious that creating my practice was the best choice.
I have many goals of where and how I want to grow this practice and I feel blessed to be given this vision to carry out. It’s been a huge follow-the-calling moment of growth for me. One where my heart understood that I was being called to something before my mind could wrap around it.
I had to allow myself to see how much I’ve grown in my abilities to hold space for others, and to recognize that my life has been preparing me for this since day 1. My experiences from childhood on have given me the chance to grow and expand into a person who can hold space for the most challenging emotions and stress.
Being trauma-informed, intuitive, and using my journey makes me feel equipped to help others have a chance at a brighter and lighter life. Everyone deserves a chance to heal.
My goal is to empower my clients to face anything that is standing in their way to wholeness, to guide them to a place of ease in their bodies, and for them to accept and love themselves in the process. My license is currently only available for me to see clients in the state of Georgia, so if you know someone who may benefit from my support please pass along my information.
As the practice grows and evolves I will update with excitement as I feel quite delighted about the ideas that are building in my mind and heart.
Looking out at the trees painted in their fall colors I am reminded of 5-year-old Hope, who sat in her apple tree looking out at the mountain views changing in their seasons. That apple tree was my safe space from the many traumas my childhood brain was trying to process and escape from.
Hope Homestead
As I currently brush ladybugs off of me and watch the wooly worms scoot by, I am reminded of the mountains I grew up in and my childhood. I am reminded of how much nature healed childhood Hope, but also how much writing did! I sat for hours writing poems and stories to escape from my realities. I would write poems about the trees and the clouds and would imagine myself writing children's books with these musings.
A home from a brief period of my childhood
I wasn’t the most artistic child mostly because I would rather be outside in the woods or at the creek or on my bike, but I always imagined one day I would write poems and make the art to accompany them.
I recently published my first zine which is a concept I have played with off and on since I was 5 years old and I just didn’t have the language to name it. My childhood self would be so proud of myself for finally pushing past the fear of what everyone would think to publish my work!
I have lately been using an old tool of mine where I communicate with childhood Hope in my mind. I go back and tell her some of how I have since learned to heal trauma and imagine little Hope in her apple tree learning to heal her wounds instead of internalizing at a young age that they were all her fault.
I hear my 5-year-old self shouting my praises that I finally put my work out there! I hear her knowing that this concept of writing a memoir has weighed on my heart and mind at many different phases in life to be solidified during my caregiving journey, and knowing how much I have blocked myself. How much I have worried about what everyone will think. She knows what this release of my first published writings as an adult means! I say first as an adult because my mom recently reminded me she had a poem published of mine when I was 11. See below. 😂
From 1995
If I want to make anyone in life proud it is 5-year-old me, and today I feel that in my soul. She’s proud, she also knows that this is just the start. This is the first of many zines that will follow. The act of creating the writing space I wrote about months ago meant I needed to have many different projects going.
The progress in writing a memoir to me has shown up best when I’m not putting pressure on it to be the only writing I’m focusing on. That is what led me to stare at so many blank screens unable to find words, because I would try to force the flow. Instead, allowing whatever writings that want to come out in my daily practice has opened the floodgates. Blocks no more, I have made significant progress on my book simply by allowing other free writing to take place.
PLAY in nature
My favorite form of self-care has always been play, play in nature and creativity. The boxes and boxes of journals are proof of the amount I have tapped into this. Play is at the root of what created this zine as most of the art I made that is background was made in a creative play space. The words share about a journey of healing, through seeking validation from the outside world, to learning to give this to myself, to honoring Steve who taught me how to be loved as a woman who was always longing for the right kind of attention and love.
The pieces included in this zine are highly personal and this feels like a great big step out into putting my work out into the world. I already am working on other zine theme ideas I am feeling called to make so more will follow.
I have a goal to sell 100 as my first zine and I am halfway there so if you want to support childhood and adult me I would be so thankful! I also truly hope the words and art touch a part of your soul, bring some healing and inspiration, and mean as much to you as they do to me!
Thank you to everyone who has supported me in every capacity. These practices & your support continues to make my wildest dreams come true. I’m celebrating today with my 5 year old self but hope to see many of you in person soon to celebrate all our accomplishments soon. CELEBRATION IS HOW WE SURVIVE the chaos of our times. Self care is how we survived these times. This Zine is my survival. You support my dreams, you support my survival. What a huge moment.
FOREVER THANKFUL FOR YOU