A little follow up. At 11:15 PM.

Here I am 11:16 PM on a Friday night.  Maybe it's helping warm me up for staying awake tomorrow, but lately the words keep flowing around this time.  Today however, I decided to blog.  Because I am holding myself to balance and that means no blog weekends; however I have a follow up on the last blog.

I like this piggy back type blogging.  Maybe because it's easier, or it feels more like a conversation.  Either way, here's what you can expect for a blog written 45 minutes before midnight.

So I wrote earlier about acceptance, and what a valuable role it plays in my life today, and I got some pretty thought provoking feedback, that really made me want to go a little further in explaining my meaning of acceptance.

Here we go again an ALS example.  Yes we accept that ALS is going to run it's course, and like I mentioned in the last blog, it will keep throwing us over that cliff.  What maybe I should have gone further detail in was this; that doesn't mean we just stay down in the pitt.  We show up every single day putting our work in to be prepared for this war as much as possible.  

Same goes with Trump.  Sure I may not agree with maybe anything about him, I'm still searching; however I have to accept he's in the position he's in, and accept that it's time to warrior up and carry on as peacefully as I can.  

So yes, acceptance is key, but don't think it means you have to hunker down in a corner and cry.  Hell no, you accept this is the reality, and then you show up.  Everyday.  

Happy New Year, part 1.

Somehow despite an inspired nights sleep (having to jump out of bed to write for hours, not a complaint here) and a sunrise wound care session, I feel energized today! So I'll take this energy and write part 1 of my new years blog.  No blog weekends is part of my balance, so you'll get part 1 today, and part 2 Monday. :) 

I know this opinion may not be the most popular, but despite some pretty challenging road blocks put in our way, 2016 was another year of blessings.

"But Hope, all those hospital visits; how can you even say that?  And Trump?"

First of all, Steve is still here.  That alone makes it all a blessing, and I'll get to Trump later. 

Seriously though, there was my PBS dream come true, our documentary DVD (haven't seen it? search HOPE for Steve under amazon or iTunes) , lots of home improvements, some really important great new connections, but the real take away is the hard lessons learned.  

To keep this short, I'll stick to the top 2.

• You can't change the world, much like you can't change others.  You CAN however, change yourself; and maybe others and the world will follow.  I was putting so much energy into "changing the world", and was met with nothing but resistance, until it became very clear to me, that my job is to focus on me.  It is that simple, don't over complicate it. :) 
• Trying to fight something that is happening, doesn't make it go away.  In terms of ALS, you can see that the complications were going to happen, despite all of our efforts for them not to.  At some point we had to learn to accept and learn to be okay with the random pushes off the cliff; just as important as us getting to choose to keep climbing back up.   It would be so easy, just to be defeated, and say, "hell, I'm done trying, it will just keep kicking us down."  Also, equally easy to sit around complaining about how unfair our circumstances are.  However, neither of those serve us well.  Of course we have our moments of "f this..." but thankfully we've learned staying there doesn't serve us well.  What does is putting our energy into learning to adapt to what is happening.  If anything this year did teach is it does get easier with practice. 

Insert Trump.  Yes, some of us would love to have different circumstances, but truth is we don't. So now if you want to be a part of helping make the Trump ride manageable for yourself and others, accept it.  Once you accept it, you'll be surprised at the many creative ways you can actually turn an unfortunate situation into being okay.  Of course if you want to continue to view this situation as unacceptable, that's fine too, but you'll only be hurting yourself.  

Truth is, the year was one that revealed truths that most didn't want to see, and it was one that presented some heavy situations, to either help you get really grounded down, or to spiral out. The outcome, despite what way you look at it, is on you.  So I get it.  Even in situations I feel completely out of control, trying to grab control of people, circumstances, etc isn't the answer. Controlling myself and my reactions is.  

What were your hard lessons learned? Share here.  I would love to start a dialogue. 

Lying in the shadows

Today as I sat here already blanking on what to blog about, on day two back to blogging; I watched a reflection from a glass globe blowing in the wind project shadows on my wall for 10 minutes.  The idea of watching the shapes come and go was more interesting than digging through the piles of loosely tied words floating in my head.

There's a misconception when someone has a blog, that they must totally have their lives together.  It's one that I've carried for a long time, that actively would stop me from writing that day.  I would think things much like this (today), "Gosh, I can't write a blog today, the most exciting thing that's happened to me in the last hour was spilling urine on my sweater and a shadow/light show on my wall."  

This misconception is my own, in case I didn't make that clear; but I know others share it with me.  I've heard in conversations with talented friends, "I can't do that, I'm not a good enough _____ (fill in the blank)." 

How are are our misconceptions holding us back?

For me, I belittle myself on a daily.  I think because we stay home we can't have that much to share.  I think because I'm not landing book deals, or getting a new documentary, or selling out of product, or.... I'm not doing enough.  

The part I'm leaving out is, I do more in my day than I have figured out how to convey.  There have been blogs written on my day, photo shoots, even videos; but from the time I wake up to lay down, more happens than I used to do in a week, yet I still feel like I'm not doing enough. 

Much like the sunlight displaying beautiful shadow figures on my wall, I allowed some light to shine on some things lingering in the dark, to show them for what they are recently.  So here today I want to share my 5 biggest self sabotaging behaviors I'm hoping to leave behind in 2016. 

1.  Comparing myself to others.  The majority of people I find me comparing myself to, live in a completely different world than I do.  What do I mean?  I mean, their loved one doesn't have a terminal illness that requires 24/7 care.  It's not fair to compare yourself to others, because your worlds aren't the same, and they aren't supposed to be-so don't try to make it.
2. Thinking that what I do is insignificant. I've been taking care of Steve for sometime now that I find myself zipping through things, where until I'm teaching someone, I forget how kick ass I am.  I'm learning more to applaud myself on my doings, even if it's, I remembered to change the suction canister before it started to smell; because in my world, that is significant. 
3.  This may seem like a remake of #1, but I promise it deserves it's own: Less time on social media.  It's a challenge, because I truly sometimes only connect to like minded people on there.  I may see 10 people in my week, but those 10 people may not be "my people", so my only way to connect with a community is sometimes on social media.  However, I then use that to justify hours of my day spent on there.  It used to be feeling like I needed to respond to everyone to it becoming wanting to see what everyone's doing so I can comment to them.  I hope 2017 brings more in person community, with people who I can have conversations with about how the energy I used to cook Steve's food with helped him as much as the food itself, without getting blank stares.
4. Understanding that I don't have to do it all, all the time. Oh but I want to! I touched on this yesterday but it's important to include again.  This past month taking time to spend in rest, I really had to tell myself it's okay that I wasn't up doing something.  I battled the guilt monster every single time I sat down.  I would have the thoughts that, "Joanna Gaines probably doesn't have days where she just sits around."  There I go comparing again, right?  Reminding myself that in order to be there for what I am doing, I have to simply NOT DO sometimes. Reference hamster wheel I referred to yesterday. 
5. Telling myself, I am incapable of doing something. I CAN do anything.  If anything proves that, it's our life here today.  There's been more days than I probably share, where my prayer is, "just let us get trough this day," and we do.  Because whatever I truly put my energy into, I can do it.  So no more, I can't be a true artist, or a blogger; because I'm not good enough.  The only reason I would not be good enough for something, is from not doing it because I didn't think I could.  

If you have any of these self sabotaging behaviors, you're in good company. ;)  Will you join me in kicking them to the curb?  Because when we allow ourselves to be, we will see, we're already amazing, capable, and significant.  

New Moon, Winter Slow Writings.

I was going to wait until the new year to come back with the blog; for no reason aside from that's what people do this time of year, right?  Well, today felt better to me.  It's a new moon, and new moons often help me learn how to let go of something, in order to make room for something better.  I often feel the inspiration and motivation to start new projects on new moon days; so I utilize that energy as often as it comes. Because as we all know...eb & flow. 

Speaking of flow, I've been feeling so connected to the flow of nature lately, which is why I took a little break.  Some of it was forced between Steve getting sick, to me getting sick; but the rest was truly tuning in to feeling it was time to shut down and rest.  Of course, my life doesn't allow for true respite, which made this time off much more valuable and important.

I gained a lot of new perspective on the happenings of this year just in this past month alone. It was a year of hard lessons learned, and truths.  It was also one that truly put me in touch with the ground (it was heavy).  Of course winter solstice just started, and it is still a time to incorporate stillness, and shedding; so I won't be going full speed ahead on all those many ideas floating in my head just yet.  Learning to slow down.  Slow down judgement, reactions, mindless conversations, and the need to go to the point of burn out.  

Learning to relish some of this stillness of winter to carry it to balance me through the year. Balance. Balance. Balance. So yes, I'll be back to writing, and I definitely am itching to get creating again; I won't be adding much more on.  Because one of the fears I'm letting go is, scarcity mentality.  So often I look at what ALS, and feel that extreme preciousness of time, and think, "I can't waste it"; so therefore I take this to the extreme of thinking there's not enough time for anything.  I have so much I want to do, and as I lay down the notion, that I must do everything NOW, it allows me space to actually do.  Because before I was a hamster on a wheel, and couldn't understand why, despite my best effort to use every second wisely, I wasn't getting anywhere.

Message received.  I have time, slow down, breathe, balance, ground...  I hope you all have the chance this winter to slow down and allow life to really show you truths.  Share with me as you discover things.  Please know, that because I do require a large amount of "alone time" to stay on the light side of that ever moving line; I've stopped feeling like I had to respond to everyone. It became so overwhelming to me; I just had to stop all together to get some perspective. So know, I read every comment, and I will respond on those moments I have the time to put out.  Also know that I truly feel the love from each of you, and I am sending it back to you times 3. <3

Like nature, I retreat inward.

Because sometimes silence speaks louder than words, this will be my last blog until the new year.  In fact don't be alarmed with how little you'll hear from me.  It's time to truly tune it all out and go inward.  With nature as my muse, I will now let go of what isn't serving me and letting them die so I can be reborn when the time is right.  

Glass houses

I haven't been sharing much writing lately, so here's a segment from my journal from a day in October.

10-9-2016

I stepped on glass today.  Now before you go feeling sorry for me, let me tell you, it was my fault.  

You see, the other day after I was done fussing with Steve over something, I slammed our bedroom doors, in the middle of my pouting.  Of course leading the curtain rod holding photos, a glass air plant atrium. & a little more than it could hold in dream catchers, and harmony bows to come flying off the wall.  I open the door feeling the anger making my face burn.  Smoke would have been coming out of my ears if they haven't been clogged for two months. 

I slowly turn my attention from blankly staring at Steve, who is quickly typing, as I see his eyes darting back and forth; to what mess I had to clean up.  Barefoot as always, I'm surrounded by broken glass, and decide shoes first.

Walking back in I hear the tobii say, "Don't get mad at me, that was all you."  I look to him, and he's smiling.  You know that smile, he masters so well that makes it physically impossible to stay mad at him.  

I fight it back, that is until we are both in a giggle fit, and I forget why I even slammed the door to begin with.  "Yeah, I'm sorry," I begin, "You're a saint for dealing with me," proceeding to hum Grateful Dead's Saint Stephen aloud. 

"I just understand you boopy."  Bingo.  He gets me. All of me.  

What a freaking beautiful thing that is.  I mean how cool to have that one person, who just understands me and my ways? 

After digging the glass out of my foot this morning, I look to Steve, who was ready to fall back asleep, as the meds are kicking in by now, and both sharing a moment of just knowing how cool it is to be understood.  Then he interrupts the staring contest with, "You okay boopy?" 

I'm okay. No, in fact, I'm more than okay.  I'm great. :)