The space between...

I developed a reaction to hearing about trauma, watching traumatic movies, or even talking to my friends about their trauma in the past few years.  It confused me, at first. 

During the pursuit of my master's degree (in Clinical Psychology), I learned loads about understanding people's traumas, getting them to open up about it, and how to hold space for them to allow them to process it once and for all.  All while,  feeling totally at peace with all my trauma.  It felt very natural during my years counseling, to talk to people about their stuff, and to help them work through it all. 

Like the vast majority of us, I experienced my own traumas through out life, much of which I write about in my book; and I consider myself blessed to have had the mom that I do.  She really taught us at an early age to face life head on, and to truly deal with all that happens. 

Things will come up for me present day, and I think, "Wow where did that come from?"  Not always is it something from the past, sometimes it's just that the present moment is the trauma. Being directly in trauma, and being fully aware of it, is intense.  It's knowing the big punches that come from progressed ALS will happen, but learning not to live in the moments fearing what's to come. 

There is so much trauma in ALS.  Starting from the days of Steve falling and cracking his face open, to him breaking bones while falling, to him coding, to him dying and coming back, to the times of gastroparesis and having to dig vomit out of his throat before he aspirated,  to the respiratory distress moments, and every single random complication that is too much to list here, hence writing a book.  Yesterday was somehow another first for us.  

During a routine catheter change, that Steve has done roughly every 2 weeks due to infections, and clogging of catheters.  Upon taking the catheter out, he began gushing blood.  Yes from there.  Of course as I'm in the midst of freaking out, and calling nurses, in laws, and my mom; I maintain some composure for Steve.  All while, thinking for sure we are rushing to the hospital for this one, and confused with Steve's refusal.  

Thankfully the bleeding stopped mostly (still a little drips this morning), we got a new catheter in with ease, and he's putting out great urine output, all from home.  Yesterday after my father in law and I finally got him cleaned up and settled after 3 hours of really being in that moment, I left the room shaking.  I felt my nerves giving up on me one by one, and it suddenly hit me.  I can't be exposed to other people's trauma's because I'm in the middle of my own.  It's not that I've become less caring or empathetic, but that I am doing the best I can here with my own. 

People often look at Steve and I and think, "What are they doing?" We know it, some people say it to us directly, and others just think it. We know both, trust me.  We feel it from you when you're sitting with us and you're thinking, "Just what is this."  I've lost close friends because they question our life, and will cut you off rather than address the issue face on.

Often feeling weak in my inability to adequately express myself to people, without truly being able to take the space to step back and  see it all for what it is.  Most days with Steve we don't have trauma, and even if something traumatic happens it's just part of our day.  This life is full of surprising, "Woah hold on tight it's getting bumpy," and equal parts, "Wow what a beautiful gift this is." 

Just because the traumatic events are intense, doesn't mean we are willing to give this up.  Of course, Steve has moments of being done with this journey, mostly in the moment of something challenging, but when he comes out he's back with vigor.  His strength is less, his communication is less, his participation is less, but his spirit is MORE.

His spirit reminds me every single day, this journey we are on, serves a very high purpose.  I'm changed after each traumatic event.  I see life through new eyes, as often as people are dying their hair these days.  The world is vastly different to me, than it was just a year ago; and I have peace.  Today despite the trauma, and the ways in which it truly kicks my ass, and the tornado warnings happening for us; I feel at peace. 

The peace may not stay, and I may get my ass kicked by something even within the hour, but right now all is okay.  Right now I'm thankful, and that is how I deal with trauma.  I allow the space in between to fill me up.  You know when we met Dave Matthews a few years ago, there was this connection between him and us; and our two friends that were with us still talk about it to this day.  Because somehow he knew his lyrics were made for people like us, because, "The space between the tears we cry, is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more."  

It's ok it's not in my control.

It's okay Its not in my control.

Breathe.

Make it sacred.

My mantra lately. When Steve is randomly breathing over his vent, or suffering from hiccups, or not up for communicating, it's not in my control.

It's okay.

Another storm comes and I hear things hit on the window the same window I just lost a black widow while trying to kill her.

It's okay, it's not in my control.

I have the capability to make whatever happens work, so why am I sitting here dreading any experience?

Because I'm a control freak.

It's okay. It's not in my control.

Wait, this one actually is.

So now I do a thing. It doesn't stop the anxiety from coming because honestly that would mean I'm numb. This is some anxious shit here! It's wild and intense.

So now when I'm in a moment I make it sacred.

I stop I breathe and I say it's okay it's out of my control.

I have to let go of what I can't control because it weighs me down heavily.

I can't carry another wasted pound.

I let it go. It's okay.  It's not in my control. 

How are you?

There is no question that gives me an allergic reaction more than, "How are you?"

I am a very keep it real kind of girl, being one who naturally finds a good I believe in as equally as the bad, so, "How am I?"

My perspective isn't the same from moment to moment, so my "How am I," changes more often than my clothes.  

I am 100% okay with that fact.  I am currently okay with being many things at once. 

Real and optimistic. Happy with sadness. Grateful with anxiety. Its the duality of life, many people shame, that's what I am.  

One minute I'm well adjusted, the next I'm in reaction mode, then on to survival, to checking out to deal with life.  Slowly coming back to the ground, diving deep into practice; striving, creative, inspired, scared, grateful, nauseated, curled over in pain, feeling strong in a new yoga pose, feeling weak as I shake under 6 blankets.  I am peaceful and find my acceptance while I fight, I kick, I cry, and I scream.  Boy do I scream. 

I share. I retreat. I doubt and I believe. I'm okay with every bit of it. 

No longer do I accept anyone telling me how I should be, or expecting it to be something you can even handle hearing about. 

Maybe there's a new way to ask. "How are you?" Without using the question. Maybe just check in, a quick I was thinking about you, and share what made you think of me.  That's a check in that reminds us, that we are relate-able in ways beyond you wondering, "How in the hell I can possibly be okay while we are getting our asses kicked by ALS?" How can I be okay despite complications of absorption problems how despite using every ounce of energy I have inside of my being, I can't stop the infections, in fact I can't do much to "fix it"?  

I'm a recovering "fixer", unable to fix anything, allowing it to break me a part little by little.  

I am trying to keep up with all these thoughts, ideas, words, people, set backs, house/adult responsibilities, debt etc.  Some days blissfully in the flow and remembering that I AM HOPE.  Other day's I'm more chaotic than I could ever manage to explain.  

So tired the thought of getting out of bed causes nausea, yet everyday I show up.  I put in everything I have.  

Trying to remember to slow down before life trips me up.  Trying to take in every moment and being loving when I forget most of it.  Eager to learn, desperate to remember, hopeful to teach.  

I am certain I'm experiencing this "lifetime" of my many lives here for continued explosions in growth.  Every explosion is a rebirth.  With every rebirth comes loss.  Comes unexplained good byes, and reminders that I am not a good communicator.  I will hide from you behind a computer and avoid talking to you one on one.  Bring me to a crowd and I turn electric.  

I'm  evolving and some days I'm stuck.  I'm encouraging, and some days I tear down.  Also on the other side of that pattern being encouraged and tore down. 

I'm opening, understanding, and seeing more; I choose to see less. Becoming okay with selectivity, terrified by boundaries, yet amazing in time.  

I am a seeker of balance.  I'm a reader, and will learn you inside and out, but won't maintain the knowledge.  I won't maintain a friendship but love you all the same. 

Awkward and comfortable.

A total control freak, freaking out over how little control I have; taking what life hands me and making it work. 

I'm dizzy.  I'm embracing aging with shock with how quickly it all happens.  Accepting it isn't what makes me how I am. 

I'm scared to answer the question.  Despite all I do to use the power of language for the positive, the darkness that comes with it, sometimes terrifies me.  I stare darkness in the face and walk straight into it. 

Sometimes I feel punished, sometimes blessed. 

When I remember how blessed I am to be able to walk, talk, breathe, eat, have shelter, have clean water, have access to healthy foods, etc I cry. 

I'm motivated, while feeling the failure with every stumble.

I am focused, I am distracted, I am driven, I am broken down.

I am driven and persistent and LOW on fight. 

I always warrior up when I'm needed; and it kicks my ass equal parts good and bad.

I am foggy, I am clear. I am full of words, and I have none.  

I am many things, but i'll never be able to answer your question; because you couldn't fully understand.  

I am me, I am okay with it.  I am more than a, "How are you?" 

Shame on you...

The moment I realize we need to go to the hospital I cry.  I cry when we hit financial problems, progress set backs, the wind blows over my green house ruining all my seeds for the garden, seeing hurting animals, feeling scared with a complication, not knowing what to do, when I'm mad; I could keep going but I think you get the point. 

Despite me often try to teach others how important it is to feel their emotions and not to feel bad about them; I was playing a major shame game.  Not just for me, but for Steve, strangers on facebook, family for arguing with me, people for disappointing me, I don't know maybe even a world leader we may be familiar with.  You get shamed, you get shamed, EVERYONE IS A DAMN SHAME! 

shame

SHām/

noun

1. 1.

   a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.

Emotions, real interactions, feelings, and responses aren't what's wrong here; its' shaming myself for feeling them.  I then in turn shame a load of other people for doing something I "perceive" as wrong.  As though, it's my choice to decide how they should be, and what they should be doing.  Of course I shame others, I shame myself. 

Shame is maybe the most debilitating act one can take on oneself, so why would I ever want to put that on anyone.  I want to be love, show love, spread love; and that is certainly not happening in the shame game. 

Here's the thing, we have been conditioned to feel shame, and in turn shame others; and we as a collective have stopped understanding the human condition, and we've been playing one big, messy shame game. 

The day of this hospital visit, I cried and cried to Steve and my mom, and complained to a few others how I had no help, no working car, and just really felt the fear and sadness that is a huge part of life with ALS; and I felt awful about it.  I told about 20 people, I can't be what Steve needs me to be anymore, because I felt so much shame for feeling and releasing the feelings.  Of course Steve doesn't need me to be a robot; he needs me to feel what I need, release it, and warrior up; like I do.  Often as I sing, "You can do it, put your back into it."  If you don't know that song, yay for me having young blog readers. ;)

The more aware I become, the more I see the true mirror reflecting back at me, as I interact with the outside world.  The more shaming I'm doing to others, the more I need to see it within myself.  I clearly haven't completely quit the shame life; but awareness is the first key.  Learning to allow yourself to feel, to be human; and to not shame yourself for being you, is probably the key to a happy life.  Because emotions are real, crying about feeling stress, sadness, fear, and frustration certainly isn't a shame.  It's life. 

Spring Blossoms and Journeys Inward.

Well, hello there. :)  I'm back.  Thanks for understanding my need for a step away.  I know there is this push for us to always be speaking our truths, and always pushing forward in the resistance; but truthfully there's a need to focus on YOU as well.  So if you're like me and need to step away time and again, don't let the world make you feel bad about it.

Sometimes the only thing that makes sense in this noisy world is to shut it all out, and turn inward.  Asking yourself, am I on track with my desires for my life?  Am I living my truth, or one the world is trying to put on me?   It is easy to get lost in the noise, and to forget who YOU are. In times like these where everyone has an opinion, and you're hearing so many different people speak out, it's easy to get influenced by everyone around you.  

I have a sure tell test I use to determine if I'm in my truth or someone else's; it's to sit for 10 minutes in silence and then ask myself, "Where did this truth come from?"  If it came from an article I read on the internet, or a facebook post, or a conversation you had with friends, is it mine?  Not necessarily.  I believe a lot of us just feel caught up in the passion of those around us, and forget to think, 'do I align with this thought?'  'Is this really something I feel passionately about?' Of course, these things can educate us, and help us to truly adapt to new ways of thinking; but if we don't take the time to ourselves to process all the information being handed to us, how do we know?  

I've noticed the times I am able to make the most positive impact on the world, is when I'm aligned with my truths, when I speak on issues I'm knowledgeable and passionate about; instead of if I just regurgitate some information I read in an article, not knowing if I truly understood the point.  So while you may notice some of your favorite people you follow are maybe being more silent, more precise with their words or actions; it's because it takes work to be able to keep that light shining.  I find myself drawn to those practicing discernment in what they post about, and not just spreading more anger and fear.  

There's obviously a lot going on around us, really there always has been, it just hasn't always been in our faces like things are these days.  There is a need for people to be leading in action, standing up for injustices they see, and using their voices to educate; but it needs to come from a grounded place.  Yesterday's new moon and eclipse was a great time to let go of something that is no longer serving us, to make room for what does.  What in your life is stopping you from leaping forward in growth?  What's stopping you from your goals, or the life you desire for yourself? 

This moon reminds us, that in days like today, action will speak louder than words.  Speak as much as you would like to, but follow it with action.  Silence is an underused tool, that I find myself familiarizing with.  It's easy to speak about what you don't like, but it takes courage to show up and do something.  It takes knowledge to know what to do, follow through to do it, and consistency to alchemize this action into something tangible.  Taking what we see as unjust in the world, and turning into a way for us to spread light, is my kind of revolution.  It's the revolution that will stick.  It's showing up for your friends again, it's volunteering with a cause that we are passionate about, it's about being mindful to our surroundings and speaking up if we see injustice, it's showing kindness to everyone regardless of where they stand, it's following up our words with actions, it's education, and listening, and taking time to breathe.

If you're feeling overwhelmed, or like you can't possible participate in action; maybe you need to spend some time inward.  When is the last time you sat in silence, even if you're not meditating but not filling yourself with news, and news feeds, and TV dramas?  When is the last time you checked in with how you felt about something, or picked up a pen and jotted down all those thoughts in your mind?  When is the last time you created something, or spent time outside, or gave yourself love?  If it's been a minute, take some advice from me, don't wait until you reach burn out; like I often have in the past.  Being in tune with your needs, will go a long way in being in tune with those needs around us.  

If you're one who loves to follow the moon and the energy behind it, sign up for my newsletter (click home page & you will see a place to sign up. :)) I will be sending a newsletter every new and full moon (as long as we are home and Steve's stable of course).   I love you all, and truly hope that you can live your best life while here in this life.  <3. 

Say yes to growth.

Thank you all for your lovely words on my last blog, a lot of you reached out to me sending encouragement, and that is very much what I needed.  After some days to process things, I am able to see what was a bit of a bummer situation for what it is; a chance for growth, and not just for me.  

Something that I will hold on to is the understanding that it is okay to feel the overwhelm sometimes. I follow my blog analytics and it's very clear to me, that most that read my blog, aren't daily readers; I'm still working on you all. :) So those that read a blog here and there, may not understand how much I am a believer in sitting in your shadow.  It's important work.  The darkness brings me the vast majority of growth, it shows me the world without the rose colored glasses.  Another thing you may not be aware of is, that while I may have a day that I do just sit on the floor and allow my dogs to lick my face and cuddle me; it's not how I spend the bulk of my shadow work.  I'm there searching for the lesson, the understanding, and fighting my way back to the light.  

I've received mixed responses when I share my views on "not setting up camp"in the darkness. It's because there is no fixed "how long to experience your darkness" that goes across the board. If someone tries to tell you there is a rule to this, I promise it's their own personal rule. It's a very personal experience, and while some do like to set up camp and spend several months there, I find too many blessings in my immediate surroundings for me to spend more than a couple of days.  I hope you never allow anyone to make you feel less for staying true to you.  If you need to set up camp, you do you boo.  

So here's my take on shadow work.  Typically I'm triggered to get there, my normal disposition isn't to sit and focus on the bad; so sometimes life has to throw something on my path to knock me down to the floor.  It's important, because it's how I respond while I'm down there that is telling to how much I'm growing.  It's easy to shine and be able to bring the magic when you're walking in the sun; it's how well you handle the falls that really shows you who you are. It's not always pretty, of course some days I think, "Shit, that's how I just responded to that, what's wrong with me?"  That is not the importance of shadow work, and it's just a distraction to try to keep you there longer.   It's an opportunity to use the negative for transformation.  To stare at the darkness and say, how do I grow from this place?  

Coming out of the shadow in dark times, isn't always an easy thing to do.  It's hard for me not to think, well the world is literally staring at it's shadow right now; shouldn't I be hanging out in the dark with them?  Again, it's personal, I am of course still concerned and tuned in to what is going on around me; but mostly my focus is on myself during these times.  So often, I have to disconnect a little from the world.  I know we are in days where our voices are needed, and it's truly important not to be silent during these times; but I also know there is a balance to this and if I need some separation it IS OKAY.  

Ultimately I have found my shadow is often a reminder of my power.  While I'm there seeing my truths, I am seeing the areas I need to grow, the areas that are still tripping me up; I also get shown the areas where the essence of me is coming out of the dirt and developing into a beautiful flower.  Of course, studying soil the past two days, has me so focused on flowers I can't help but see myself as one, but it's that visual that reminds me of how okay it is to come out of the dark.  To be okay with things not being exactly as I would want them, that if I trust and say yes to my own growth, my flowering essence will shine light for others to find their way out of the darkness too.  

I'll write next week more on the IRS bonanza as it has the workings of opening me up and opening up some others directly involved in our lives.  For now, I am seeing the end result, and am practicing grace with how the resolution unfolds.  Bonus, I'm finally giving into organization, what you resist persists.  I'm saying yes to growth.