Lying in the shadows

Today as I sat here already blanking on what to blog about, on day two back to blogging; I watched a reflection from a glass globe blowing in the wind project shadows on my wall for 10 minutes.  The idea of watching the shapes come and go was more interesting than digging through the piles of loosely tied words floating in my head.

There's a misconception when someone has a blog, that they must totally have their lives together.  It's one that I've carried for a long time, that actively would stop me from writing that day.  I would think things much like this (today), "Gosh, I can't write a blog today, the most exciting thing that's happened to me in the last hour was spilling urine on my sweater and a shadow/light show on my wall."  

This misconception is my own, in case I didn't make that clear; but I know others share it with me.  I've heard in conversations with talented friends, "I can't do that, I'm not a good enough _____ (fill in the blank)." 

How are are our misconceptions holding us back?

For me, I belittle myself on a daily.  I think because we stay home we can't have that much to share.  I think because I'm not landing book deals, or getting a new documentary, or selling out of product, or.... I'm not doing enough.  

The part I'm leaving out is, I do more in my day than I have figured out how to convey.  There have been blogs written on my day, photo shoots, even videos; but from the time I wake up to lay down, more happens than I used to do in a week, yet I still feel like I'm not doing enough. 

Much like the sunlight displaying beautiful shadow figures on my wall, I allowed some light to shine on some things lingering in the dark, to show them for what they are recently.  So here today I want to share my 5 biggest self sabotaging behaviors I'm hoping to leave behind in 2016. 

1.  Comparing myself to others.  The majority of people I find me comparing myself to, live in a completely different world than I do.  What do I mean?  I mean, their loved one doesn't have a terminal illness that requires 24/7 care.  It's not fair to compare yourself to others, because your worlds aren't the same, and they aren't supposed to be-so don't try to make it.
2. Thinking that what I do is insignificant. I've been taking care of Steve for sometime now that I find myself zipping through things, where until I'm teaching someone, I forget how kick ass I am.  I'm learning more to applaud myself on my doings, even if it's, I remembered to change the suction canister before it started to smell; because in my world, that is significant. 
3.  This may seem like a remake of #1, but I promise it deserves it's own: Less time on social media.  It's a challenge, because I truly sometimes only connect to like minded people on there.  I may see 10 people in my week, but those 10 people may not be "my people", so my only way to connect with a community is sometimes on social media.  However, I then use that to justify hours of my day spent on there.  It used to be feeling like I needed to respond to everyone to it becoming wanting to see what everyone's doing so I can comment to them.  I hope 2017 brings more in person community, with people who I can have conversations with about how the energy I used to cook Steve's food with helped him as much as the food itself, without getting blank stares.
4. Understanding that I don't have to do it all, all the time. Oh but I want to! I touched on this yesterday but it's important to include again.  This past month taking time to spend in rest, I really had to tell myself it's okay that I wasn't up doing something.  I battled the guilt monster every single time I sat down.  I would have the thoughts that, "Joanna Gaines probably doesn't have days where she just sits around."  There I go comparing again, right?  Reminding myself that in order to be there for what I am doing, I have to simply NOT DO sometimes. Reference hamster wheel I referred to yesterday. 
5. Telling myself, I am incapable of doing something. I CAN do anything.  If anything proves that, it's our life here today.  There's been more days than I probably share, where my prayer is, "just let us get trough this day," and we do.  Because whatever I truly put my energy into, I can do it.  So no more, I can't be a true artist, or a blogger; because I'm not good enough.  The only reason I would not be good enough for something, is from not doing it because I didn't think I could.  

If you have any of these self sabotaging behaviors, you're in good company. ;)  Will you join me in kicking them to the curb?  Because when we allow ourselves to be, we will see, we're already amazing, capable, and significant.  

New Moon, Winter Slow Writings.

I was going to wait until the new year to come back with the blog; for no reason aside from that's what people do this time of year, right?  Well, today felt better to me.  It's a new moon, and new moons often help me learn how to let go of something, in order to make room for something better.  I often feel the inspiration and motivation to start new projects on new moon days; so I utilize that energy as often as it comes. Because as we all know...eb & flow. 

Speaking of flow, I've been feeling so connected to the flow of nature lately, which is why I took a little break.  Some of it was forced between Steve getting sick, to me getting sick; but the rest was truly tuning in to feeling it was time to shut down and rest.  Of course, my life doesn't allow for true respite, which made this time off much more valuable and important.

I gained a lot of new perspective on the happenings of this year just in this past month alone. It was a year of hard lessons learned, and truths.  It was also one that truly put me in touch with the ground (it was heavy).  Of course winter solstice just started, and it is still a time to incorporate stillness, and shedding; so I won't be going full speed ahead on all those many ideas floating in my head just yet.  Learning to slow down.  Slow down judgement, reactions, mindless conversations, and the need to go to the point of burn out.  

Learning to relish some of this stillness of winter to carry it to balance me through the year. Balance. Balance. Balance. So yes, I'll be back to writing, and I definitely am itching to get creating again; I won't be adding much more on.  Because one of the fears I'm letting go is, scarcity mentality.  So often I look at what ALS, and feel that extreme preciousness of time, and think, "I can't waste it"; so therefore I take this to the extreme of thinking there's not enough time for anything.  I have so much I want to do, and as I lay down the notion, that I must do everything NOW, it allows me space to actually do.  Because before I was a hamster on a wheel, and couldn't understand why, despite my best effort to use every second wisely, I wasn't getting anywhere.

Message received.  I have time, slow down, breathe, balance, ground...  I hope you all have the chance this winter to slow down and allow life to really show you truths.  Share with me as you discover things.  Please know, that because I do require a large amount of "alone time" to stay on the light side of that ever moving line; I've stopped feeling like I had to respond to everyone. It became so overwhelming to me; I just had to stop all together to get some perspective. So know, I read every comment, and I will respond on those moments I have the time to put out.  Also know that I truly feel the love from each of you, and I am sending it back to you times 3. <3

Like nature, I retreat inward.

Because sometimes silence speaks louder than words, this will be my last blog until the new year.  In fact don't be alarmed with how little you'll hear from me.  It's time to truly tune it all out and go inward.  With nature as my muse, I will now let go of what isn't serving me and letting them die so I can be reborn when the time is right.  

Glass houses

I haven't been sharing much writing lately, so here's a segment from my journal from a day in October.

10-9-2016

I stepped on glass today.  Now before you go feeling sorry for me, let me tell you, it was my fault.  

You see, the other day after I was done fussing with Steve over something, I slammed our bedroom doors, in the middle of my pouting.  Of course leading the curtain rod holding photos, a glass air plant atrium. & a little more than it could hold in dream catchers, and harmony bows to come flying off the wall.  I open the door feeling the anger making my face burn.  Smoke would have been coming out of my ears if they haven't been clogged for two months. 

I slowly turn my attention from blankly staring at Steve, who is quickly typing, as I see his eyes darting back and forth; to what mess I had to clean up.  Barefoot as always, I'm surrounded by broken glass, and decide shoes first.

Walking back in I hear the tobii say, "Don't get mad at me, that was all you."  I look to him, and he's smiling.  You know that smile, he masters so well that makes it physically impossible to stay mad at him.  

I fight it back, that is until we are both in a giggle fit, and I forget why I even slammed the door to begin with.  "Yeah, I'm sorry," I begin, "You're a saint for dealing with me," proceeding to hum Grateful Dead's Saint Stephen aloud. 

"I just understand you boopy."  Bingo.  He gets me. All of me.  

What a freaking beautiful thing that is.  I mean how cool to have that one person, who just understands me and my ways? 

After digging the glass out of my foot this morning, I look to Steve, who was ready to fall back asleep, as the meds are kicking in by now, and both sharing a moment of just knowing how cool it is to be understood.  Then he interrupts the staring contest with, "You okay boopy?" 

I'm okay. No, in fact, I'm more than okay.  I'm great. :) 

Life lessons from Joseph Campbell

I keep thinking of a Joseph Campbell quote that I recently read, and comparing it to where we are in our world.  

"Suddenly you're ripped into being alive. And life is pain, suffering, and horror, but my god you're alive and it's spectacular."

There's a lot of people confused about what is going on in our world, they are trying to fix it; fix it for their children, their friends, partners, themselves.  On both sides of this very Split United states right now, sits people who are looking across the way confused by what someone else is doing. Everyone's seeing a little more darkness, and feeling a little more uneasy.  

It felt strange typing, 'very split United States."  It's not just because I'm anxious about how much proper grammar I have yet to learn, and do I or do I not use a coma; it's because we aren't united.  A part of me felt a little bummed about that, while I was processing all that was going on; until I saw it as Joseph Campbell describes above, that people are being ripped into being alive right now. 

Since this quote came to mind I dug out one of my many books I bought the first time I ever heard a Joseph Campbell quote.  In his, Reflections on the Art of Living, he says, " When we talk about settling the world's problems, we're barking up the wrong tree.  The world is perfect. It's a mess.  It has always been a mess. We are not going to change it.  Our job is to straighten out our own lives."  I read this paragraph 15 times.  Not joking.

The best way I can help anyone hurting in this world, is to do my work.  I have been spending a lot of energy trying to change our world, as I see us all doing right now; when really it does start with us.  The more we can do our work, and lead by example; the more just being us does change the world.  In the best ways possible.

I get it, and I will be working. :) 

I can't sit in the dark with you, right now...

If you know anything about me it's that I'm constantly doing inner work. It started with my first psychology class, and grew during my time pursuing my masters, to now my many spiritual teachers who just show up to me in perfect timing. Due to this I discover things about myself on a regular. I wanted to share a new discovery, to help give some insight.

I can't just sit in the dark with you.  I can't sit in the dark with anyone else but Steve and myself.  I can sit in my dark & I can sit in Steve’s dark with him, but I think because his is so heavy, then mine; I can't hold anymore. It makes me not be what people need me to be.  It's okay.  I just can't be.  It made me realize how this blog is my biggest tool.

I can't sit in your dark, but I can share how I sit in mine and work through it, and hope that helps you in some small way. I will tell you how important it is to sit in your darkness, but I will also be there to remind you of the light. I used to hold people space, and really help them carry their stuff, without fully realizing how much it drained me.  Realizing this opens space back up for myself. 

I consider it an honor to take care of Steve and it's the most growth I'll ever experience in my life, I'm certain of it. I work my ass off to be what Steve needs and now I'll work my ass off to be what I need.  Who knows maybe when I can hold consistent space for myself, I'll be able to sit with you again. I hope so, but I just have to honor where I'm at.

I like inner work, because the more I know me the more chance I have at remaining on the light side of that ever moving line.  It's a wild world we live in, no matter what you believe.  No matter how you cut it, we all have something we have to work through.  So I'm inviting y'all take a journey in, especially if it's been a minute.

I'm sending you endless love, and I still care deeply for you even if I can't sit in your darkness.  I hope you all truly know that.