Blog
August = ALS month
This day always reminds me of this day 5 years ago. I wake up with anxiety just knowing it's August 1st. You see this day 5 years ago, the first of a few doctors told Steve he had ALS. No one of course believed this doctor as the appointment went like this.
"What's going on with you?" The doctor asks Steve.
Steve, "I have some weakness that started in my right hand, and has gone to my left, and now I've started falling. I've been going to the doctor for any one of these symptoms for over a year, and there's never been any answers."
"Sounds like you have ALS, you should schedule an appointment with a specialist." The doctor replied with no emotion.
"What is ALS?" Remember 5 years ago when no one knew what it was.
"Lou Gehrig's disease, here's some doctor recommendations." That was it.
This was the 3rd doctor Steve had seen in just the short 4 months we had been dating, and despite this doctors poor diagnosing skills, I had that sinking feeling in my stomach he could be right. This was the first time Steve asked me what I would do if he had ALS. I remember that night he cooked dinner, and through tears told me that he spent the day researching and it would be awful, that he couldn't ask me to stay. I told him, not to get ahead of himself. I told him to stop researching, stop expecting us to have all the answers, and just wait and see, and that I didn't have any plans on leaving.
Of course, Steve my planning obsessed boopy, didn't stop planning. In fact he went ring shopping with his mom the very next day. August has always been "my month" I'm a leo, so it's not just one day in this month that's my birthday, it's my birthday month. Later becoming the month we got engaged and immediately started planning a wedding for just 2 months away. It's almost no surprise to me that in 2014 it became, ALS month; due to the ice bucket challenge.
ALS being the theme of this month is almost comforting these days. To know people actually know what ALS is, and to see people care enough about ALS patients they decided to participate in a challenge that went viral. It was all people talked about the entire month of August 2014, it was surreal, I mean we had people in the community become famous essentially because of an ALS diagnosis.
The ice bucket challenge was an amazing blessing to our community, that we've all been trying to hold onto for dear life. Of course, the results of the challenge are varying, but the fact that this disease was in the headlines, was hope. I had a glimmer of, "Steve could get cured."
Do I have that hope today? No. I'll be honest, I don't, with all that I've witnessed Steve's body go through, and the political BS in getting clinical trials funded and convincing the FDA for a right to try something proving to add some life, the reality is too clear.
HOWEVER, I think if we could find a way to replicate the money coming in that we did in 2014, to the right source (those wondering that would be ALS TDI) it could happen sooner rather than later. I believe August 2014 was the best thing that ever happened in the ALS community, and I hope every August generates that kind of money.
Neither Steve & I will be dumping any water on our heads this August, and we plead with all of our followers not to either. To be honest, water is too scarce for too many people, for us to feel okay with it being used for that. HOWEVER, we have some things up our sleeves for this month and we will be reminding you all of how important donations are.
Bernie Sanders taught a pretty incredible lesson this election season. You don't need the big money donations, you need donations in numbers. Between all of our different social media outlets Steve & I have, we have over 30,000 people following us. Some of those numbers could be duplicates, but stay with me. If each of those 30,000 just donated $15 we could raise $450,000! That is how we fund a cure. Change that to $20 & we are talking $600,000. That's some serious money from one ALS patients following. Now take that and multiply it by the thousands of ALS patients world wide, and together we can again make a huge difference in this community.
So with our reality being ALS everyday, having others talking about it this month, will be nice. Maybe a nice break from all the sources trying to divide us against each other, and we will see everyone come together. Because like I keep saying, we are in this together.
"What's going on with you?" The doctor asks Steve.
Steve, "I have some weakness that started in my right hand, and has gone to my left, and now I've started falling. I've been going to the doctor for any one of these symptoms for over a year, and there's never been any answers."
"Sounds like you have ALS, you should schedule an appointment with a specialist." The doctor replied with no emotion.
"What is ALS?" Remember 5 years ago when no one knew what it was.
"Lou Gehrig's disease, here's some doctor recommendations." That was it.
This was the 3rd doctor Steve had seen in just the short 4 months we had been dating, and despite this doctors poor diagnosing skills, I had that sinking feeling in my stomach he could be right. This was the first time Steve asked me what I would do if he had ALS. I remember that night he cooked dinner, and through tears told me that he spent the day researching and it would be awful, that he couldn't ask me to stay. I told him, not to get ahead of himself. I told him to stop researching, stop expecting us to have all the answers, and just wait and see, and that I didn't have any plans on leaving.
Of course, Steve my planning obsessed boopy, didn't stop planning. In fact he went ring shopping with his mom the very next day. August has always been "my month" I'm a leo, so it's not just one day in this month that's my birthday, it's my birthday month. Later becoming the month we got engaged and immediately started planning a wedding for just 2 months away. It's almost no surprise to me that in 2014 it became, ALS month; due to the ice bucket challenge.
ALS being the theme of this month is almost comforting these days. To know people actually know what ALS is, and to see people care enough about ALS patients they decided to participate in a challenge that went viral. It was all people talked about the entire month of August 2014, it was surreal, I mean we had people in the community become famous essentially because of an ALS diagnosis.
The ice bucket challenge was an amazing blessing to our community, that we've all been trying to hold onto for dear life. Of course, the results of the challenge are varying, but the fact that this disease was in the headlines, was hope. I had a glimmer of, "Steve could get cured."
Do I have that hope today? No. I'll be honest, I don't, with all that I've witnessed Steve's body go through, and the political BS in getting clinical trials funded and convincing the FDA for a right to try something proving to add some life, the reality is too clear.
HOWEVER, I think if we could find a way to replicate the money coming in that we did in 2014, to the right source (those wondering that would be ALS TDI) it could happen sooner rather than later. I believe August 2014 was the best thing that ever happened in the ALS community, and I hope every August generates that kind of money.
Neither Steve & I will be dumping any water on our heads this August, and we plead with all of our followers not to either. To be honest, water is too scarce for too many people, for us to feel okay with it being used for that. HOWEVER, we have some things up our sleeves for this month and we will be reminding you all of how important donations are.
Bernie Sanders taught a pretty incredible lesson this election season. You don't need the big money donations, you need donations in numbers. Between all of our different social media outlets Steve & I have, we have over 30,000 people following us. Some of those numbers could be duplicates, but stay with me. If each of those 30,000 just donated $15 we could raise $450,000! That is how we fund a cure. Change that to $20 & we are talking $600,000. That's some serious money from one ALS patients following. Now take that and multiply it by the thousands of ALS patients world wide, and together we can again make a huge difference in this community.
So with our reality being ALS everyday, having others talking about it this month, will be nice. Maybe a nice break from all the sources trying to divide us against each other, and we will see everyone come together. Because like I keep saying, we are in this together.
My mind is an untalented punk rock band...
They say the brain screams, while the heart whispers; often leaving the brain in charge of making decisions. However, the moments when you can tune into your heart, and really allow it to do the leading, are the most connected and pure moments you'll experience. The more you can learn to tap into that space, the louder it will become, and the quieter your mind will be.
A day in the life with my mind:
Alarm. okay, I have to get up and get stuff done. Marlowe snuggles me just as I grab my phone and turn the alarm off. Okay I can cuddle with her for a little bit. One minute in I grab my phone and begin to check the social media world for the day. 15 minutes later, crap, what am I even looking at?I notice I've been on my phone that long, I jump up. I begin my morning routine. What time did I schedule wound care today? What all can I get done before Steve gets up, oh and I can't forget put the clothes in the dryer. I forgot last night, I hope they aren't mildewed already. I walk out grabbing the yoga mat and cushion, as I roll out the mat, I remember, Oh crap the laundry. After a quick laundry break I see a bird I want to take a video of...Oh let me feed them...oh let me get a picture of that bug...oh look at the chipmunk....20 minutes later, I'm back on the yoga mat. In downward facing dog, I notice Marlowe scratching her butt on the post, "come here Marlowe." Poor thing needs scratched. Crap back to yoga. A very unfocused 20 minutes later I sit on the cushion. Okay breathe into my heart space and exhale up and out. Suddenly Marlowe starts scratching I wonder if she has fleas? I just put flea medicine on her. It's probably the heat....It is hot. I can't believe it's record heat temps and people still doubt climate change. Wonder if I should blog on that this morning. Chime rings, and suddenly I'm back on my breath. How did i just let my mind go that far. Okay breathe in focus, breathe out, breathe in focus, a bird starts to chirp near me, and I allow it to keep the monkey brain at bay for the remainder of the practice. As I'm brewing my coffee I try to tidy up the kitchen, starting the dishes, oh let me check the laundry, change laundry, back to dishes, oh I forgot to open that box I got in the mail yesterday, open box, discover medical supplies, unpack them, back to kitchen, oh yeah the dishes. Oh well coffee's ready I'll get back to those. Sitting down starring at the black screen, suddenly I have no words. I open my journal, hoping I had a good thought yesterday that will spark a blog, oh let me check my daily reading book, oh.... Steve's alarm rings. Damnit. "What are you doing awake already?"
A day in the life of my heart:
Alarm. Get out of bed and turn off alarm, see Marlowe curled up in the bed, putting the phone back on the table, curling with Marlowe. This dog just fuels me, feel her sending me love. She seriously was the best gift anyone's ever given me. Thanks Steve. Pause and get up and look at Steve. Studying his peaceful face and smiling at the little drops of droll in the corners of his mouth. I love seeing him comfortable. Get up and do my morning routine. Okay my face is not what determines my beauty, hey skin you'll clear up soon, I'm giving you all kinds of nourishment. Spitting out the coconut oil in garbage from oil pulling, I then clean up the bathroom after a few days of not tidying up after routines. Grabbing a pile of laundry and the 3 glasses of half drank water by the bed I make my way to the kitchen. Just dropping things off, and grabbing the yoga mat I make my way outside. It feels so good out here, and listen to those birds. Throwing out my mat to unroll starts the breath pattern immediately. It flows and with each exhale I begin to loosen up the tight morning muscles. Separate my toes and hold it for 5 full breaths. Feeling invigorated I sit on the cushion sinking into it, like I just sat on a raft in the water. The rhythm of the breath opens the heart more, silencing the mind. The bell rings, wow that was a fast 15 minutes, Namaste. Brewing coffee, I start the laundry, and then do the dishes. I should blog on Steve's wound today. Sitting down in front of the computer letting the words flow. Finishing up, and jotting some thoughts for tomorrow in my journal, and Steve's alarm rings. "Good morning boopy! How are you this morning? You look handsome."
Two very different days that are very true to real life, that highly depend on where I'm living my day from. The reason I wake up so early is to work to get to a place of the heart before Steve wakes up. Thankfully most days I get there, but I still show up everyday, because there's those days where the mind is having a full blown terrible punk rock concert, overshadowing everything in it's path, and it takes practice to stop it.
A day in the life with my mind:
Alarm. okay, I have to get up and get stuff done. Marlowe snuggles me just as I grab my phone and turn the alarm off. Okay I can cuddle with her for a little bit. One minute in I grab my phone and begin to check the social media world for the day. 15 minutes later, crap, what am I even looking at?I notice I've been on my phone that long, I jump up. I begin my morning routine. What time did I schedule wound care today? What all can I get done before Steve gets up, oh and I can't forget put the clothes in the dryer. I forgot last night, I hope they aren't mildewed already. I walk out grabbing the yoga mat and cushion, as I roll out the mat, I remember, Oh crap the laundry. After a quick laundry break I see a bird I want to take a video of...Oh let me feed them...oh let me get a picture of that bug...oh look at the chipmunk....20 minutes later, I'm back on the yoga mat. In downward facing dog, I notice Marlowe scratching her butt on the post, "come here Marlowe." Poor thing needs scratched. Crap back to yoga. A very unfocused 20 minutes later I sit on the cushion. Okay breathe into my heart space and exhale up and out. Suddenly Marlowe starts scratching I wonder if she has fleas? I just put flea medicine on her. It's probably the heat....It is hot. I can't believe it's record heat temps and people still doubt climate change. Wonder if I should blog on that this morning. Chime rings, and suddenly I'm back on my breath. How did i just let my mind go that far. Okay breathe in focus, breathe out, breathe in focus, a bird starts to chirp near me, and I allow it to keep the monkey brain at bay for the remainder of the practice. As I'm brewing my coffee I try to tidy up the kitchen, starting the dishes, oh let me check the laundry, change laundry, back to dishes, oh I forgot to open that box I got in the mail yesterday, open box, discover medical supplies, unpack them, back to kitchen, oh yeah the dishes. Oh well coffee's ready I'll get back to those. Sitting down starring at the black screen, suddenly I have no words. I open my journal, hoping I had a good thought yesterday that will spark a blog, oh let me check my daily reading book, oh.... Steve's alarm rings. Damnit. "What are you doing awake already?"
A day in the life of my heart:
Alarm. Get out of bed and turn off alarm, see Marlowe curled up in the bed, putting the phone back on the table, curling with Marlowe. This dog just fuels me, feel her sending me love. She seriously was the best gift anyone's ever given me. Thanks Steve. Pause and get up and look at Steve. Studying his peaceful face and smiling at the little drops of droll in the corners of his mouth. I love seeing him comfortable. Get up and do my morning routine. Okay my face is not what determines my beauty, hey skin you'll clear up soon, I'm giving you all kinds of nourishment. Spitting out the coconut oil in garbage from oil pulling, I then clean up the bathroom after a few days of not tidying up after routines. Grabbing a pile of laundry and the 3 glasses of half drank water by the bed I make my way to the kitchen. Just dropping things off, and grabbing the yoga mat I make my way outside. It feels so good out here, and listen to those birds. Throwing out my mat to unroll starts the breath pattern immediately. It flows and with each exhale I begin to loosen up the tight morning muscles. Separate my toes and hold it for 5 full breaths. Feeling invigorated I sit on the cushion sinking into it, like I just sat on a raft in the water. The rhythm of the breath opens the heart more, silencing the mind. The bell rings, wow that was a fast 15 minutes, Namaste. Brewing coffee, I start the laundry, and then do the dishes. I should blog on Steve's wound today. Sitting down in front of the computer letting the words flow. Finishing up, and jotting some thoughts for tomorrow in my journal, and Steve's alarm rings. "Good morning boopy! How are you this morning? You look handsome."
Two very different days that are very true to real life, that highly depend on where I'm living my day from. The reason I wake up so early is to work to get to a place of the heart before Steve wakes up. Thankfully most days I get there, but I still show up everyday, because there's those days where the mind is having a full blown terrible punk rock concert, overshadowing everything in it's path, and it takes practice to stop it.
Follow up on lost visits...
Because I have a lot of caregivers following this blog, I wanted to follow up on the blog, where I mentioned the visits decreasing. A lot of your resonated with it, some people just flat out didn't like it, and others really absorbed it.
Over the past month, there's been a great reconnect with some of our tribe, and it's been a beautiful thing to have people reaching out again, and let me tell you the help between family and friends visiting has been amazing! I'm finally catching up with things that sort of fell apart this year. This year had some very harsh hospital visits, that have kicked me off my feet. So, to everyone who has helped me stand back on my own again, thank you!
This is why I'm writing this blog, the other day a friend said something to me, that I want to share with everyone. "Hope, a lot of us thought you two needed to be alone to get through this, or that Steve needed to be resting and not have visits; you putting yourself out there gave us the okay to reach out to you. It was what was needed, people needed to know you want us here."
Of course after this, I had to process some things, and it dawned on me; that after 5 years of this I'm still not very good at saying, "Help! Hello, I'm drowning here help me." I sort of just expected everyone to know it. Speaking my truth to others really lets them know what they can do for us.
So if you're a caregiver that is in need of something, chances are others aren't going to think of it on their own. It's not a bad thing, it's just no one understands exactly what it takes to be an ALS caregiver, unless you've been through it yourself. So allow me to encourage you, ask for help when you need it, tell your people you need visitors, etc.
For those who have asked about Steve's status with visitors. He loves them in small doses. What I mean by that is, he loves having people around but he will get tired, and he has no shame in kicking us all out of the room when he does. Don't feel like you're going to make him sick or wear him out, because when he's had too much, he will tell you. No two days are the same either, so of course there may be that really bad day where he wants to be alone, but having people to talk to other than just me, goes a long way in quality of life for Steve. I would imagine this would apply to any bed bound patient.
So there you have it, I'm always learning and growing; and one day I will be an expert in the art of asking for help. Truth is, I can't expect people to know I need something, if I don't ask.
Over the past month, there's been a great reconnect with some of our tribe, and it's been a beautiful thing to have people reaching out again, and let me tell you the help between family and friends visiting has been amazing! I'm finally catching up with things that sort of fell apart this year. This year had some very harsh hospital visits, that have kicked me off my feet. So, to everyone who has helped me stand back on my own again, thank you!
This is why I'm writing this blog, the other day a friend said something to me, that I want to share with everyone. "Hope, a lot of us thought you two needed to be alone to get through this, or that Steve needed to be resting and not have visits; you putting yourself out there gave us the okay to reach out to you. It was what was needed, people needed to know you want us here."
Of course after this, I had to process some things, and it dawned on me; that after 5 years of this I'm still not very good at saying, "Help! Hello, I'm drowning here help me." I sort of just expected everyone to know it. Speaking my truth to others really lets them know what they can do for us.
So if you're a caregiver that is in need of something, chances are others aren't going to think of it on their own. It's not a bad thing, it's just no one understands exactly what it takes to be an ALS caregiver, unless you've been through it yourself. So allow me to encourage you, ask for help when you need it, tell your people you need visitors, etc.
For those who have asked about Steve's status with visitors. He loves them in small doses. What I mean by that is, he loves having people around but he will get tired, and he has no shame in kicking us all out of the room when he does. Don't feel like you're going to make him sick or wear him out, because when he's had too much, he will tell you. No two days are the same either, so of course there may be that really bad day where he wants to be alone, but having people to talk to other than just me, goes a long way in quality of life for Steve. I would imagine this would apply to any bed bound patient.
So there you have it, I'm always learning and growing; and one day I will be an expert in the art of asking for help. Truth is, I can't expect people to know I need something, if I don't ask.
Please, actually just feel it.
I recently read an article about how people are allowing feelings to stop them from reaching their full potential. It said, to ignore your feelings and push on.
.sigh. This left me feeling, A LOT.
I read the sentence 3 times, to make sure I was reading it correctly and to actually recognize how the sentence was making me feel. My heart sort of sank because I knew this article was being digested, downloaded, and processed by thousands of people. Envisioning thousands of emotionless robots walking around forgetting that they have these things inside to help guide you. You see, feeling life is a difference between being present and mindful and being numb and disconnected.
"Oh suck it up." "Oh stop being so dramatic." "Stop being angry." "Stop being emotional" "Don't let it hurt your feelings." "You're not tired, keep going." "You're being too sensitive" "You're so irrational" "Crybaby." "She's so bipolar." "Why are you so moody?"
I could keep going with the thousands of things we say to each other, and ourselves; but you get the point.
The thing about feelings, is that unless you actually feel them, you can't work through them. I know some of these phrases developed when people have spent too much time in one feeling, or couldn't fully handle all that they were feeling, and yes there is an art to processing your feelings; but ignoring them isn't that magical technique. The key is to always recognize what you're feeling, not ignore it.
Truly recognize it, understand where it's coming from, sit with it for a little, and then work through it.
Until sitting in front of my computer to write my story, I had been ignoring my feelings for years. So much anger, resentment, hurt, betrayal, confusion, sadness, envy, and fear hidden inside, that it was spilling out into other areas of my life. Suddenly feeling triggered by something innocent, I would release these feelings onto the wrong people. It was only when I stopped to untie the knotted up feelings inside, through each knot I would work through, the hold on me became less and less. Ignoring the feelings, only gives them more strength to intertwine into your being, but recognizing them gives you the power over them.
Next time you feel something, I want you to practice something. Find yourself some alone time to sit in silence, and speak the feeling out loud. "I'm pissed." Feel it for a minute, then take a few deep breaths. Ask yourself, "Why am I pissed?" Follow the thought, it will take you where you need to go. As you reach the point of why, ask yourself, "What am I going to do about it?" Make a plan of action, because in case we haven't realized this yet, feelings are always there to show you something. After you make a plan, sit for 5 minutes in total stillness and focus on your breath. Breathe the feeling in, but more importantly breath it out. As you begin to get into your breath pattern, start to breathe in peace and release the negative feeling. The feeling that was once pissed can now transform to determined. Some of those most influential people I know have been able to sit with these negative emotions and learn to sit in the kitchen, so to speak, until they can cook up some inspiration from them. Some of the best writings have come from people processing their sadness and grief.
You see, feeling life is the whole point. We aren't meant to be some heartless machines wandering around knocking others down on our way to the top. We are supposed to feel the guilt for the thing we did wrong, feel the sorrow for someone's loss, feel the frustration for unfair treatment, feel the joy for someone else's accomplishments, feel the extreme gratitude for another breath.
Unless you are allowing yourself to feel the negative, you aren't really feeling the positive either.
If I could edit this person's article, I would say, "People aren't feeling enough of life to reach their true potential." Because, truth is, feeling life is our biggest guide, our biggest teacher, and our biggest connection to one another. Without it, well, without it, we have what is happening all around us; a disconnected, ego driven, violent, race to the top.
Dream a dream of butterflies and bees landing on me. :D
I want to write about a dream I had last night. I'm elated when I can remember my dreams, because most nights I'm so exhausted from the day my subconscious seems so be snoozing too. Interpreting dreams might be one of my favorite things to do, aside from painting.
Starting my dream I was surrounded by beauty, I was in a valley covered in lush greens, and wildflowers as far as the eye can see, patches of lavender and sage filling the air with an aroma that I swear I smelled when I woke up this morning. There were tree covered mountains surrounding the valley and birds, squirrels, deer, chipmunks, butterflies, bees, and essentially every creature wandering around seemingly not phased by me. As I was walking along the path I was really trying to absorb the scenery, I was noticing the sky sparkle with the sun, and the magical hue the rays gave everything it touched. Big fluffy clouds that looked like cotton, scattered about the sky looking like it was dipped in coats of paint, scattered from every shade of pink to purple to orange.
I found an opening in the field, and as I sat down, a butterfly landed on my hand, as I was looking at it in awe, from the patterns of yellows and blacks, a voice interrupts my silence, "Hello Hope." I look up to see a tall woman with long curly brown hair wearing a white flowing dresses.
"Where am I?" I ask almost breathless from all that I'm taking in.
"You're here to show the difference of the two sets of eyes," as she started to explain I am mesmerized by her voice talking softly and in a flow. "You are here because you were chosen to help show the world, that it matters what set of eyes you use, to see the world."
I stare blankly at her, as if to wait for her to explain more. Then suddenly she stands up, and comes over to me and places her soft hands on my eyes, "Now show her the other set."
Suddenly opening my eyes to a mosquito biting me on my cheek, as I slap the bug away, I see a whole new scenery. What was once a lush green valley is now all dead. No growth for as long as the eyes can see. I stand up, having to immediately sit back down, as my head was spinning. There was a thickness in the air, that made it hard to breathe. Taking in a few deep breaths, I slowly regain my strength and balance. Walking, there are no butterflies happily suckling from any plants, no buzz of the bees, and as I look up I do notice the trees still on the mountain tops, "Ok, well at least there's still trees I say."
Suddenly, the woman appears this time dressed in rags, "Hello again." Her voice still sounding like a soft exhale.
"What happened?" I plead as I can't take my eyes off the dead grass, she quickly motions for me to follow her.
As we follow I am suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to find the good, and I ask if we can walk to a patch of yellow I see in the distance. Approaching I see they are sunflowers, and I start to slowly jog to them! "Look," I'm shouting back at her, "They're so beautiful." Taking in the sunflowers a bee comes and lands on my nose. Laughing, the bee suddenly talks. 'I'm loosing it' I start thinking.
'You did it,' the bee said. The voice actually sounding much like Steve's voice prior to ALS.
"What? What did I do?" I mumble, as the bee flies off.
Blinking my eyes suddenly a new world shows up, one where there is equal amounts of beautiful lush scenery and brown dried up scenery. I sit for a moment and watch as another butterfly comes and lands on my hand. Hearing the wind suddenly say, "Now go tell the world to choose better eyes to see from."
That's it, that's all I remember.
I sat in reflection of this dream this morning after mediation, knowing I wanted to write on it. The meaning is obvious to me, and I'm sure to everyone reading this. It's a concept that I've probably even touched on before. If you take two different people to the same scenery, one person will notice the dead patches of grass, the flowers that didn't survive, or the trees that may be dying. The other person will notice all of the growth, the creatures, the thriving trees.
Why do people see the same world so differently? Some without even realizing they do! It's as simple as choosing which eyes you see the world out of. Do you look for the beauty or do you look for the destruction?
I know there is a place of importance in recognizing the destruction; such as: climate change, the violence that occurs in the world, etc. Seeing that they exist is an important thing, but it's almost more important to recognize the beauty that is still there as well. In fact I think the whole purpose of this dream is that it is the difference between a life well lived and a life, just lived.
Today (and everyday) make an effort to notice 5 things of beauty in your day. On days where it feels extra heavy and dark double or triple that number. The more you actively seek the beauty, the more it will present itself to you.
Remember, everyday you get to choose. What eyes do you see the world from?
Starting my dream I was surrounded by beauty, I was in a valley covered in lush greens, and wildflowers as far as the eye can see, patches of lavender and sage filling the air with an aroma that I swear I smelled when I woke up this morning. There were tree covered mountains surrounding the valley and birds, squirrels, deer, chipmunks, butterflies, bees, and essentially every creature wandering around seemingly not phased by me. As I was walking along the path I was really trying to absorb the scenery, I was noticing the sky sparkle with the sun, and the magical hue the rays gave everything it touched. Big fluffy clouds that looked like cotton, scattered about the sky looking like it was dipped in coats of paint, scattered from every shade of pink to purple to orange.
I found an opening in the field, and as I sat down, a butterfly landed on my hand, as I was looking at it in awe, from the patterns of yellows and blacks, a voice interrupts my silence, "Hello Hope." I look up to see a tall woman with long curly brown hair wearing a white flowing dresses.
"Where am I?" I ask almost breathless from all that I'm taking in.
"You're here to show the difference of the two sets of eyes," as she started to explain I am mesmerized by her voice talking softly and in a flow. "You are here because you were chosen to help show the world, that it matters what set of eyes you use, to see the world."
I stare blankly at her, as if to wait for her to explain more. Then suddenly she stands up, and comes over to me and places her soft hands on my eyes, "Now show her the other set."
Suddenly opening my eyes to a mosquito biting me on my cheek, as I slap the bug away, I see a whole new scenery. What was once a lush green valley is now all dead. No growth for as long as the eyes can see. I stand up, having to immediately sit back down, as my head was spinning. There was a thickness in the air, that made it hard to breathe. Taking in a few deep breaths, I slowly regain my strength and balance. Walking, there are no butterflies happily suckling from any plants, no buzz of the bees, and as I look up I do notice the trees still on the mountain tops, "Ok, well at least there's still trees I say."
Suddenly, the woman appears this time dressed in rags, "Hello again." Her voice still sounding like a soft exhale.
"What happened?" I plead as I can't take my eyes off the dead grass, she quickly motions for me to follow her.
As we follow I am suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to find the good, and I ask if we can walk to a patch of yellow I see in the distance. Approaching I see they are sunflowers, and I start to slowly jog to them! "Look," I'm shouting back at her, "They're so beautiful." Taking in the sunflowers a bee comes and lands on my nose. Laughing, the bee suddenly talks. 'I'm loosing it' I start thinking.
'You did it,' the bee said. The voice actually sounding much like Steve's voice prior to ALS.
"What? What did I do?" I mumble, as the bee flies off.
Blinking my eyes suddenly a new world shows up, one where there is equal amounts of beautiful lush scenery and brown dried up scenery. I sit for a moment and watch as another butterfly comes and lands on my hand. Hearing the wind suddenly say, "Now go tell the world to choose better eyes to see from."
That's it, that's all I remember.
I sat in reflection of this dream this morning after mediation, knowing I wanted to write on it. The meaning is obvious to me, and I'm sure to everyone reading this. It's a concept that I've probably even touched on before. If you take two different people to the same scenery, one person will notice the dead patches of grass, the flowers that didn't survive, or the trees that may be dying. The other person will notice all of the growth, the creatures, the thriving trees.
Why do people see the same world so differently? Some without even realizing they do! It's as simple as choosing which eyes you see the world out of. Do you look for the beauty or do you look for the destruction?
I know there is a place of importance in recognizing the destruction; such as: climate change, the violence that occurs in the world, etc. Seeing that they exist is an important thing, but it's almost more important to recognize the beauty that is still there as well. In fact I think the whole purpose of this dream is that it is the difference between a life well lived and a life, just lived.
Today (and everyday) make an effort to notice 5 things of beauty in your day. On days where it feels extra heavy and dark double or triple that number. The more you actively seek the beauty, the more it will present itself to you.
Remember, everyday you get to choose. What eyes do you see the world from?
Here borrow my lighter.
When's the last time you complimented someone? Not just liking a photo on instagram, or expressing hair envy, or talking about that outfit being on fleek (say did I use that right? Look at me I'm hip. ;)) Those are all nice and everything, but what about soul compliments. Like, "Hey you know you're a really good communicator, I appreciate that.", or, "You are capable of changing the world with a brain and heart like yours.", or, "You are really creative and talented. I hope you know everything you do is magic." :)
Have you ever wondered what our world would look like, if we handed out genuine positive feedback like we do with negative. I believe there's always a place for the negative feedback, but in so many circumstances that's all I see some people doing. BALANCE. How many times will I write about this word in my blogs. I should actually start logging it. Because, if we could start to truly look for the good in people it will change the world.
Let's use me as an example. I was beat down in grad school. My professors all had me to believe I wasn't capable of pursuing what I had decided was my life's purpose (be a counselor), and really that I wasn't capable of much of anything really. Our last year, we attended an internship, and after a month spent with my new boss, he called me into his office. I was so sure he was going to remind me of my flaws when he started, "I notice you have very little confidence in yourself, but now that you've become comfortable around me I can get you to open up. During conversations about cases you're more insightful than colleagues I've worked with for years, but around anyone but me you freeze up. What if you just gave yourself permission to see if you can do this, because I believe you can. In fact I see you as one of the more influential therapists of our time, if you can do some work on yourself."
In that very instant my boss changed the course of my life. With simply him taking the time to see past the layers of the negative to see the light in there. Everyone of us has a light inside of us, and some just need a reminder. What if we had told some of those acting out in violence what was good inside of them? Do you think they would have still committed the actions? Maybe? Maybe not, in my mind I would guess half of them could shift back.
So I ask again, when was the last time you complimented someone? Because, maybe it's time. Maybe it's time to shift someones life back in the right direction. We are all in this together, we are all capable of love, and we are all capable of changing someone's life for the positive.
Let's light each other's candles again.
Have you ever wondered what our world would look like, if we handed out genuine positive feedback like we do with negative. I believe there's always a place for the negative feedback, but in so many circumstances that's all I see some people doing. BALANCE. How many times will I write about this word in my blogs. I should actually start logging it. Because, if we could start to truly look for the good in people it will change the world.
Let's use me as an example. I was beat down in grad school. My professors all had me to believe I wasn't capable of pursuing what I had decided was my life's purpose (be a counselor), and really that I wasn't capable of much of anything really. Our last year, we attended an internship, and after a month spent with my new boss, he called me into his office. I was so sure he was going to remind me of my flaws when he started, "I notice you have very little confidence in yourself, but now that you've become comfortable around me I can get you to open up. During conversations about cases you're more insightful than colleagues I've worked with for years, but around anyone but me you freeze up. What if you just gave yourself permission to see if you can do this, because I believe you can. In fact I see you as one of the more influential therapists of our time, if you can do some work on yourself."
In that very instant my boss changed the course of my life. With simply him taking the time to see past the layers of the negative to see the light in there. Everyone of us has a light inside of us, and some just need a reminder. What if we had told some of those acting out in violence what was good inside of them? Do you think they would have still committed the actions? Maybe? Maybe not, in my mind I would guess half of them could shift back.
So I ask again, when was the last time you complimented someone? Because, maybe it's time. Maybe it's time to shift someones life back in the right direction. We are all in this together, we are all capable of love, and we are all capable of changing someone's life for the positive.
Let's light each other's candles again.