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mirror mirror on the wall...
A friend of mine once told me, "If you can learn to see everyone as a mirror, your self growth will increase exponentially."
I didn't really take heed of this advice immediately. In fact, I didn't want to see the things some people were showing me. When someone would bother me, instead of realizing these people were showing me where this trait exists in me, I just wanted to cut them out of my life. So I did. Over and over. I became an expert of cutting people out of my life. In fact I would guess, some of you reading this are thinking, "Yep, she did this to me."
Now let me add here, as it is important; some people NEED cut out. Some people are so toxic for you and even if you try to see them as a mirror, truth is you and them just aren't meant to coexist. This is okay. I say this because, after I became very aware of my quick cutting, I started letting people stay because I thought for sure there was something they were trying to show me, or I thought I was there maybe to help show them something. I allowed people to even steal from Steve and I. I sat aware of this happening, but didn't pull out the scissors right away because I kept trying to find my reflection in that mirror. Sometimes people are there to show you what you SHOULDN'T accept in your life.
Like all things in life, balance applies to this. Surprised? I shouldn't be, but I was. After understanding the difference between people holding up that mirror and people being toxic; this quote has changed my life. What once drove me nuts about people, now is opening my eyes to the existence of this behavior in me. As I then address this in myself, I can then find myself seeing past these traits in others.
I will say that more people show me behaviors I have in myself some days than I can do on my own.
Just a few examples: When I have a disagreement with someone, I think I'm 100% right so much so that I won't listen to other people's sides. I didn't realize that until really paying attention to arguments with Steve and my mom. Both are full length mirrors for this. Understanding I have this trait helps me to become more aware in the middle of a disagreement, that listening is more important than always being right. People who speak open judgement often remind me of how much judgment I'm carrying around; mostly of myself. This was an interesting one for me: A friend was talking about all of the projects she had going, and how she couldn't finish any of them because she was too scattered: this was like looking into one of those awful magnifying mirrors. You know the ones with the bright lights that you can see every imperfection on your face. One more example for good measure: I have a friend who says they will do something by a certain date, and when they inevitably don't I'm pissed! After the 3rd time of this happening, I thought to myself, where in life am I doing this? No surprise, it was sprinkled in almost every area of my life: from writing in my book, to doing stuff for Steve, to Hopie Hippie, etc....
Mirrors are everywhere and when we stop shattering them, and choose to look directly in at the reflection staring back at you, that's when real change happens. Who are your mirrors? What are they teaching you? I would love to hear from anyone willing to share theirs.
Present in time.
Time.
Time.
Time.
Not enough of it. Too much of it. Where does it go?
Goes faster in the flow. Pauses in moments of love. Flies when you're having fun.
Quit wasting my time. Make the most of your time. How much time is left?
Time.
I have an interesting relationship with this 4 letter word. Interesting in a sense where I value time greatly as it's amount is unknown and never promised yet I still forget sometimes....it could run out...at any time....
Around this time 5 years ago, Steve, began his long journey towards an ALS diagnosis. I will never forget the weeks that led up to the official diagnoses (happened in August); the ups and downs, the emotions, fears, times of pause, time flying, time dragging in doctors offices inspecting their faces for answers, waiting times for doctors appointments, times spent on the internet googling symptoms and self diagnosing, times trying to forget there's even a problem,...
It wasn't all negative because Steve and I were newly in love, I had already made up my mind that even if it was something awful, I wasn't going anywhere. Four months was enough time, in this circumstance, to know he was the one.
I have a new perspective on time because of Steve, and it's value, yet I still find myself snapping at people, "You're wasting my time," instead of fully giving of it to those who need it, or I find myself "wasting it" by spending too much of it, reading about other people's time.
Time.
I have come to believe that truly learning how to best spend this luxury of time, is the most important lesson one will learn.
Maybe the first step of this, is this appreciation of it I have. Until you can appreciate it, how can you manage it properly?
It's time, for a commitment, to time. To proper use, proper management, and proper presence.
Proper presence. To truly be present in all situations makes for enough time, great use of time, and peace with however much time is left.
Time.
Time.
Not enough of it. Too much of it. Where does it go?
Goes faster in the flow. Pauses in moments of love. Flies when you're having fun.
Quit wasting my time. Make the most of your time. How much time is left?
Time.
I have an interesting relationship with this 4 letter word. Interesting in a sense where I value time greatly as it's amount is unknown and never promised yet I still forget sometimes....it could run out...at any time....
Around this time 5 years ago, Steve, began his long journey towards an ALS diagnosis. I will never forget the weeks that led up to the official diagnoses (happened in August); the ups and downs, the emotions, fears, times of pause, time flying, time dragging in doctors offices inspecting their faces for answers, waiting times for doctors appointments, times spent on the internet googling symptoms and self diagnosing, times trying to forget there's even a problem,...
It wasn't all negative because Steve and I were newly in love, I had already made up my mind that even if it was something awful, I wasn't going anywhere. Four months was enough time, in this circumstance, to know he was the one.
I have a new perspective on time because of Steve, and it's value, yet I still find myself snapping at people, "You're wasting my time," instead of fully giving of it to those who need it, or I find myself "wasting it" by spending too much of it, reading about other people's time.
Time.
I have come to believe that truly learning how to best spend this luxury of time, is the most important lesson one will learn.
Maybe the first step of this, is this appreciation of it I have. Until you can appreciate it, how can you manage it properly?
It's time, for a commitment, to time. To proper use, proper management, and proper presence.
Proper presence. To truly be present in all situations makes for enough time, great use of time, and peace with however much time is left.
the space between
I have so much excitement for a weekend with my momma, and after some loving visits yesterday I am feeling reconnected with both feet on the ground. I wanted to do a small follow up to yesterdays blog, and let y'all know I will be taking the weekend off. I'll be back Monday.
I know it's no surprise that a message prompted this blog, and I remind you not to be afraid to send me feedback even though I love writing about it. :) That's what life is all about though, giving one another constructive feedback and continuing to help each other grow and move forward.
This lovely message I received was a nice reminder of how important the space between is. How many Dave Matthews fans are now singing? Insert music note emoji. Okay...I digress.
The space between. What is that exactly? According to Dave it's the space between tears, that has moments of laughter, that keeps you coming back for more. For me yesterday, it was the space between feeling the heavy emotions of the chaos in the world, and realizing Steve's wound had gone backwards. The space between is important, and without this lovely reminder I might have actually forgotten that.
I don't enjoy disconnecting as a coping mechanism, but sometimes it's all I can do. It's all any of us can do, and it's okay to have a few days there. I want to add to yesterday's by adding this. It is okay to have the space in between where you collect yourself, your emotions, and your energy to continue to be present and mindful in all areas of life.
What I was mostly referring to was the thousands of those who live there all the time. We all know at least one person who does this. Without naming any names think of someone you know that is in a constant state of disconnect. Now on the flip side, how about those who never take the time to disconnect. Two different types of people both forgetting to allow the space between.
I read a beautiful article yesterday on how we are sent to awaken one another, in a world of sleeping minds; and I love this concept. Recall a moment where you had a conversation with someone and with a simple sentence they may have planted a seed that fully blossoms, and forces growth inside of you. These moments are profound and have a lasting positive effect on your life. I want to recognize that it's just as important for us to remind one another to take pauses and enjoy the blank space between as well.
In a mad world, it's really all we can do, is help each other through it all. I would like to encourage everyone reading this to give some encouragement or feedback today. It will probably take you 5 minutes, and those 5 minutes can vastly improve upon someone's life for years. What a beautiful gift we all have to give to others. I know every single message I receive from you all has a lasting effect on me, and I'm forever grateful for them.
Quick update on Steve: As you've read in several blogs and posts we've been dealing with a pressure sore on his booty since April. While, we have greatly improved we recently had an unexpected set back. It was slightly discouraging, but also I'm reminded of how blessed we are that he still has the ability to heal. I'm happy to announce as of yesterday we are back headed in the right direction of healing. Nothing's taught me more patience than this sore, in my lifetime; so I am strongly focusing on the lesson and the positives here. Thank you all for praying for us, sending good energy and love, thinking of us, and constantly supporting us in a multitude of ways. You all greatly improve our lives!
take the disconnect and reconnect.
I'm feeling very disconnected today. So much so I've been staring at a blank screen for 30 minutes and almost decided on not blogging today. We have wound care, some visits, and preparations for my mom coming in town this weekend today, so it's totally justifiable that I don't blog.
I've sort of adopted the phrase, "Speak only if it improves upon the silence." Well, silence feels okay to me right now. The feeling of being disconnected isn't a bad one per say. I'm peaceful, I'm functional, and I'm even a little less distracted. However, I'm also totally disconnected with not just the reality in our situation with Steve's wound, but the world.
In a sense me feeling this, sort of put things into perspective in our world right now. It's full of disconnect. Disconnect from people different than you, different political parties, disconnected from the earth and the damage we cause it daily, disconnect from the violence because it doesn't directly affect us, disconnected from our loved ones......
When you're functioning from a place of disconnection, you aren't fully in the world. I'm not putting my energy into self care, routines, projects, or much other than Steve right now. Even he's getting the bare minimum. Feeling this foggy unawareness is much like the state I imagine much of our world in.
"Eh, no need to worry about that right now. Right now I'm just going to sit here and stare into space and think about nothing." Sure we all need moments like this, and I guess I'm in my time of needing some down time, but how many people choose to stay disconnected.
I can't imagine feeling this way forever, it's sort of zombie like. Yesterday I starred at my list of orders for weavings, and just blankly said, "yeah I'm not doing this right now..." and felt no response. Absolutely nothing. The space that was once feeling anxious about needing to work and do do do. Is filled with nothingness. So I can see why people like to camp out here. It's sort of a peaceful unawareness that leaves you feeling blissful because you don't really absorb what's going on in the world.
However, living in a state of disconnect for long periods is what leads to huge rifts in our world. Not feeling connected enough to other human beings hurting, because we don't want to experience their pain. Not feeling connected enough to our planet, because we don't want to face the reality or even do ANYTHING it takes to help solve it. Not feeling connected to the happenings in the world, so we don't care about injustice taking place. Not feeling connected to our food, so who cares if it's mistreated just feed me!
Does this sound familiar? It made me realize that maybe our world isn't just some place full of self absorbed, ego driven, hate filled people. Maybe it's full of too much disconnect.
So how do we connect again? For me, I have to break routine, which of course is hard being home every single day. It's also me seeking connection with others in real life form. Luckily my momma will be here this weekend she will help me connect again, but what about the rest of the world? How do we help those who are so content in this disconnected state, to feel connected again?
I'm not entirely sure of this answer, but what I do know is those who are connected are the ones out there making a difference. The ones who remain disconnected, well, they may not even realize they can be making a difference. I think the solution is to regain connection with others in REAL LIFE again. More socializing in person and less socializing on a screen. I'm sure i'll blog on this again, as I come back to feeling connected to the world again (hopefully soon) because this thought just gave me new perspective on how to play a more impactful role in being the change I think our world needs.
here let me help you out of that hole.
I know I'm not the only one who has frequent, "What the *swear word* am I doing...?"( ....add on with my life, with this situation, this painting, care-giving, being an adult...etc.) running through my head. During these moments, it's so hard not to go down that rabbit hole of self doubt. It's like your brain is just pushing you over the edge, and if you're quick enough to grab on to anything as you fall and pull yourself back up, you're doing exceptional!
This my friends is life. So how do you stop from falling over? This is one I've recently learned, although mastery is far off. Instead of explaining this one, I want to do story time. Gather around kids. :)
This morning I woke up to Steve asking me to rearrange him. My alarm had already gone off and I turned it off and curled back up with Marlowe (our black lab) and had fallen back to sleep. "Ugh," I sigh out loud.
"So what are you wanting?" I say as I slowly crawl out of bed.
As he types I make my bed and do some puppy cuddles, interrupted by the Tobii, "My butt hurts, so turn me."
As I'm about to turn him, my self righteousness kicks in. "You know babe, you haven't complained about your butt hurting until I told you the sore got larger, which I told you 4 days after it initially happened. You know you have a strong mind, try to use it to help you and not hurt you."
I turn him and get him arranged, and he mouths for me to hold on so he can type. "You have no idea the pain I experience everyday. Stop telling me it's in my head." His face is expressionless as he stares at me, showing me his strong eyes without blinking for at least 45 seconds.
"What are we even doing?" I start saying....I stop myself. "I'm sorry. You're right, i'll never understand and I'm sorry. I guess I'm just trying to convince myself that I can actually do something more than giving you pills to help."
"You can," he replies. "By just sending me love, rearranging me, and you seeing me comfortable, instead of trying to do the brain talk with me. Now kiss me and let me sleep."
"I love you," I say kissing him and flashing him a little cheek as I walk out.
All that is ringing through my head is "What am I doing? What are we doing? With all of it..." Feeling a combination of guilt for being so insensitive, frustration for this pain he has and the little I can do for it, sadness for the obvious reason, and suddenly I start to fall down the hole.
I roll out the yoga mat, and take a deep breath. The birds and chipmunks scurrying in and out for food as I try to climb out of the hole. Thankfully the minute I stepped outside I was able to grab a hold of the walls edge. As I am in downward facing dog, Marlowe, comes and licks me in the face. In that moment, suddenly, I was able to pull myself up and the sun was shining on me like a light bulb and I had a thought, "I'm doing the best I can."
All this time, I would sit and analyze my thoughts, words, actions, and try to find out why I would do things or think things. Never actually giving myself the credit for what I AM doing. Which is 'trying' every single day. The very act of doing and trying is enough, you know? After all, me deciding I want to be a good person, doesn't mean I just suddenly get it right all the time. I am human.
I'm doing the best I can. It's okay to remind myself of this. I always think if I'm too gentle on myself I will get complacent and stop growth. Truth is, reminders of how you are doing well, are some of the most important things.
I once had a boss who never told me I was doing things right, but thankfully his partner was able to say, "You know him he just can't give praise, you're learning so much keep up the great work." Here I was being my boss, and forgetting to tell myself good job and to keep up the great work.
So here I share with you, in hopes that I will help catch some of you before you fall down that hole; and remind you that you're doing a good job, and to keep up the great work. Because sometimes, doing the best you can, is enough.
This my friends is life. So how do you stop from falling over? This is one I've recently learned, although mastery is far off. Instead of explaining this one, I want to do story time. Gather around kids. :)
This morning I woke up to Steve asking me to rearrange him. My alarm had already gone off and I turned it off and curled back up with Marlowe (our black lab) and had fallen back to sleep. "Ugh," I sigh out loud.
"So what are you wanting?" I say as I slowly crawl out of bed.
As he types I make my bed and do some puppy cuddles, interrupted by the Tobii, "My butt hurts, so turn me."
As I'm about to turn him, my self righteousness kicks in. "You know babe, you haven't complained about your butt hurting until I told you the sore got larger, which I told you 4 days after it initially happened. You know you have a strong mind, try to use it to help you and not hurt you."
I turn him and get him arranged, and he mouths for me to hold on so he can type. "You have no idea the pain I experience everyday. Stop telling me it's in my head." His face is expressionless as he stares at me, showing me his strong eyes without blinking for at least 45 seconds.
"What are we even doing?" I start saying....I stop myself. "I'm sorry. You're right, i'll never understand and I'm sorry. I guess I'm just trying to convince myself that I can actually do something more than giving you pills to help."
"You can," he replies. "By just sending me love, rearranging me, and you seeing me comfortable, instead of trying to do the brain talk with me. Now kiss me and let me sleep."
"I love you," I say kissing him and flashing him a little cheek as I walk out.
All that is ringing through my head is "What am I doing? What are we doing? With all of it..." Feeling a combination of guilt for being so insensitive, frustration for this pain he has and the little I can do for it, sadness for the obvious reason, and suddenly I start to fall down the hole.
I roll out the yoga mat, and take a deep breath. The birds and chipmunks scurrying in and out for food as I try to climb out of the hole. Thankfully the minute I stepped outside I was able to grab a hold of the walls edge. As I am in downward facing dog, Marlowe, comes and licks me in the face. In that moment, suddenly, I was able to pull myself up and the sun was shining on me like a light bulb and I had a thought, "I'm doing the best I can."
All this time, I would sit and analyze my thoughts, words, actions, and try to find out why I would do things or think things. Never actually giving myself the credit for what I AM doing. Which is 'trying' every single day. The very act of doing and trying is enough, you know? After all, me deciding I want to be a good person, doesn't mean I just suddenly get it right all the time. I am human.
I'm doing the best I can. It's okay to remind myself of this. I always think if I'm too gentle on myself I will get complacent and stop growth. Truth is, reminders of how you are doing well, are some of the most important things.
I once had a boss who never told me I was doing things right, but thankfully his partner was able to say, "You know him he just can't give praise, you're learning so much keep up the great work." Here I was being my boss, and forgetting to tell myself good job and to keep up the great work.
So here I share with you, in hopes that I will help catch some of you before you fall down that hole; and remind you that you're doing a good job, and to keep up the great work. Because sometimes, doing the best you can, is enough.
Garbage in, garbage out...
I would like to start a new movement. I know, I know another movement. Everyone's doing it, right? Well, that's because the truth is, behind all the muddied up garbage that gets into our news feeds, is the good that's really out there. Just being hidden. There's been a ton of movements of this in the past but I don't know why they won't last. Do we really like to hear all the negative that much? My momma used to say something to my brother and I growing up, "Garbage in, garbage out."
So here we have it. People are being fed these GARBAGE stories to create more hatred and division in our world, and they are totally forgetting how much beauty there is left. Now instead of seeing people speak of goals or hopes, they are speaking of why the world isn't supporting these dreams. Instead of a news feed of positive stories of the thousands out there doing great work, it's full of hatred on another person. Mainly political nonsense. Don't even get me started on the news. I've said it 100 times, unless you're actually watching a source just giving facts and allowing you to make your own judgment, you're being TOLD directly what to think and feel.
I say it's time we take our minds back. I say it's time we start to remember the beautiful things in our world. This isn't to ignore the true issues that need addressed, but if you look closely at those out their doing true activism you will see people making HUGE differences for our world. Because they are out there with passion and love, and doing their own thinking, instead of being told what to think. There's always going to be the one apple on that tree that's rotten, and depending on how you look at the tree you could see the whole thing as bad, and miss out on the abundance of good left. I say it's time we stop giving that bad apple our attention.
I've been guilty of it, innocently sharing the news story spreading hatred and fear. What is it solving? It's not actually us being informed on what's going on in our world, it's us being scared. Because from where I sit, yes the bad apples are there, but there's so so so much more beautiful, ripe, juicy, sweet apples ready for the picking.
If anyone's taught me about finding the silver lining, it would be Steve. As he was loosing more and more of his body he would often say, "Hey i'll never loose my heart or mind." A beautiful reminder that even though people are trying to pump us full or negative much like the chemicals I spoke of a few blogs back, we can still control our hearts and mind, and shut off the noise.
Here's what I propose:
There's 2 sides to this.
1. DON'T watch the news, hide the politics from your feeds, take a step back from all of it. Truly stop allowing all the negative being pushed on you for 1 week. Give yourself the space to truly think on your own and ask your heart and mind what you think is right, instead of allowing some man or woman on the TV decide it for you.
2. FIND THE GOOD. I would recommend the hashtag #butimstillblessed but I know the last thing people are going to do is another hashtag. This doesn't have to be publicized even. Cultivate a practice of gratitude again. I like to start and end everyday with 5 full minutes of expressing gratitude. It's the most important thing I've ever implemented into my daily routine, and one I will continue to do no matter where we are.
Let's give our attention to the good again. If you want to share it in your personal life please do, if you want to share others out there doing it, just as awesome. Please, let's remind ourselves that even though there are some heavy issues in our world, there is more love. Love will win if that's what we give our attention to. Feeding these negative stories with our attention only gives the fire more power. I won't be a part of this raging fire that's trying to tear us all apart.
I want a movement of feeding the good wolf. Collectively. If you're with me, share this. Share good stories only on your feeds. Share good news in your life. Share only love.
So here we have it. People are being fed these GARBAGE stories to create more hatred and division in our world, and they are totally forgetting how much beauty there is left. Now instead of seeing people speak of goals or hopes, they are speaking of why the world isn't supporting these dreams. Instead of a news feed of positive stories of the thousands out there doing great work, it's full of hatred on another person. Mainly political nonsense. Don't even get me started on the news. I've said it 100 times, unless you're actually watching a source just giving facts and allowing you to make your own judgment, you're being TOLD directly what to think and feel.
I say it's time we take our minds back. I say it's time we start to remember the beautiful things in our world. This isn't to ignore the true issues that need addressed, but if you look closely at those out their doing true activism you will see people making HUGE differences for our world. Because they are out there with passion and love, and doing their own thinking, instead of being told what to think. There's always going to be the one apple on that tree that's rotten, and depending on how you look at the tree you could see the whole thing as bad, and miss out on the abundance of good left. I say it's time we stop giving that bad apple our attention.
I've been guilty of it, innocently sharing the news story spreading hatred and fear. What is it solving? It's not actually us being informed on what's going on in our world, it's us being scared. Because from where I sit, yes the bad apples are there, but there's so so so much more beautiful, ripe, juicy, sweet apples ready for the picking.
If anyone's taught me about finding the silver lining, it would be Steve. As he was loosing more and more of his body he would often say, "Hey i'll never loose my heart or mind." A beautiful reminder that even though people are trying to pump us full or negative much like the chemicals I spoke of a few blogs back, we can still control our hearts and mind, and shut off the noise.
Here's what I propose:
There's 2 sides to this.
1. DON'T watch the news, hide the politics from your feeds, take a step back from all of it. Truly stop allowing all the negative being pushed on you for 1 week. Give yourself the space to truly think on your own and ask your heart and mind what you think is right, instead of allowing some man or woman on the TV decide it for you.
2. FIND THE GOOD. I would recommend the hashtag #butimstillblessed but I know the last thing people are going to do is another hashtag. This doesn't have to be publicized even. Cultivate a practice of gratitude again. I like to start and end everyday with 5 full minutes of expressing gratitude. It's the most important thing I've ever implemented into my daily routine, and one I will continue to do no matter where we are.
Let's give our attention to the good again. If you want to share it in your personal life please do, if you want to share others out there doing it, just as awesome. Please, let's remind ourselves that even though there are some heavy issues in our world, there is more love. Love will win if that's what we give our attention to. Feeding these negative stories with our attention only gives the fire more power. I won't be a part of this raging fire that's trying to tear us all apart.
I want a movement of feeding the good wolf. Collectively. If you're with me, share this. Share good stories only on your feeds. Share good news in your life. Share only love.