(self) knowledge is power.
I recently started to really tune in to my moods/feelings, and started tracking my days, and here's what details I include:
- How I feel each day (including all of my feelings, because it is normal they change through the day.)
- What sign the moon is in (because that babe has more influence than most give it credit)
- What I ate that day (because food is my most important tool)
- Who I interacted with (am I still allowing the energy vampires?)
- Social media use/things I did that day (Did I spend all day scrolling through my phone/did I participate in my goals/hopes).
- Steve's health (This is obvious).
- Where I am on my cycle (Again hormones are obvious and important).
- Did I include any self care in my day (Am I helping cultivate healthy emotions, am I treating myself kindly?)
It may seem like a lot, but at the end of each day, I just jot down a few sentences reporting the essentials on the day, on average it takes me 5 minutes.
So why am I taking 5 minutes and the paper to do this?
To be honest, I never put much thought into why I was feeling certain things, that didn't have an obvious explanation; I just sort of went in whatever direction my feelings wanted to take me. It took me seeing those who I would hurt while I was following those feelings to realize I needed to understand.
There's a power in knowledge, and 2017 really requires more learning and understanding; so I decided to start with myself. It may appear a little premature to write on this, since I just started it Jan 1st, but I have found such valuable growth in this short time, I wanted to put it out there, in case anyone else is feeling a pull in this direction.
I have gained more knowledge on the power of food, about my needs for alone time, and about how outside forces (ie: the moon, the world) influence me; but mostly I have gained patience. Without intending to, I find myself able to take that extra deep breath before reacting, or I find myself able to step away from something if it isn't for me (ie: social media).
I know there are an increasing amount of things out of my control happening all around me; so now seemed like a great time to really gain some control on how I react. I tried for a large time, and I believe the breakthrough where I understood my feelings toward Steve, displayed that understanding will be my guide.
If you are reading this thinking, "I can relate to the unexplained feelings", "I snapped at my husband yesterday without knowing why", "I think I get angry without food too", or simply, "I would like to understand my feelings." Try it. Make a time you do it everyday, and just sit down and quickly write it down.
The more I can understand myself, the more I can utilize my power. Knowing what triggers me, is a large part of being able to withstand the waves in this world. Bottom line is, knoweledge is power.
I get it from my momma...
This weekend as I watched my mom power through pain to help me carry a pallet up my yard, despite me being insistent I could do it alone, it demonstrated something I desperately needed this odd weekend. No complaints, just a stumble here, an apology for needing to sit down there, or me reminding her to stop.
As I watched her carry on in whatever direction I took us on for that hour, she mirrored something for me. I'm often sharing some of my areas of growth, because writing helps me process, after a weekend with her however, my strengths feel like they have a little spot light on them.
It's strength. Its grace. It's drive. Perseverance. It's in understanding that if you can keep the mind right the body will follow. It's the energy you can muster up when you're in the flow. Especially when you're in it with someone you love.
My mom may have severe pain from advanced arthritis, but it's not stronger than her spirit. This same spirit is the same spirit, that reminds me that everyone deserves a chance, that love is stronger than hate, and that even when the world seems like it's falling apart I can keep going forward.
There's this special magic she instilled in me, one that I went most of my life without noticing, it's in knowing that whatever I pursue, no matter how challenging; if I'm in, I can do it. She never necessarily spoke those words to me, it was more in her actions. I'll write in this much more detailed in my book; my mom didn't have easy circumstances pretty much my entire childhood, but she always found the answer to problems, she always moved forward, I never saw her stuck in any problem. Even if all she knew to do was pray (much more important than I ever gave it credit for during those times), she knew she would find a solution, and she always did.
While, I was feeling the world's energy pretty intensely this weekend, my mom was there to remind me, it wasn't mine. That discernment in knowing which paths to get taken down, and which ones just aren't meant for me; is something without her knowing she demonstrates seamlessly. The balance of standing up for what you believe in with respect for others beliefs, the knowing that you can still care deeply for others and keep yourself in focus.
So thanks mom, if there was every a weekend I needed you and your grounded grace, it was this one. <3
A word for the strong ladies out there, and it's not the B one.
This will be my last post for the week, as my Momma is coming in tomorrow for the weekend! :) YAY!
So many things floating through my mind to blog about, but with this weekend being the women's march, I'm feeling the pull to write on strong females. I used the word "bitch" in Monday's blog to describe myself, as I was talking about some resentment with Steve; and the response stirred up some words.
As women, we are taught to keep our opinions to ourselves if they aren't "nice" and that if we speak up for ourselves, we're bitches. I almost didn't even realize I still had it so ingrained into my being; until female after female spoke on how speaking your truths, and acknowledging your own feelings certainly didn't make them describe me as a bitch.
So why was it something I thought of? Well, lets start with the fact that upon me saying those words, I was immediately called a bitch by Steve. I'm not throwing him or all you men under the bus here; the fact is WE ARE ALL conditioned to think like this, men and women.
Why? What is it about a woman who speaks her mind that automatically lumps her in the B word category? Perhaps it's years and years of women being oppressed, to be made to feel like they aren't allowed opinions. I consider it a privilege that I am able to write a blog sharing my thoughts and feelings so freely; because not too long ago that wouldn't be possible. Even still it's 2017, and it is that way for many females out there, scared to speak their minds because it's literally life or death.
I've come to realize that it doesn't matter what side of this weird forced divide you are on, and what any of us want to see happen in our world, it won't until we all start seeing EVERYONE as equal. Meaning we all have rights, freedoms, our safety, opportunities, ... I can keep going, but I believe you're all smart enough to get it.
Some scary changes will be happening this year, but I am not without hope. In fact, I've never felt more hopeful. Look I know we have a long way to come together, but like the great Joseph Campbell said, "You can't cook an omelet without breaking eggs." This break in our world, is now an opportunity. For us to stand up for what is right, and hopefully in the end we slowly start to come together.
Call me a feminist, a hippie, an idealist, a dreamer; hell whatever, just don't call me a bitch; and I won't either. Because, it's time for us all to learn to be able to stand in our truths, and feel okay with the response even if it's negative.
Also, because I feel this is important to include: Yes, Steve knows I'm sharing his words in this blog, and immediately after saying this he pleaded for forgiveness. Steve's truths are just as valid as mine, and in that moment that's how he felt. He also said to add, "You're right the word Bitch and it's meaning is definitely an ingrained thing for us, one i'll work to break. We wouldn't be able to survive this if you weren't a strong female."
And there you have it.
The ocean doesn't stop moving.
"The dark night of the soul comes just before revelation. When everything is lost, and all seems darkness, then comes the new life and all that is needed." Joseph Campbell
2017 feels different to me, in fact much of the world feels different to me these days. So many times in 2016, I had big plans for our world, just to have those plans torn apart by something. Over and over again, I would have these waves come crash over me (us), sweeping me (us) off of my(our) feet. Then having to exert so much energy just to get my feet back on the ground. It came over and over again, until I finally got it.
It's a magical life to be able to experience life changing growth together with your partner. The two of us, cling to each other for dear life as we are tossed around; and as I finally get my feet on solid ground, I can help get Steve there with me.
"When the world seems to be falling apart, the rule is to hang onto your own bliss. It's that life that survives." Joseph Campbell.
Instead of allowing those waves to knock me over, life was teaching me to ride them. To trust the current, because it was taking us where we needed to go. The world was falling apart, around us, and in on us; and we hadn't figured out the importance of hanging onto our bliss yet. Steve would naturally follow me under the current, leaving both of us flailing for air.
I don't always know how to adequately write on the ways in which my being/doing/acting; is what steers our life. Steve's so heavily dependent upon me, and our connection is one where when I feel, he feels (when he feels, I feel), and when I respond to those waves in a way leaving us vulnerable to being taken under, Steve follows.
The waves will still come, of course, because that's life; the ocean doesn't stop moving. I'll just put in the work to aim for riding those waves, instead of letting them crash on top of me.
How do you follow that?
For starters, thank y'all for your response to yesterdays blog! It's daunting almost to ever write another one again after the response you gave me. ;) Alas, here I am sitting in my trusty writing nook. Many of you may have figured out by now, writing is how I process and heal. Everything that gets written here was scribbled frantically in a journal loosely woven together prior to making it on screen. You also may know, I mostly write in the present, so my blog goes in whatever direction the moon is taking me that day.
Yesterday's blog is a rare exception, because I had been sitting on those words, for sometime, until Friday I finally broke through and was able to finally sit in front of them again, and edit. I almost had a fear, that if I wrote about it anymore, some of the walls we broke through recently, would build again. It's one of my superstitions, that I carry around, much like why I won't answer the questions to how Steve is, with a direct, he's great/good/positive/ etc, I usually dance around it.
Fear is another one of those real feelings I tend to shove somewhere it doesn't belong just for it to bubble over when the heat gets turned up. It's safe to say, I'll be processing the many lessons of 2016 probably the rest of 2017; there's so much to absorb and assimilate. Fear is an odd emotion, because sometimes it's there to show us something; perhaps to alert us to true danger, or to show us we are on the right path (sometimes really huge progress in life is scary). Other times it's there to test us, "Okay you, how dedicated are you really to following this dream of yours?" Then there are the other times where it's just fabricated in your mind, and it's a huge waste of time.
The problem with shoving feelings away before you process them, is that they will never truly "go away" UNTIL you process them. There will always be something that brings them back up to the surface, until you face them. Once you sit with them, and tear apart the many layers they hold, often times you find the most beautiful gifts. How many times can you look back upon a time you faced a really big fear, and how incredible you felt after?
Finally writing that blog yesterday, feels like I released myself. I know I'm often very forthcoming on ways in which I would blow up on Steve; and I have found little fear in sharing that. However, the 'why' terrified me. After hitting save and publish, I instantly felt a sense of ease, and each comment I read lifted me higher and higher. So thank you. I hope now that I have some more followers I can continue to share the real, raw, and authentic; and not suck. ;)
While you're on here today reading the blog, hope on over to the shop. I finally got the energy/time to make some new listings! Just when the well ran dry, this one being the bank well of sorts. Remember for every painting I sell, I will gift one to a caregiver. To nominate email me! So thankful for the opportunity to create and the amazing joy it brings me. Your support makes this life amazing! xox
Real life is what's important
I debated whether to share this in a blog, save it for my book, or simply keep it to myself. After thinking about it a few days, and talking it over with Steve, here it is.
As a caregiver, I found myself struggling with, "How do I address my needs from a relationship standpoint with Steve, when he's fighting for his life." Half of me would think, "Okay Hope shove this inside," and the other half, is just unable to fake anything in life, and would end up with little outbursts of true feelings coming out.
Of course this internal back and forth went on for some time, but always my truth would come out, whether in frustration with Steve needing me, to frustration for others needing me. Here's the truth, I was struggling with having a husband who had too little energy for a chat, or to have conversations at all aside from him communicating things he needed from me; but I would see him have energy to scroll through TV or chat with strangers on his sports sites.
If you've followed Steve and I long enough, spent more than just a few hours a year with us, watched our documentary, or even know a little about relationships; you probably already know that we aren't what appears to others on the outside, that perfect love story. Yes, we are my favorite love story, and some days we are that love and joy people see so much of from us; but other days we are screams, tears, and mean words; quickly coming to beg for forgiveness. We love hard, and cut deep because we know how. No matter where we stand that day, however, I still show up. So not hashing out what is truly bothering me, and brushing it off, as frustrations of the day, led to this.
I began resenting Steve for needing me.
Before y'all starting throwing the "Bitch" word at me, let me say this. Yes, Iwhile 've struggled for over a year with thinking, "I am a bitch he can't help but need me, what's wrong with me?"
What was wrong with me, was I was trying to shove all that was bothering me in; so deep into my soul, to the point where it effected my very being. My technique of ignoring my needs, struggles; hoping they would disappear led to this.
A month ago, I reached my explosion. Where I just let Steve have it all, all that I had been hiding deep down. I basically said, "I could leave right now and not look back, if I didn't feel so committed to you."
Yeah yeah, I know that B word is coming up again for y'all, trust me I'm there with you.
We are at a point in our world where we can no longer pretend everything's perfect. True in the end things turn out okay, and holding onto that feeling helps; but it doesn't stop you from having to address what's not okay in this moment.
Recognizing that gives us permission to speak our truths, and makes the really hard things in life work and mold into something epic.
If it's not a challenge, there's a chance it's not real. It's either not your real path, real feelings, real life. I don't want to participate in the "fake" anymore. I deeply love Steve, and it's that love, that pulls us through the rocky times. I know my taking care of Steve is much bigger than Steve or myself at this point, and I also know that moments of being deeply unhappy, are there to show us something. Not to try to hide in the depths of our being.
Just as Steve and I constantly fuel up to warrior on against ALS, we also do it for our love, and despite whatever dark we go through, we won't stop heading to that light. The very amazing Martin Luther King Jr. said it best, "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light an do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
Now cracked wide open for Steve to see all of it, light can get in, to heal what I've been putting off for too long. It can heal me, it can heal Steve (let's be honest I've been making him feel like a burden, because I resented him for too long), and it can heal us.
Ignoring the problem, doesn't make it go away, it makes it messy. So here we are in our mess. It's a beautiful mess though, one that is bringing us lessons we need. Which is why I know it's important, and this blog is important. Because it's real.
Real life is what's important.