sweet devotion....

Watching the sun lowering behind the trees, feeling the breeze blowing through my hair, and hearing the birds serenade me; I sit outside to soak up this gift of a January 70 degree day.  It was one where garden drawing and soil learning took priority to blog/book writing; but alas here I am, showing up. :)

Devotion: The love, loyalty, or enthusiasm for a person, place, or thing.  

Often times when people hear the word devotion they think of: relationships or spirituality; which is really the only place I ever had such a space for showing up.  It's only recent that I've been able to cultivate the same devotion for all of my life.  It took understanding that, without action, none of my goals or hopes for my life will ever come into fruition.  In order to find my way to show up everyday, I had to find devotion. 

At first, I felt silly to consider applying such a beautiful thing, like devotion, to simple tasks, like blogging daily, studying, or creative pursuit; but now I feel silly to ever think not to.  Without anything to ground me in a routine/ritual, I found easy excuses not to show up.  For instance today, I would have easily skipped sitting down to write this blog, because my time outside was too enjoyable.  

Devotion, helps me realize that as easy as it is to make an excuse, it's just as easy to pick up my laptop and take it outside to write. It really is that simple.  

If you are finding it hard to show up for yourself, or someone else in any capacity; find the devotion.  The definition itself guides you how.  Love.  It's all about love.  My hopes, desires, and really me; I deserve my devotion as much as Steve and God do.  

I would love to hear from y'all!  What areas do you need to find more devotion in?  Have you recently discovered this same thing?  If so, where were you needing to show up?  

Love you all-happy weekend-see you Monday. <3

xox

Bird and Paint Medicine

I finally got into the studio to paint, hence why this blog is a little later today.  I had been craving a day of paint medicine.  I walked into discovering a bird had passed away in my shed. To think that bee I put outside yesterday survived, and today I loose an animal.  I of course cried, and gave the bird a proper burial and prayed it to be in peace.  There are feathers in the painting, I found the babe on; which I will be keeping, and keeping the feathers there to honor it.  

I ended up having a rather lovely painting afternoon after that, it was good to release some emotions I had building up with that cry, and painting always brings me back to joy.  I was thinking about how artists, have these moments where they don't do anything, but follow inspiration.  When it's nice that's me wandering around in the trees or flowers, getting grounded.  In winter, it's strolling through the house allowing the many spaces in my house to inspire me.  It's spending hours watching birds and squirrels and wind, sunlight shows to really reconnect me to natures flow.  

Today's paint session truly felt like the bird was giving me some love and peace, in return for asking some for it; in that it gave back to me a lovely afternoon of Steve resting comfortably and peacefully and me being able to splash colors on whatever was in my path.  

If you're an artist, and you've beaten yourself up for spending too much time starring at a flower, or a piece of art on your wall, or the way the sun dances in the wind; don't.  It's a beautiful part of you, that helps you connect with all that's ready to come out and shine light on the world.  

That bee was speaking to me.

I struggled with something today, that to some it may appear silly.  A bumble bee came and landed on my altar recently, and it hadn't moved in some time, that I assumed it had passed over, and was just looking for a spot to do it.  It was a really powerful symbolic message, and if you've ever read any of the book, Animal Speaks by Ted Andrews, I'm sure you've gotten similar animal messengers. 

Today I noticed this beautiful being moved, and at first glance I thought, "Oh it fell over." Then watching closely I noticed the slightest movement.  Instantly my human instinct to kill the bee, kicked in.  The thought of, "It's suffering I have to put it out of it's misery right," but something stopped me.

Steve, without knowing it stopped me.  If you've followed my blog these past 5 years, you know I will run she wolf on anyone who suggests, "It's time you let Steve go," usually in reference of he's suffering, let him cross over.  These innocent strangers of course don't "intend" to hurt me to my core, with these words, but the truth is they do.  I don't know if I've really looked too much into it, besides my ever common response of, "Don't take away how beautiful it is that Steve gets to choose how far he goes on this ALS journey."  

This bee today showed me something a little deeper and significantly more meaningful.  I believe that bee, just like Steve could decide to let go.  Something felt very powerful in that this bee was choosing to sit with it's suffering, as Steve does as well.  Because on the other side of whatever suffering there may be, is something beautiful coming or by simply sitting and being in suffering you are helping others.  

Now of course, don't take this to the extreme end (reference blog yesterday on how extremism will trip you up), and think that means you don't help animals you see abandoned, or you don't get upset at mistreatment of an animal or another person.  Yes, there are times you step in, and you stop.

This is a different level, this is bigger than you, me, or that person/being suffering.  This is about what them experiencing their suffering for us to to see, does for us.  Us in this example is the collective. What this suffering is bringing to them, what light is on the other side, and what it teaches us about sitting in our discomfort; whatever it may be.  For this little bee, today it was to be carried outside to allow nature to take it's course.  If I see this thing barely hanging on for life after being in it's own habitat sure maybe then I'll do my "kindness", but this one doesn't feel up to me.  

Stepping off the ping pong table.

Here I sit at my favorite writing nook, with my antique desk and tea cup succulents; typing, and hitting delete on repeat, it's not that uncommon for blog time.  With a constant distraction with seeing a squirrel scurry up a tree or a clump of birds come flying in for feeding. The window I sit at is like having a front seat to a nature show. I sit and try to recall the well written blog I wrote in my mind last night, as I laid curled up in bed perfectly sandwiched between pups; my mind draws a blank.

Tracking the number of species of birds, I've seen thus far, so I can tell Steve when hes up, trying to get down my breakfast I've managed to have for 13 days in a row, and watching the clock to assure I have everything ready for this morning's wound care are occupying my mind more than words.  

Suddenly, my phone pings at me, "Did you take your vitamins?" I click check, going in to the app, to make sure I check breakfast and morning routine off the list.  Yep, I'm working on building healthy habits. 

Finally stopping the ping pong game I'm playing with myself, I am understanding that despite years of people telling me, I can't hold contradictory behaviors, beliefs, feelings, etc. I actually can hold whatever contradictions that serve me that I want.  

It doesn't have to be one or the other, or all or nothing; despite what people tell you.  It just has to be what balance works for you.   I would read an article saying "structure" creates the happiest people and think, "Okay that's it, everything is on a schedule."  Of course, that doesn't work, so then I would go to the other end, "F this, it's all about FREEDOM!!"  Realizing soon enough that didn't work either, I would go back and forth between extremes, always left analyzing why it didn't work again on this side of the table. 

I know I'm not alone in this, because a blog I wrote while right in the middle of the ping pong match, talking about how I was letting go of my extreme need for freedom and I was jumping on the structure side; got a lot of responses.  Lots of, "Girl, you just described my personality to a T." Now that I've stepped off the table, and can take a look I thought 'damn, how many areas in my life a I really playing ping pong with?'  

It's such an easy trap to fall into.  It's set up for us perfectly, so many people sharing things that work for them and their lives, and suddenly we think, "That's what I've been waiting for, I will follow that and find my happy place."  This mostly never ending with the results we want, and why?  It helped this person writing it so much, why not me?

It's simple.  It's not my life they are applying whatever works for them to, it's theirs.  No one is going to know what works for me, other than me.  So why was I out here seeking my truths from all these other people, when I had the answers inside all along?  Lord alone knows the answer to that one; but a large part of what it comes down to is learning to SHUT IT ALL OUT.

For even just a day, shut it out and ask YOURSELF what you need.  Here's how I have come to find if it's time to do a little shutting out.  If I read an article, blog, or listen to a podcast; because even if I'm no longer seeking how to live my life advice I still find myself deeply inspired by others who share their stories, and I can absorb this article, without feeling like I have to take on this person's life as my own; I'm in balance.  Much like my handy app, I can add the check.  

However, if I sit after reading another person's words, and feel, "Ugh I'm useless, I should be living my life like her." Sound the alarm, because something is NOT lining up here.  

This doesn't mean, I'm saying, you can't ask friends or teachers for advice, or you can never get an idea from someone else; of course not because that's an extreme thought (what I'm steering away from here).  It means, sure take whatever anyone gives you, and see if it fits, if not adapt it HOWEVER works for you.  Just don't forget you have the final say on finding what works for you.  You don't have to live other people's lives to have success or happiness; you simply have to live yours. 

Ramblings from within...

I had two mind ramblings come to me this weekend, I wanted to share for this blog. 

First this, "You can't possibly absorb all that's going on around us, it's too much.  To try to hold onto all of it, will kill your power to act on any of it." 

Second this, "Even though most may not know it, everyone has the capacity to be an empath.  If you find yourself having to distract yourself from the world's problems because it overwhelms you, it doesn't make you a bad person.  Feeling powerless by what's going on in our world, and feeling that overwhelm, means you're feeling true empathy. Now the only way to take that overwhelm and turn it into power, is to realize you can only do one thing at a time; and the first of those things must be, getting you grounded and ready."

One of the patterns, I'm currently in the process of untangling myself from it's grips; is to feel like I have to fix everything at once/care about everyone at one/do everything at once.  If you've read any of my blogs since me being back, you know this isn't the first time I've written on this.  There's really only one reason it's a subject I keep coming back to; and it's that it held me back for close to a year.  I literally couldn't put one foot in front of the other, some days.  Of course, most people would never know that, because even if I blog my heart out to everyone, people still perceive me as a warrior.

I want to add this, because it's important, people seeing me that way isn't a negative thing.  People seeing me as a warrior even on days I can't function, helps me get back to that space. I want to acknowledge, that having a group of people holding space for me, and seeing me whole; is everything to me.   

Here's why you may see me step back often, because, what lead to my demise was wanting to solve too much; from standing rock, to the election, to ALS patients and caregivers who needed help, Syria, Aleppo, innocent black lives being taken, the climate, STEVE, Steve, Steve,.... You can see why there wasn't any room for me.  For years, I lived in a life where I was told by anyone I happened to be dating at that time, that putting myself first made me selfish or needy.  

Well, guess what?  I'm married to a truly incredible man, who would never put that kind of shit on me.  He knows if I didn't drop it all, but him and I, and really get me in focus on this picture, we wouldn't be able to do this anymore.

 So if it seems to you on the outside, like maybe I stopped caring.  I promise I didn't, I never will. I just had to start seeing myself first.  It took so much to get here, and I can't say it's a stable force yet, which is why anytime I begin to get extra sensitive on the internet, I HAVE to step away.  If this resonates in any way with you, and you're feeling a little TOO much of it all, maybe it's time to do a little disconnecting.  

Action is needed, but if it's from a place I was in a few months ago, it won't be any kind of action that will truly make an impact.  

Hello distraction, always good to see you...or is it?

Today, as I try to distract myself from the discomfort I feel, about the threat of winter weather in the south; a clear habit that I would like to let go of showed itself.  It's been a minute since I've gotten into one of those facebook discussions, that aren't discussions, more just typing at one another; but here I sat today engaging in it.

There's a wise quote, "Not everything deserves your attention," that I like to use as a mantra on a regular while using social media.  Social media unnerves me, in a way where people see your interactions and maybe read a blog or two, and they assume they know you.  It's also a valuable tool.  Not just in the way that it helps me connect to others and build community, but it also is the gentle nudge when I'm off balance.  IE: Participating in a conversation that to me isn't a positive use of my time.  Today, while it was an innocent exchange, the truth is I should have been using the time elsewhere. 

I really want to cultivate habits that support my goals, and spend my energy on actions that are aligned with purpose, and that requires me being able to call myself out when I am falling into distraction.  

For those interested in the winter weather; Atlanta (we live in the burbs) just doesn't handle winter weather well.  I'm sure most already know this from the several times we've ended up in the news with people stranded, roads unmanageable (not a whole lot of tax dollars being spent on salt and plow trucks), and power outages.  So how does that affect us hermit-ted away in our nice little corner?  We heavily rely on power (ventilator & 02), so the chance of it going out of course stirs a little anxiety in me.

Of course, in Steve's situations of panic attacks, it's important to help him come out of living in that feeling so intensely; but in mine the anxiety is actually there to serve a purpose.  Instead of just finding a distraction or a happy pill, to numb it, it calls for action, to assure we are prepared.  So with that, we have a small generator (2-3 hours depending on wattage use), 6 hours total battery on Steve's vents, a half tank of gas in our car with a converter plug that can charge; along with 5 O2 tanks with roughly 2-2.5 hours in each.  

Now that I'm prepared, and as the weather starts, it's time to show up for myself.  To trust God and the universe to protect us, and trust in myself to be able to problem solve and act if needed.  I will be on social media this weekend to keep everyone in the loop on our winter weather adventure, but once we are in the clear; it is time for my new years break.  Don't worry the blog is back to stay, it's one that is feeling very well aligned. :)