My clear insight is reflected in my outer sight.

"My clear insight is reflected in my outer sight."  This is my mantra for the time being.  

Clarity in the world, is greatly dependent upon what eyes you are seeing the world through. Often, we don't realize how much we are shaping our realities.  We assume the world is just happening around us; but really our perceptions of what's happening and then our reactions really do shape a lot of our reality.

I don't think it's until this kind of understanding of life happens, do we even sit and think; "Wow I made that be what it is," about a lot of significant things in our lives.  Once you adopt this understanding of life, you will see almost every situation differently than before.  

I don't know how other people choose to utilize this kind of information, but for me now I find myself sitting in meditation, suddenly seeing something clearly.  It's a large part of the reason I have such a consistent mediation practice, is because not only does it help ground me, and teach me to find my still space; but it reveals me to myself.  

If I'm looking at a situation with truth, I will see it differently than with resentment.  If I see something with love vs hate, it can change the course of my entire life.  Nothing made this clearer, than observing how I respond to Steve.  On days where I looked at Steve with anything other than love (impatience, anger, resentment, bitterness; yes these all exist in my world), then I would see Steve not respecting my time, and then I would say something smart to him, while helping him; thus making him feel more of a burden on life, and often yes it would make him feel sick that day. 

Now I suppose to some of you this sounds ego driven to believe I have that kind of power over Steve's life, but if you have ever witnessed our world first hand and not just via a blog or social media; you will agree.  So I make it my life's mission everyday to see Steve out of a place of love.  Obviously I'm human, and I still make mistakes, but those mistakes offer lessons to lessen the frequency of mistakes; since being mindful of this process.  

My clear insight is reflected in my outer sight. 

With the falling of the leaves...

Sitting at my writing nook inside today, I look out at the crisp fall and can feel the chill as I watch the wind blow leaves to the ground.  With each crispy leaf, I see the branches that were once weighed down with overgrowth of green, raising towards the sky.  

The trees showing no signs of mourning the loss of their leaves, they appear more upright and sure of themselves.  Again allowing nature to be my muse; through observing the ways the trees, birds, squirrels, and flowers respond to what they are faced with each day, truly inspires my way of being.

This fall I've been reflecting on what I need to let go, like the trees.  This morning as I was watching the leaves blow in the wind I was able to see clearly.  I want to let go of the thought that I'm too much or too little of something to be who I want to be.  

Yesterday was a pivotal moment for me, I finally decided to hire someone to help me with some paperwork, insurance, administration, stuff I let pile up on me, stuff...

Several people had suggested to Steve and I that I need an assistant for a few hours a week to help with that stuff, but my stubborn self thought I could do it all; until I had mounds of excess admin stuff falling on me to finally accept that I needed the help.

Finally the realization that I needed to let go of the feeling that I have to do EVERYTHING will allow me to do the things I do the best that I can.  Admitting I need help, and finally accepting it, without it making me feel like I'm not enough.  That's my lesson for the fall.  As I am preparing to meet with my friend who will be my assistant, I'm excited.  I feel the same as the trees, and find myself rooting down and standing more upright.  

What are you releasing this fall?  Please share in the comments! :) 

Heady Heady, feeling heady baby *sing to the tune of Heavy from dream girls

Today after wound care, Steve was grimacing in pain and said his butt hurt.  After assuring the pad wasn't wrinkled and the bandage was on, we decided (more like I decided) it was time to play with the rotate feature on the bed.

Of course right away I realized I had understood the directions wrong, and it had him on his side too far, folded like a pretzel.  The minute I looked at his pained face, I immediately started panicking.  As I'm frivolously  pushing buttons, I have him suddenly flopping from one side of the bed to the other, with no solution in sight.

Suddenly as I'm yelling at the bed, I get the idea to hit the off button, which is supposed to "center patient" however it continued to push him to the side, and his face grew more and more panicked; which again had me pushing buttons.  Thankfully a friend is here spending the night, and after hearing a few "what the f's" flying out of my mouth, she came running in.  Her interruption alone brought me back down to the ground and together we helped situate Steve and after we all had a small giggle.

Of course, as I sat with Steve after I said, "Why the hell can't I just stay calm when things go wrong anymore?"   

He thoughtfully paused, and started typing on the tobii, "You know the answer already Hope, you're not grounded."

If you know me well enough, no matter what your beliefs are; you know I'm a heady person. I'm spiritually connected,  with ideas flowing non stop, always full of words, and often able to know things that will happen hours, days, sometimes weeks before they do. This isn't the problem though.  The problem is that while I have become comfortable with the heady side of myself; I have yet to master the grounding.  

I've been meditating consistently for close to 3 years now, and while I have obviously grown in astronomical ways, it's the pause to plant my feet firmly on the ground while in stressful situations, that I have no grasp on.  

In case I haven't made this clear in the past 5 years, let me say it again; it takes a lot to keep me on the sane side of the ever moving line.  That line I speak of is the sanity/insanity line.  My practice has really helped me stay sane, and fully be able to sit in some of the chaos around me; and since my Ayurveda training, I've shifted my focus of my practice to helping me ground.  I eat grounding foods, use grounding smells, etc; but still when the going gets tough; I lift my feet off the ground and start flying around.

My friend who helped today said, that it was like I was an insect just jumping and flying around trying to solve the problem.  People can see it, I'm 100% in my head.

If you follow my blog closely you will see on Sunday, I handled a crisis with both feet on the ground. I wrote a blog on it because it felt similar to how I always pictured I would feel receiving my noble peace prize; today however, that response was no where in reach.  So why am I so in-congruent? 

I don't have an answer to that.  I just have the knowledge that I am, and the knowledge of what to work on.  There is a comfort in that, and I hold on to that for dear life; because it's not productive for me to beat myself up for the panic response.  

Take me (them) off the pedestal

My number one intention with things that I put out in the universe; whether it be my art or my writing, is that I want it to make people feel something.  With that said, I do put in the work on my end to make sure the feeling I invoke is a positive one. I don't want to put out any more negative in our world; but that doesn't mean I don't feel it. 

This isn't the first time I've written about this.  Today while sitting and doing meditating I was sitting with what I was feeling this morning; which mostly to be honest was annoyed.  So often you all see me on the other side of any negative emotion, because I do believe that it's our own personal choice how long we spend in these feelings.  

I tend to do more journal work when I'm feeling this way, because I never want to put my annoyance on to someone else.  I already do it to Steve often without intending to, since we feel each other's feelings so much; I don't want to do it to all of you reading this.

However, as of late I'm feeling called to show more of the real, so here I am writing a blog while still feeling a little annoyed.  I sure as hell don't intend to stay here, and did work a lot of it out on the mat and cushion; and the rest will be taken out on dust bunnies & dog hair piles.  I am mainly sharing this, as I cringe with every comment on how selfless I am, or how amazing, etc.  I don't know if it's because I know I am as selfish as they come, and that yes I have my amazing moments, but also not so amazing; or if it's because often I see these people comparing themselves to me.

Then I'm put on a pedestal, that I don't belong on.  When you're comparing yourself to me just know that mostly the only difference between you and I, is that I work through the anger/annoyance/bitter/jealous/etc mostly with myself and not with a facebook post (anymore).  I still complain that I had to stay up past my bedtime for a baseball game, that suddenly mattered to Steve.  I complain about how people focus on things that to me don't matter as much as...say our planet.  I complain about that nurse that made that error, still, to whoever is at the house listening to me.    

I'm not perfect, and I hope this blog allows you to take me off that pedestal, and bring me back down to your level.  I'm on the same level as you, and if you think anything about me is amazing, it's because you have that in you as well.  Just don't forget the not so "om" like characteristics, they are still there too.  

In my journal I have a list of things to write on, but to me I feel like this might be the most important blog I could ever write.  It's not because I am on thousands of different pedestals, but because we all have someone up on one; when they don't belong there.  In this social media world, it's easy to feel like we aren't enough compared to someone else.  We aren't thoughtful enough, smart enough, pretty enough, doing enough, talented enough, ....

If you can learn anything from me it's this; you are enough.  Your are amazing. You are capable. YOU are important.  Put that focus on you, and not comparing you to someone else; and watch how much you will soar.    I promise even Beyonce has moments of feeling like she doesn't compare, but I assure you she works through that and that's how she produces magic.  What magic are you blocking?  I know you have it in you, and I can't wait to see what it is! 

Because "Are you F*ing kidding me," isn't punchy enough.

I have found there are only 3 responses that people can give me when I talk about our planet, climate change, pipelines, chemicals, etc.

 1. People love me for it. (Ya'all are my favorite :))

2. The 'Climate change would happen anyways, it has nothing to do with us,' people. (In my mind I hear, "eh taking care of the planet is too much work, too late to worry now.")

3. It's God's plan, do you know better than God? (Sigh.)

For months, I've been thinking of this blog, but all the words that could come to my mind would be, "Are you F*ing kidding me?" Except I really use the F word, which despite it being Steve's & my favorite word, it might give my momma a heart attack; so clearly, I had to work through my emotions to write something Mom friendly & really something worth reading at all. 

I struggled with words, until yesterday; It just came to me.  I've tried to edit to make this so punch worthy it sets everyone in their place, but truth is, the response isn't even for them. Those that don't believe it's important to take care of our planet sure as hell won't change their minds because of me.  It will sadly take someone close to them being struck with an illness due to chemical exposure, or a natural disaster to wake them up.

So for my benefit and those who care: 

When I drink my coffee in the mornings, I'm often struck with that overwhelming feeling of privilege.  Do you know how many people go without clean water in our world?  Would it be more punchy if I had some statistic, that let's be honest probably doesn't include everyone? Sure, maybe it would, but to me the fact that ANYONE has to go without clean water, without food because they have no water or resources to even grow their own, without clean air, because our consumerism is polluting our air; is enough for me to think we need to change.  I have found that unless people are directly impacted by something, they don't give it a second thought.  I'm not trying to sound judgmental here, while maybe I am judging; because I can't understand that separation.

This is where I then struggle, when people suggest it's God's plan.  Look I understand there is a certain peace and beauty to accepting what life brings you, no matter what it is.  I understand that I myself can't fix all these problems for everyone else, and for them to consume so much of my thoughts seems silly to some.  However, something else I understand clearer than the water pouring from my faucet is this; I don't have passions lighting my soul in vein.  God wouldn't put something on my heart, if there wasn't something that could be done.  I often think to myself one day I'm going to meet God and he's going to say, "So often I wanted to come down and tell humans, 'Hey, that's not what I meant, that way you interpreted that quote.'"

There's no way God would have it in his way that we have become so disrespectful of our planet.  The way you treat the Earth you live on is a direct reflection on how you treat others and yourself.  Don't believe me?  While I was at the hospital this last trip, I observed someone in the parking lot, that was visiting family I assume, throw their garbage out of their car window.  After they were out of sight I went to pick up the garbage, and made a mental note of that person.  Two days later I saw them waiting for the elevator; and as it came this person pushed past myself and an older lady to get on first, because of course the behaviors matched.  Sure this is one example, but if you pay close attention the line of respect is very thin. 

The reason I care about this started when I was a young girl, and I'm currently writing this part of my story for my book, so I will save the details; but reading scientific proof that illnesses like ALS CAN be linked to pesticides and other chemicals, just sealed it in for me. This is one of my life's purposes is to try to remind people; we can do better.  This isn't going against God's will, and it's certainly not accepting that it would have happened anyways.  If you actually looked at the facts being presented by true scientist and not just politicians bought out by the fossil fuel industry; you could really see how much damage we have done.

Truth is, that we are in a small window where we CAN actually do something.  So many people look at the issue and throw their hands up.  It's another example of why I need to put together my "be like Steve" blog.  To draw a comparison: For those of you who feel like the damage is too far, and there's nothing we can do; that would be like Steve saying, ALS has done too much I can't go on.

Does he say that? NEVER.  Not even in his worst moments.  If he can dig deep for this life, why can't we all do at least one thing to make it better for EVERYONE?  We are all capable of making a change, and I hope that alone helps empower you to be a part of the shift towards the positive.  I'll leave it at this; if knowing you can make a difference, doesn't motivate you to do so, then I don't know what to say to you.  

Happy THANKSvember

Happy November, or as a professor 11 years ago, introduced me to, Happy THANKSvember. :)

For 11 years now I have done my best to offer some gratitude for at least one thing a day for this entire month.  The past few years I've attempted to have a gratitude hour everyday, no matter what month it is, and I have to tell you, on days where I actually pause for some appreciation, are days where I feel happier.

There's been a shift happening this year, and if you're tuned in, I'm sure you've felt it.  I would like to consider it an awakening of sorts.  We are being revealed many truths about our world, some great awe-inspiring, and some disheartening truths.  Either way, I have found in this awakening that it is those who have any ritual, who have been able to ride the wave to the paradise island vs those who don't and remain stuck in the same place.

If you don't have any daily rituals yet, maybe one to consider would be, a pause for gratitude. You can do this in 10 seconds, seriously; so the excuse of I'm too busy, doesn't apply here.  It's simple, all you do is pause and say silently, out loud, a status, a prayer, a journal entry; whatever you want here, and say what you are thankful for that day. 

I'm here to tell you, that those in the toughest situations still find something to be thankful for everyday, and if they can; so can you.  When I said Happy Thanksvember to Steve today, with tears left over from his morning's clean up, he typed, "I'm thankful for this bed, and that I can lay comfortably with the doors open enjoying the birds and squirrels and this awesome weather." 

I plan to write a blog titled, "Be like Steve," this week, because truthfully I live by the motto in almost all areas of my life.  This is one small example, even after experiencing discomfort and pain, he finds the light in this life.  I'll leave you with one final truth, to sum this whole blog up.  The truth is, the light is ALWAYS there, if you CHOOSE to find it.  It's your choice.