First action, then prayer.
I've been sharing with you all my recent journey to feel life, even the hard stuff. To really face it, sit in it, and come out the other side.
Yesterday I couldn't figure out "how to sit" with all that was going on around me. Between things with Steve and the world I was feeling too much. In conversation there have been several people (who I won't call out on the blog), tell me "Give it to God and let it go," or the popular, "Give it light and love and let it go."
So sure, there is a time and a place for these phrases. However, I feel like there's been a lot of giving it to God and not a lot of action. We need action. I understand I'm limited with what I can do in our situation and that trying to take on too much is useless because it will lead to burn out and frustration.
For whatever reason people like to read what I write in different forums, and for that it makes me feel like this is my call to action. To use my voice to speak out for what I believe in. If we all used whatever skills we had to bring action and change instead of just giving it to God, we can make a much bigger difference. Interestingly enough the Dali Lama talked about it yesterday. He said, "Real change comes through action....then on top of that some prayer."
This is how I imagine God when he hears prayer and sees very little action. (note:I'm not quoting or suggesting by any means I know what God thinks, just making a point.)
Insert prayer for planet/country/violence.
God, "I would love to help you dear ones, just as soon as you all learn to help yourselves."
In my mind I feel like it is OUR responsibility as humans to solve problems we've created. What can we do? I've been doing some serious brain storming on what I can do, and the best I've come up with is to write about it. So I will be over the next several days, in hopes that it can inspire those WHO can, to DO. Most of us are capable of doing SOMETHING to help.
Here's one thought I will leave you with and will blog about this subject a little more in depth the next couple days. I keep thinking about the saying, "Hurt people, hurt people." Are we reaching out to those hurting around us? There's so many stories and different speculations about why this man decided to shoot 50 people and injure many more; and from what I can see is that he was a hurt person, who decided to hurt other people to try to stop the hurt.
If you see someone hurting. Talk to them, hear them, send them love. The more we try to connect with one another the more we can try to eliminate the hate, the pain, and the senseless violence. I know my time is limited and I don't have it to put on my therapist cap for everyone I come in contact with, but if I listen to just one hurting person, and can help them feel loved and come back to love; I've done enough. We don't have to think about helping everyone, because only one person did this crime this past weekend. If someone had gotten to talk to him where would we be today?
Where do you feel called to action? Share with me if you're feeling it.
I love you all. xo
Yesterday I couldn't figure out "how to sit" with all that was going on around me. Between things with Steve and the world I was feeling too much. In conversation there have been several people (who I won't call out on the blog), tell me "Give it to God and let it go," or the popular, "Give it light and love and let it go."
So sure, there is a time and a place for these phrases. However, I feel like there's been a lot of giving it to God and not a lot of action. We need action. I understand I'm limited with what I can do in our situation and that trying to take on too much is useless because it will lead to burn out and frustration.
For whatever reason people like to read what I write in different forums, and for that it makes me feel like this is my call to action. To use my voice to speak out for what I believe in. If we all used whatever skills we had to bring action and change instead of just giving it to God, we can make a much bigger difference. Interestingly enough the Dali Lama talked about it yesterday. He said, "Real change comes through action....then on top of that some prayer."
This is how I imagine God when he hears prayer and sees very little action. (note:I'm not quoting or suggesting by any means I know what God thinks, just making a point.)
Insert prayer for planet/country/violence.
God, "I would love to help you dear ones, just as soon as you all learn to help yourselves."
In my mind I feel like it is OUR responsibility as humans to solve problems we've created. What can we do? I've been doing some serious brain storming on what I can do, and the best I've come up with is to write about it. So I will be over the next several days, in hopes that it can inspire those WHO can, to DO. Most of us are capable of doing SOMETHING to help.
Here's one thought I will leave you with and will blog about this subject a little more in depth the next couple days. I keep thinking about the saying, "Hurt people, hurt people." Are we reaching out to those hurting around us? There's so many stories and different speculations about why this man decided to shoot 50 people and injure many more; and from what I can see is that he was a hurt person, who decided to hurt other people to try to stop the hurt.
If you see someone hurting. Talk to them, hear them, send them love. The more we try to connect with one another the more we can try to eliminate the hate, the pain, and the senseless violence. I know my time is limited and I don't have it to put on my therapist cap for everyone I come in contact with, but if I listen to just one hurting person, and can help them feel loved and come back to love; I've done enough. We don't have to think about helping everyone, because only one person did this crime this past weekend. If someone had gotten to talk to him where would we be today?
Where do you feel called to action? Share with me if you're feeling it.
I love you all. xo
Love really is the answer
Okay i'll be honest my emotions are all over the place today. Between the journey we've been on with Steve the past few months and the Orlando tragedy yesterday, I can't think of anything more important to write about than love.
Love after all is what fuels me on days like today where I'm getting ready to do our 2 hour bath/wound care/positioning with Steve in 30 minutes. How am I going to do it my weary mind thinks? The answer is love.
The only answer I have to the massive amount of hate that was shown in this Orlando tragedy is to show more love. I have always wanted to leave a positive impact on people I come in contact with, but truth be told it's those out there that don't see love that I need to reach. Those that are full of hate, anger, hurt, or whatever it is; those are the people I want to reach. Those are the people we NEED to reach. If I could help one person who feels nothing but hatred and anger to feel love, and to give love. Then i'll be making the impact I want on the world.
That's what I want. I want to reach those who are so far to the dark side, they think what they did was okay. I don't have to understand why they think it's okay even, I just have to show them that LOVE really is what the answer is. Love is the only thing that will fix all the madness going on in the world.
So today I am going to do the only thing I know how to do, I am going to take some time out of my day and send out love. I will send it to every family member who lost someone in this senseless act, to every single person in the club that night, to their friends and family, to the whole LGBT community, to our whole world, and yes; even to the man who did this hate crime. Because clearly he needs love.
Show everyone you meet love, and allow it to fuel you. Let's be the difference we need in this country. No more pointing fingers as to who was in the wrong; we already know the answers to that. Let's make it stop already. No more violence, no more senseless tragedies, no more hate. ONLY LOVE.
Love will find a way. <3
Love after all is what fuels me on days like today where I'm getting ready to do our 2 hour bath/wound care/positioning with Steve in 30 minutes. How am I going to do it my weary mind thinks? The answer is love.
The only answer I have to the massive amount of hate that was shown in this Orlando tragedy is to show more love. I have always wanted to leave a positive impact on people I come in contact with, but truth be told it's those out there that don't see love that I need to reach. Those that are full of hate, anger, hurt, or whatever it is; those are the people I want to reach. Those are the people we NEED to reach. If I could help one person who feels nothing but hatred and anger to feel love, and to give love. Then i'll be making the impact I want on the world.
That's what I want. I want to reach those who are so far to the dark side, they think what they did was okay. I don't have to understand why they think it's okay even, I just have to show them that LOVE really is what the answer is. Love is the only thing that will fix all the madness going on in the world.
So today I am going to do the only thing I know how to do, I am going to take some time out of my day and send out love. I will send it to every family member who lost someone in this senseless act, to every single person in the club that night, to their friends and family, to the whole LGBT community, to our whole world, and yes; even to the man who did this hate crime. Because clearly he needs love.
Show everyone you meet love, and allow it to fuel you. Let's be the difference we need in this country. No more pointing fingers as to who was in the wrong; we already know the answers to that. Let's make it stop already. No more violence, no more senseless tragedies, no more hate. ONLY LOVE.
Love will find a way. <3
Inspiration.
in·spi·ra·tion
What a beautiful word with beautiful meaning.
I'd like to think we all want inspired lives. We all want those moments of inspired creativity in whatever area of work we do. The author is inspired to finish his book, painter, scientist, designer, creator, etc. We all draw sources of inspiration in our life. We make inspo boards to look at to draw ideas from, we hang pictures of our inspirations, we create spaces to seek inspiration from, surround ourselves with people who inspire us, follow their lives on the internet world, we watch the movies, listen to the songs, etc....
Then I read number 2. The drawing in of breath; inhalation. It makes me think of another interpretation of this; how often do we inspire ourselves? I know I draw a lot of inspiration from people around me, and one of my favorite compliments is when someone tells me I've inspired them. It's a moment where I can see me living my life out loud has positively impacted someone else's life. Don't we all want that? Of course, but what about inspiring ourselves? We take the beautiful gift of drawing in a breath, and we allow that to truly be inspiration.
Let me make this as simple as I can. The act of being able to draw in air into your own lungs without a machine is pretty damn inspirational. You have that ability. What a gift to be given. I don't know how often we think about it when we take in a breath, unless it's intentional; that this breath I'm breathing is inspired living. If we can all look at life this way think of the things we could do in our lives. Constantly inspired by the act of taking in a breath.
Let's live life more in awe. Inspired by things we easily take for granted. In case this isn't sinking in here are some simple examples: "I'm so inspired by my ability to move my legs, I think i'll go for a walk today." "I'm so inspired by my ability to see, I think i'll look deeply at EVERYTHING I see on my walk." I'm so inspired by my ability to breath, I think I'll write about it." "I'm so inspired by my ability to use my hands, I think I'll create with them."................
Every moment of this life can offer those beautiful moments of inspired living. Don't let that magic go. Don't forget that simply being able to breathe on your own, is inspiration enough to live your life the way you've always wanted to.
ˌinspəˈrāSH(ə)n/
noun
- 1.the process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something, especially to do something creative."Helen had one of her flashes of inspiration"
synonyms: creativity, inventiveness, innovation, ingenuity, genius, imagination, originality; More - 2.the drawing in of breath; inhalation.
What a beautiful word with beautiful meaning.
I'd like to think we all want inspired lives. We all want those moments of inspired creativity in whatever area of work we do. The author is inspired to finish his book, painter, scientist, designer, creator, etc. We all draw sources of inspiration in our life. We make inspo boards to look at to draw ideas from, we hang pictures of our inspirations, we create spaces to seek inspiration from, surround ourselves with people who inspire us, follow their lives on the internet world, we watch the movies, listen to the songs, etc....
Then I read number 2. The drawing in of breath; inhalation. It makes me think of another interpretation of this; how often do we inspire ourselves? I know I draw a lot of inspiration from people around me, and one of my favorite compliments is when someone tells me I've inspired them. It's a moment where I can see me living my life out loud has positively impacted someone else's life. Don't we all want that? Of course, but what about inspiring ourselves? We take the beautiful gift of drawing in a breath, and we allow that to truly be inspiration.
Let me make this as simple as I can. The act of being able to draw in air into your own lungs without a machine is pretty damn inspirational. You have that ability. What a gift to be given. I don't know how often we think about it when we take in a breath, unless it's intentional; that this breath I'm breathing is inspired living. If we can all look at life this way think of the things we could do in our lives. Constantly inspired by the act of taking in a breath.
Let's live life more in awe. Inspired by things we easily take for granted. In case this isn't sinking in here are some simple examples: "I'm so inspired by my ability to move my legs, I think i'll go for a walk today." "I'm so inspired by my ability to see, I think i'll look deeply at EVERYTHING I see on my walk." I'm so inspired by my ability to breath, I think I'll write about it." "I'm so inspired by my ability to use my hands, I think I'll create with them."................
Every moment of this life can offer those beautiful moments of inspired living. Don't let that magic go. Don't forget that simply being able to breathe on your own, is inspiration enough to live your life the way you've always wanted to.
This is for my cheer leading squad
Okay so I know I have been doing a lot of honest calling myself out lately, and there's a group of you, that I will now call my cheerleaders, who are worried that I'm not taking the time to reflect on the goodness I possess; while I find these areas of growth. So today, i'll blog on some strengths to assure you I am really quite good at giving myself praise. Truth is, I really wasn't good at looking at the shadows.
So, I will acknowledge that my job is one of the hardest in the world; it's devastating, exhausting, draining, challenging, and ever changing. The silver lining is that my paycheck is in form of kisses, snuggles, boopy surprises, and all around LOVE. I talk about Steve and I fighting, because I truly believe if we all would talk about the dark places, and actually face them and work them out, everyone can have a bond like Steve and I. What I don't talk about often on here is how much I love him, and how wonderful most of our days are, our team work, and connection; and I think the reason I do that is because we SHOW that more than talk about it.
One of the things I did when first stepping into this role was a little ceremony with myself where I asked God to help me learn and grow and become the best version of me during this. I had no idea what that would mean! Growth like this, that I wanted for my life, was something that couldn't come without facing challenges. Well, I knew I would be facing a lot of challenges beside Steve, and I wanted it to help me. Then I had the same ceremony with Steve. We set intentions for our bond to grow, our connection, love, understanding, strength...
Obviously, I will say, that making that choice, and being an active participant in this life, has served me (us) well. I am happy with who I am as person today. The reason I write about the dark stuff, is because in order to really become happy with who you are, you have to really accept all sides of you. Now that I see the dark I am also able to actively working on bringing them more to the light side. I do like to acknowledge my growth and strides I make, and I don't always share with others, unless you're in my immediate circle. So yes, here it is in writing, I know I am blessing Steve's life with being here for him everyday and all that goes with it. I know that I am growing and learning and changing, and making positive impacts. I'm so grateful for it!
The important side in that is that Steve's blessing my life equally. We are equals in this journey and if I will give myself some accolades he deserves them too. He equally wanted to grow and become stronger with this, if his mind wasn't the amazingly powerful machine that it is today, he wouldn't be able to do all he has to. Steve's list of ALS induced complications are too long to list here, but through it all he still remains the humble, sweet, loving, funny, strong, warrior he is. His energy is so limited today but he will still find time to chat with his other pALS needing Steve's encouragement, and still find ways to share this journey with you all, and shower me with love.
So yes I've grown, and I'm truly pleased with where I am. I will always have work to do, because I'm human; but most importantly I would like to thank Steve for growing with me. That's why we have made it where we are. We did it together. It's a beautiful journey and for those of you who might be afraid of facing a challenge with a loved one, don't let fear lead. It will be hard but if you go at this together with love, you both will be amazed with what life has to offer you.
Thank you all for reminding me to share with you, that yes I am light. For the record for y'all, so ARE YOU. xox
So, I will acknowledge that my job is one of the hardest in the world; it's devastating, exhausting, draining, challenging, and ever changing. The silver lining is that my paycheck is in form of kisses, snuggles, boopy surprises, and all around LOVE. I talk about Steve and I fighting, because I truly believe if we all would talk about the dark places, and actually face them and work them out, everyone can have a bond like Steve and I. What I don't talk about often on here is how much I love him, and how wonderful most of our days are, our team work, and connection; and I think the reason I do that is because we SHOW that more than talk about it.
One of the things I did when first stepping into this role was a little ceremony with myself where I asked God to help me learn and grow and become the best version of me during this. I had no idea what that would mean! Growth like this, that I wanted for my life, was something that couldn't come without facing challenges. Well, I knew I would be facing a lot of challenges beside Steve, and I wanted it to help me. Then I had the same ceremony with Steve. We set intentions for our bond to grow, our connection, love, understanding, strength...
Obviously, I will say, that making that choice, and being an active participant in this life, has served me (us) well. I am happy with who I am as person today. The reason I write about the dark stuff, is because in order to really become happy with who you are, you have to really accept all sides of you. Now that I see the dark I am also able to actively working on bringing them more to the light side. I do like to acknowledge my growth and strides I make, and I don't always share with others, unless you're in my immediate circle. So yes, here it is in writing, I know I am blessing Steve's life with being here for him everyday and all that goes with it. I know that I am growing and learning and changing, and making positive impacts. I'm so grateful for it!
The important side in that is that Steve's blessing my life equally. We are equals in this journey and if I will give myself some accolades he deserves them too. He equally wanted to grow and become stronger with this, if his mind wasn't the amazingly powerful machine that it is today, he wouldn't be able to do all he has to. Steve's list of ALS induced complications are too long to list here, but through it all he still remains the humble, sweet, loving, funny, strong, warrior he is. His energy is so limited today but he will still find time to chat with his other pALS needing Steve's encouragement, and still find ways to share this journey with you all, and shower me with love.
So yes I've grown, and I'm truly pleased with where I am. I will always have work to do, because I'm human; but most importantly I would like to thank Steve for growing with me. That's why we have made it where we are. We did it together. It's a beautiful journey and for those of you who might be afraid of facing a challenge with a loved one, don't let fear lead. It will be hard but if you go at this together with love, you both will be amazed with what life has to offer you.
Thank you all for reminding me to share with you, that yes I am light. For the record for y'all, so ARE YOU. xox
I have a confession...
I haven't really said anything on the internets about my not drinking this year. Mainly because I wasn't sure what it was. I just felt like I needed to stop drinking, but I mostly was using the reason, "My skins in rough shape, let's help my body by eliminating some things/foods and help my body deal with this intense amount of stress I take on each day."
Sure so I stopped dairy 100% also, but that was easy. So I call myself 97% vegan. I just love eggs, and free range chickens with beautiful lives bring me these babes, so they stay.
Still alcohol actually was easy also. I tried to quit smoking cigarettes maybe 200 times before I actually quit. I've never tried to stop drinking. I've had a relationship with alcohol before I was born, (no my mom didn't drink while pregnant), it's just in my family. I was so afraid of that little bit of cray that lives in my mom growing up. (Look I got it too, part of intentional living is owning all sides of you.) So I didn't drink much mostly growing up, because I couldn't ever lie to her, she always knew.
Until I met the older boy. We all know where it goes from there. Insert party girl phase. I won't go into detail here, trust me I share all kinds of not so flattering stories in my book. I loved parties, and loved alcohol, and it loved me. I've only gotten sick a few times, and a few of those were maybe because of some other things, and a few unfortunate me not know some other thing was in there moments.
Girlfriends are your biggest asset in college. How many times we all saved each other. So fast forward to becoming a drug and alcohol therapist. So that was interesting. Who knew an addicts daughter becoming a drug and alcohol therapist. How predictable. I won't down play my role in that job though, because I saved a lot of people's lives. There were a lot of lost souls deep into some heavy life threatening things/ and yes alcohol. Alcoholics who were on their death beds and still needing that bottle. Helping is what came natural, but even still I drank. I mean I have seen alcoholics in all shapes, sizes, colors, and tolerances; but never did I think I had any "problems" with alcohol, so I drank.
Okay fast forward to Steve & I's relationship with alcohol. If you've watched the documentary you know Steve & I already have an interesting relationship with alcohol (if you haven't plug, do so :)), so of course we loved bar nights. Sitting at the bar with our many drinks and packs of cigs just talking about everything there is to talk about. Steve and I were fun. I mean we are fun now, but it's a tame fun. We were wild. I like wild. I never wanted to loose it. So we just brought the party here. Everywhere we would go I would bring travel mugs of wine even the hospital), I would drink at least a bottle every night, smoking my last pack of cigarettes for the 3497th time and just unwinding; tipsy and pass out every night.
During these times, I was having fun, lots of people over, fun parties, socializing, etc....but was I being a good person? I mean I don't think I had started to get it. I was trying to, reading all the right words about how to be the person I wanted to be. How to lead with kindness and love and to be mindful of my feelings and behaviors, words, etc. Those are my ambitions in life, I don't think I was absorbing anything. My priorities then were to socialize with as many fun people as possible and keep the party and attention going for as long as possible.
Then comes the inevitable crash and burn that leads to the point of the story. Turns out drinking kind of fed into some not so flattering behaviors in me, that I just never wanted to admit. I would make excuses for my behaviors, "Oh I'm not being short tempered with Steve because I'm tipsy, it's just really stressful and he caught me at a bad moment."
I would rationalize this in my head, that it was justifiable to snap at a helpless man needing his full time care giving wife to help him with who knows what this time. It wasn't okay. I had to see it wasn't okay, and stop making excuses for myself before I could do anything. You know marriages obviously I'm not the only one who would cut or fight, Steve and I are good fighters. We are warriors it's just sort of in us. Learning to tame the beast is the biggest challenge for a warrior. There is always a time and place for that warrior in life, and snapping at a helpless man for something is NOT the time or place.
So yes, my 6 months without alcohol has given me a new understanding that I only recently admitted to myself and now I'm admitting it out loud. You might be wondering why? I wonder how many of us are looking at our dark sides? How many of us actually look at that not so flattering behavior? Then how many of us try to figure out why it's happening? And how many do the work?
I know I wasn't doing all the work. I wanted to be something that required work and commitment of me and I was spinning my wheels why nothing was working. It's because I wasn't actually do any work. I spent my nights sipping wine stalking free people peeps on insta, because in my mind that was my next challenge. I was so in-congruent and it was showing up all over the place.
Now could I have gotten to where I am today, feeling my wild side still having a place while taming the beast, without cutting out alcohol? Sure maybe. Am I suggesting everyone stop drinking? Nope. Certainly not. This is just me admitting that in MY journey it wasn't working, it took me 6 months of not drinking to actually admit it to myself. Will I ever drink again? I don't know. I often day dream of Steve and I sitting in Italy eating endless pasta (Yes even with gluten) and drinking loads of wine, so who knows. I just know right now, with what I want in our life, and where WE are. Alcohol just doesn't fit.
There I said it. In writing even.
Sure so I stopped dairy 100% also, but that was easy. So I call myself 97% vegan. I just love eggs, and free range chickens with beautiful lives bring me these babes, so they stay.
Still alcohol actually was easy also. I tried to quit smoking cigarettes maybe 200 times before I actually quit. I've never tried to stop drinking. I've had a relationship with alcohol before I was born, (no my mom didn't drink while pregnant), it's just in my family. I was so afraid of that little bit of cray that lives in my mom growing up. (Look I got it too, part of intentional living is owning all sides of you.) So I didn't drink much mostly growing up, because I couldn't ever lie to her, she always knew.
Until I met the older boy. We all know where it goes from there. Insert party girl phase. I won't go into detail here, trust me I share all kinds of not so flattering stories in my book. I loved parties, and loved alcohol, and it loved me. I've only gotten sick a few times, and a few of those were maybe because of some other things, and a few unfortunate me not know some other thing was in there moments.
Girlfriends are your biggest asset in college. How many times we all saved each other. So fast forward to becoming a drug and alcohol therapist. So that was interesting. Who knew an addicts daughter becoming a drug and alcohol therapist. How predictable. I won't down play my role in that job though, because I saved a lot of people's lives. There were a lot of lost souls deep into some heavy life threatening things/ and yes alcohol. Alcoholics who were on their death beds and still needing that bottle. Helping is what came natural, but even still I drank. I mean I have seen alcoholics in all shapes, sizes, colors, and tolerances; but never did I think I had any "problems" with alcohol, so I drank.
Okay fast forward to Steve & I's relationship with alcohol. If you've watched the documentary you know Steve & I already have an interesting relationship with alcohol (if you haven't plug, do so :)), so of course we loved bar nights. Sitting at the bar with our many drinks and packs of cigs just talking about everything there is to talk about. Steve and I were fun. I mean we are fun now, but it's a tame fun. We were wild. I like wild. I never wanted to loose it. So we just brought the party here. Everywhere we would go I would bring travel mugs of wine even the hospital), I would drink at least a bottle every night, smoking my last pack of cigarettes for the 3497th time and just unwinding; tipsy and pass out every night.
During these times, I was having fun, lots of people over, fun parties, socializing, etc....but was I being a good person? I mean I don't think I had started to get it. I was trying to, reading all the right words about how to be the person I wanted to be. How to lead with kindness and love and to be mindful of my feelings and behaviors, words, etc. Those are my ambitions in life, I don't think I was absorbing anything. My priorities then were to socialize with as many fun people as possible and keep the party and attention going for as long as possible.
Then comes the inevitable crash and burn that leads to the point of the story. Turns out drinking kind of fed into some not so flattering behaviors in me, that I just never wanted to admit. I would make excuses for my behaviors, "Oh I'm not being short tempered with Steve because I'm tipsy, it's just really stressful and he caught me at a bad moment."
I would rationalize this in my head, that it was justifiable to snap at a helpless man needing his full time care giving wife to help him with who knows what this time. It wasn't okay. I had to see it wasn't okay, and stop making excuses for myself before I could do anything. You know marriages obviously I'm not the only one who would cut or fight, Steve and I are good fighters. We are warriors it's just sort of in us. Learning to tame the beast is the biggest challenge for a warrior. There is always a time and place for that warrior in life, and snapping at a helpless man for something is NOT the time or place.
So yes, my 6 months without alcohol has given me a new understanding that I only recently admitted to myself and now I'm admitting it out loud. You might be wondering why? I wonder how many of us are looking at our dark sides? How many of us actually look at that not so flattering behavior? Then how many of us try to figure out why it's happening? And how many do the work?
I know I wasn't doing all the work. I wanted to be something that required work and commitment of me and I was spinning my wheels why nothing was working. It's because I wasn't actually do any work. I spent my nights sipping wine stalking free people peeps on insta, because in my mind that was my next challenge. I was so in-congruent and it was showing up all over the place.
Now could I have gotten to where I am today, feeling my wild side still having a place while taming the beast, without cutting out alcohol? Sure maybe. Am I suggesting everyone stop drinking? Nope. Certainly not. This is just me admitting that in MY journey it wasn't working, it took me 6 months of not drinking to actually admit it to myself. Will I ever drink again? I don't know. I often day dream of Steve and I sitting in Italy eating endless pasta (Yes even with gluten) and drinking loads of wine, so who knows. I just know right now, with what I want in our life, and where WE are. Alcohol just doesn't fit.
There I said it. In writing even.
My least favorite A word.
In practicing meditation I've learned some days my brain is much like a well behaved dog. It does what I tell her to do, and even a little extra just to make me smile. Then some days, like today, it's has so many things bouncing around, and into each other; it sends me on a long mind trip I didn't ask to go on.
So I'm sitting on my cushion, in my spot. Feeling the bits of the sun beam on my face and the chilly morning breeze blow through my hair. I let out a big exhale as I give in to the sounds of the birds and waterfall, and suddenly it happens. "What if not doing wound care everyday set you back?" "What if there's something brewing and that's why he hasn't felt well?" "What if you made the wrong choice keeping him home?" "What if what if what if what if...."
Shaking my head much I like I see my dogs do when they get wet, I shake the what ifs. I sigh and try to settle my shoulders back into my practice. The birds are singing to me and that frog who likes to sing during the morning is there now too, as if to cheer me on; and here it comes again, "You know you can't give Steve the meds he wants today for his, you'll have to take his anxiety from him..."
ah ha. There it is. The key to why my brain won't stop. Anxiety. My least favorite A word. My entire life I've had an interesting relationship with that dirty word. I used to have these dizzy spells as a kid, where the world around me would be moving so fast but I was stuck, and I would be forced either sit down or pass out. They weren't common but of course they led to doctors appointments and all that. They did find some mineral and vitamin deficiency's and everyone said, "That must be what it is." Of course it wasn't, but it was so infrequent I would learn to play it off, "I must need food or water I'm dizzy. Sit and breathe through it and then I was okay..."
For those who don't know I have my masters in clinical psychology. I've learned the ins and outs on this A word, and I have even successfully helped some clients learn to get a grip on their debilitating anxiety.
One extreme case comes to mind, he was agoraphobic (afraid to leave the house) and it was my job in one summer to help him conquer it. I was so sure of my counseling skills in these early days, i'll admit, but even my inflated ego was a little unsure if I would ever be able to help this man. Without too many details he was transgender and newly had undergone some sex change therapy. My first day with him I'm trying to be like a sponge and take it all in. His world, his feelings, the way he perceives the world etc.
A few weeks later, I suggest we take an outing. Because I worked in the field I would see people in their homes and often take them on excursions. Our first outing i'll never forget for as long as I live. We get to a coffee shop, and as we walk in, I ask, "Can you place an order for coffee? I'll buy." I should add I worked with the very underprivileged and undeserved population at this time.
He walks up to the counter, and starts crying, and hyperventilating. Suddenly, I see maybe for the first time in my life TRUE debilitating anxiety. Not just that dizzy feeling you get occasionally or the the butterflies in your stomach for talking in public. He runs out the door, and I meet him at the car.
"I want to go home." He says through forced breaths.
"Can you tell me what happened?" I ask.
"Take me home."
The entire car ride he is struggling to breathe between tears and as we get to his house, and he gets out of the car he vomits and falls to the ground.
It was humbling and I could write about this forever, in fact I may in the book; but this was my first glimpse of that out of control anxiety that I've heard of and studied, but never REALLY saw it. Sure all of my teenage clients had anxiety, but I would often tell them, that's hormones and growing up you don't need a pill for it.
I never experienced this type of anxiety again, until Steve. We don't leave our house these days, that's no secret, but the reason why is very similar to the story above. On several occasions out of the house, we get out of the car and people approach us, suddenly Steve can't breathe, even while on the vent; because he's hyperventilating. In that moment there is nothing I can do for him, like there was nothing I could do for my patient. Understanding in that moment all I could do was take him home and tell him, it's okay. Don't beat yourself up. Obviously with ALS and the pain and sickness that Steve feels on a daily, I'm not working with him to get him on outings, because he doesn't want to, so neither do I. :) I just now bring the party to us, and he doesn't have to experience that trauma.
So I went on a long tangent on this A word, and I'm going to leave it, but I want to talk briefly about my relationship with it. So these dizzy spells will still happen, and much more frequently these days. Now that I fully know what they are I have a trick and it helps me every time. Of course I don't have the trick to stopping the A word from creeping in but at least I've learned to take control back. I sit down honestly no matter where I am on the ground and just breathe and as I'm breathing to take back control of my mind, I say, "I am in control of my mind," "I am okay," and "thank you"
So today as I focus on my breath all day to keep the A beast away, I will offer some gratitude for my understanding of how to make this life work for me. I hope that for everyone. That's what made me want to be a therapist. In hope we can all learn to find something that works for us to conquer whatever challenge we are facing. It was also to encourage others that YOU have the answers in you already as to what will help, you just have to find them.
So with lots of breathing today I send y'all love in hopes that you find what works for you for ANYTHING you have going on today and beyond.
xo.
So I'm sitting on my cushion, in my spot. Feeling the bits of the sun beam on my face and the chilly morning breeze blow through my hair. I let out a big exhale as I give in to the sounds of the birds and waterfall, and suddenly it happens. "What if not doing wound care everyday set you back?" "What if there's something brewing and that's why he hasn't felt well?" "What if you made the wrong choice keeping him home?" "What if what if what if what if...."
Shaking my head much I like I see my dogs do when they get wet, I shake the what ifs. I sigh and try to settle my shoulders back into my practice. The birds are singing to me and that frog who likes to sing during the morning is there now too, as if to cheer me on; and here it comes again, "You know you can't give Steve the meds he wants today for his, you'll have to take his anxiety from him..."
ah ha. There it is. The key to why my brain won't stop. Anxiety. My least favorite A word. My entire life I've had an interesting relationship with that dirty word. I used to have these dizzy spells as a kid, where the world around me would be moving so fast but I was stuck, and I would be forced either sit down or pass out. They weren't common but of course they led to doctors appointments and all that. They did find some mineral and vitamin deficiency's and everyone said, "That must be what it is." Of course it wasn't, but it was so infrequent I would learn to play it off, "I must need food or water I'm dizzy. Sit and breathe through it and then I was okay..."
For those who don't know I have my masters in clinical psychology. I've learned the ins and outs on this A word, and I have even successfully helped some clients learn to get a grip on their debilitating anxiety.
One extreme case comes to mind, he was agoraphobic (afraid to leave the house) and it was my job in one summer to help him conquer it. I was so sure of my counseling skills in these early days, i'll admit, but even my inflated ego was a little unsure if I would ever be able to help this man. Without too many details he was transgender and newly had undergone some sex change therapy. My first day with him I'm trying to be like a sponge and take it all in. His world, his feelings, the way he perceives the world etc.
A few weeks later, I suggest we take an outing. Because I worked in the field I would see people in their homes and often take them on excursions. Our first outing i'll never forget for as long as I live. We get to a coffee shop, and as we walk in, I ask, "Can you place an order for coffee? I'll buy." I should add I worked with the very underprivileged and undeserved population at this time.
He walks up to the counter, and starts crying, and hyperventilating. Suddenly, I see maybe for the first time in my life TRUE debilitating anxiety. Not just that dizzy feeling you get occasionally or the the butterflies in your stomach for talking in public. He runs out the door, and I meet him at the car.
"I want to go home." He says through forced breaths.
"Can you tell me what happened?" I ask.
"Take me home."
The entire car ride he is struggling to breathe between tears and as we get to his house, and he gets out of the car he vomits and falls to the ground.
It was humbling and I could write about this forever, in fact I may in the book; but this was my first glimpse of that out of control anxiety that I've heard of and studied, but never REALLY saw it. Sure all of my teenage clients had anxiety, but I would often tell them, that's hormones and growing up you don't need a pill for it.
I never experienced this type of anxiety again, until Steve. We don't leave our house these days, that's no secret, but the reason why is very similar to the story above. On several occasions out of the house, we get out of the car and people approach us, suddenly Steve can't breathe, even while on the vent; because he's hyperventilating. In that moment there is nothing I can do for him, like there was nothing I could do for my patient. Understanding in that moment all I could do was take him home and tell him, it's okay. Don't beat yourself up. Obviously with ALS and the pain and sickness that Steve feels on a daily, I'm not working with him to get him on outings, because he doesn't want to, so neither do I. :) I just now bring the party to us, and he doesn't have to experience that trauma.
So I went on a long tangent on this A word, and I'm going to leave it, but I want to talk briefly about my relationship with it. So these dizzy spells will still happen, and much more frequently these days. Now that I fully know what they are I have a trick and it helps me every time. Of course I don't have the trick to stopping the A word from creeping in but at least I've learned to take control back. I sit down honestly no matter where I am on the ground and just breathe and as I'm breathing to take back control of my mind, I say, "I am in control of my mind," "I am okay," and "thank you"
So today as I focus on my breath all day to keep the A beast away, I will offer some gratitude for my understanding of how to make this life work for me. I hope that for everyone. That's what made me want to be a therapist. In hope we can all learn to find something that works for us to conquer whatever challenge we are facing. It was also to encourage others that YOU have the answers in you already as to what will help, you just have to find them.
So with lots of breathing today I send y'all love in hopes that you find what works for you for ANYTHING you have going on today and beyond.
xo.