Writing this blog for me, and for lollipops. :)
Here I am holding myself accountable. Give me a lollipop. ;)
So I sit here while our 15 year old Jack Russell lays on my lap/chest sleeping. I'm thinking I don't know what to blog about today anyways, and Ozzy clearly needs the cuddles he's not feeling well. Maybe, I skip the blog today. I mean I don't want to just write bland words in sequence without feeling them. Who will that impact or inspire?
You know who? Someone pretty important. ME!
It will impact and inspire me because instead of giving into life's excuses I'm following up with a commitment I made myself. Did you know I wake up 4 hours before Steve? 4 hours! Yes half of that time is spent cleaning up the house from whatever activities happened the day before, yoga, mediation, and garden time, but then I have 2 hours to work on things. To blog, write, study, ready, start working on a project.
I have a really bad habit of doing the "filler" where when I know a nurse/someone is coming at 11, I will do stuff up until 10 and sorta just doddle until 11. I have a fear of them interrupting my process and me never getting back into it so I stop. So instead I waste time. Leading life with fear is as useless as a pen without ink.
So I'm guessing y'all are wondering why I am writing on this topic AGAIN?
It's because I still HAVEN'T gotten it. Because life doesn't just stop coming to present me excuses that I can totally choose to use as a way out of something. Life still requires me to show up EVERYDAY and choose to follow through and do some work. Just because I said, "Ok world, ths is what I want to do with my time..." doesn't mean magically the universe is responsible for making sure I ACTUALLY DO IT.
Nope, it's all on me. When I have the time (which is a gift) I need to CHOOSE how to use it. Wisely and mindfully or waste.
Well, here I am showing up. Taking the first step. Following through. Living congruently.
Yes yes. Applause accepted, or I'll accept the, "It's about time," as encouragement also.
Where haven't you been showing up? If you're reading this and you live a fully congruent and mindful life I would love to hear from you! Seriously. I'm sure you are one of the many changing our world in so many ways it's mind blowing. If you're reading this and you maybe have some work to do. Join me, will you? :)
If I'm a tree you're a tree. Or something like that.
When you really become in tune with yourself and your habits and reactions to life, it's interesting what you discover. In some areas I work best with structure, but I'm also very free; in all ways. So as I find myself finally in the zone while being focused on what's actually ahead of me in that moment instead of the hundreds of things buzzing around me, I have some structure. I find me making lists and checking things off. So much productivity.
Suddenly, I'll have this constant heavy thought of I'm too free of a personality type to live with this structure, it's stopping my creativity, and I'll let it all go, finding myself floating around aimlessly living in a nice dream world. Doing things as they come or as I'm inspired, and this works for me for a few weeks, until the smashing reality of things left undone pile up and fall on top of me.
Then I'm left confused as to how I'm supposed to be or live or function. The only thing that makes sense to me is caring for Steve and the rest is too overwhelming to process. So then I shut down for a few days and crawl in a bubble to lick my wounds, until I'm finally able to get my head back on straight and then I go right in for structure to start the pattern all over again.
The pattern flows very closely with the moon. No surprise here. So as I've really put it in my mind to be mindful about what is working for me, and what can I do that will continue to work for me, I've come up with something I will name Hope-tree-ivity.
In me sharing this, I hope it helps others who don't fit society's molds feel inspired to make their own. Because one size fits all does not fit me, and I'm going to guess it doesn't fit A WHOLE lot more people than you would expect.
Here it is. It's simple and I don't know why it took me so long to get here.
Have an equal balance of the 2 in a day. So simple right?! Why is it one or the other? Why is it structure OR free. You say, "oh, Hope you can't be structured and free flowing at once", and I say, "Yes you can."
Think of it like a tree.
The structure is what roots you in the ground. It keeps you from floating in the clouds all day, and helps you find routine in areas that NEED it, and the free flow is the leaves, growing in different shapes and colors in all directions. Aiming towards that light and flowing in any direction the wind takes it.
I was writing in the book yesterday and I continued to draw lines of connections between me and trees and this thought came to me. Certain areas of my life I need structured. Okay hope, so wake up and do your morning practice. Okay hope, fulfill these obligations that require immediate attention and do your packaging and shipping. Structure. Then the creative side, sure work on whatever project calls you that day.
With my creations I have a process where I'm fortunate enough that those who support me understand. My custom orders have a completion time range from 1 week to 1 month. It's mostly because Steve's my number 1 and if he needs me all day, there is no taking my attention away to work on a custom order. That's only one side of it though. When I create I am putting my energy and intentions to bring something good and positive in the world. I want this mala I'm making you to bring you that feeling you need. You need peace, okay I'm going to make your mala when I feel peaceful. You need love, well I certainly won't make it for you after I get done with an argument with Steve. Same goes with all creations, but I've blogged on this before.
Why are we trying to put ourselves in a box when we are trees!! We need more room, more ideas, we grow, we are ever changing. So a simple acceptance that everyday needs a little structure, but it can also have that free flow that I (and others) love so much.
So I'm going to root down like the tree and enjoy the sun shining on my face, the breeze blowing me around, and the rain falling down to nourish me.
Side note: If I was typing this on my phone, it would be inundated with tree emojis. :)
Suddenly, I'll have this constant heavy thought of I'm too free of a personality type to live with this structure, it's stopping my creativity, and I'll let it all go, finding myself floating around aimlessly living in a nice dream world. Doing things as they come or as I'm inspired, and this works for me for a few weeks, until the smashing reality of things left undone pile up and fall on top of me.
Then I'm left confused as to how I'm supposed to be or live or function. The only thing that makes sense to me is caring for Steve and the rest is too overwhelming to process. So then I shut down for a few days and crawl in a bubble to lick my wounds, until I'm finally able to get my head back on straight and then I go right in for structure to start the pattern all over again.
The pattern flows very closely with the moon. No surprise here. So as I've really put it in my mind to be mindful about what is working for me, and what can I do that will continue to work for me, I've come up with something I will name Hope-tree-ivity.
In me sharing this, I hope it helps others who don't fit society's molds feel inspired to make their own. Because one size fits all does not fit me, and I'm going to guess it doesn't fit A WHOLE lot more people than you would expect.
Here it is. It's simple and I don't know why it took me so long to get here.
Have an equal balance of the 2 in a day. So simple right?! Why is it one or the other? Why is it structure OR free. You say, "oh, Hope you can't be structured and free flowing at once", and I say, "Yes you can."
Think of it like a tree.
The structure is what roots you in the ground. It keeps you from floating in the clouds all day, and helps you find routine in areas that NEED it, and the free flow is the leaves, growing in different shapes and colors in all directions. Aiming towards that light and flowing in any direction the wind takes it.
I was writing in the book yesterday and I continued to draw lines of connections between me and trees and this thought came to me. Certain areas of my life I need structured. Okay hope, so wake up and do your morning practice. Okay hope, fulfill these obligations that require immediate attention and do your packaging and shipping. Structure. Then the creative side, sure work on whatever project calls you that day.
With my creations I have a process where I'm fortunate enough that those who support me understand. My custom orders have a completion time range from 1 week to 1 month. It's mostly because Steve's my number 1 and if he needs me all day, there is no taking my attention away to work on a custom order. That's only one side of it though. When I create I am putting my energy and intentions to bring something good and positive in the world. I want this mala I'm making you to bring you that feeling you need. You need peace, okay I'm going to make your mala when I feel peaceful. You need love, well I certainly won't make it for you after I get done with an argument with Steve. Same goes with all creations, but I've blogged on this before.
Why are we trying to put ourselves in a box when we are trees!! We need more room, more ideas, we grow, we are ever changing. So a simple acceptance that everyday needs a little structure, but it can also have that free flow that I (and others) love so much.
So I'm going to root down like the tree and enjoy the sun shining on my face, the breeze blowing me around, and the rain falling down to nourish me.
Side note: If I was typing this on my phone, it would be inundated with tree emojis. :)
LOVE
As I'm sitting here listening to our waterfall in the backyard, rushing to get all my morning routines done before Steve's bath, I take a break to look at the coffee mug I'm drinking my cinnamon cardamon bullet proof coffee out of. 'I don't know what I will blog about this morning', I'm thinking and keep looking at the mug. Love is written on the side of the mug. Love.
Maybe I should write about LOVE. Now I could probably write 100 blogs about love, so how do I write something meaningful in 20 minutes about love, when the word means so much.
Then I look down at my shirt, and read the words, "Just be yourself." It strikes me as these are the words I'm seeing while trying to think of the words to write, and a thought came to me.
This is how my brain works. :)
Have you ever witnessed someone say or do something very horrible to someone they love? Haven't you yourself done this?
I know I have. I've talked before about snapping on Steve or whoever is near me in times of stress. Why do we do it, if we love them?
It's because when we say or do these not so great things, we aren't operating out of a place of love. I know when I'm focused on "doing it for the love" (shout out to Michael Franti and Sara Franti's www.doitforthelove.org) I act lovingly.
When the anxiety, frustrations, disappointments, hurt feelings, etc are where I'm operating from; it's not easy to come from a place of love. What if we all stopped for 1 minute before responding, and thought simply about the word love.
Is my response from a place of love? Is my response true to my authentic self? Do I want to be the person who snaps and screams because you caught me at the wrong time?
I often find myself using the mantra, "I AM LOVE."
Because when I snap, or find myself spitting out words that I immediately wish I could swallow back whole, it's because I am not operating out of love. When I stop and remind myself that I AM love. I can step back and find a loving way to reply.
Just because you are replying out of love doesn't mean you loose your voice, or that you aren't being true to yourself. Because yes you are feeling that anger and frustration with that person; that's real life. Feel them, but don't let them guide your actions or responses.
You can still tell someone that they've made you angry out of love. You can still explain to someone how fearful you are with love. You don't have to have the angry response to stand your ground. In fact your message will be heard more clearly if you pause and allow love to take over.
It's a practice I participate in daily. I want to always come from love, and do it for the love, and spread the love, and show only love. It's not always easy, but learning to be true to my deepest desires of myself; which is to BE LOVE, it's worth it. I find myself growing stronger each time I pause and repeat the mantra, and act from love. I find myself able to let things go easier. Often times not even feeling angry anymore. I find myself loving myself more.
That's a big one. When I come from love, I love myself more. Self love is important love too, but that's a whole other blog.
There a short blog on love, with 5 minutes to spare before our manic Monday starts.
Choose love this week, and watch your heart grow, y'all.
I LOVE YOU! xo
when judgment becomes education
I typically write my blogs while Steve's still off in dream land. His body loves sleep, so he will go until 10:30 or 11 on average. So after I wrote my blog yesterday, and did a few things around the house, I went to wake him up to give his meds before his dad and I did wound care.
However, he wouldn't wake up for 10 minutes. Of course the PTSD from Steve's coma over Christmas had me worked up. Finally opening his eyes, he's starring at me wide eyed and panicked. Because Steve has such debilitating anxiety I often say, if I'm not scared, you don't need to be. Well, I was scared, so he was beyond it.
So if you saw my facebook or instagram post you know we held medicine until later in the day, and gave his body a rest from turning. He slept until 1:30 until I went in there and really shook him awake. Yes, I literally grabbed his shoulders and shook him (gently). Again, his wide eyes are looking into mine, this time no panic---more annoyed.
"Why did you wake me up, I was just in a deep sleep." He typed clearly now that his eyes actually were open. I feel a sense of ease that he's communicating more clearly with me and gratitude that he's sassing me. Sass means he's just fine. :)
I got an out pour of love, and support from our followers, loads of suggestions and encouragement from our medical team helping me sort out the medicine, and yes even some judgment.
I want to write about this judgment, and it's not coming from a place of "how dare she judge me" that I used to reside in. I would cringe when people would question my motives, or question how I care for Steve, question our choices, etc. I would immediately regret making our journey so public and like a turtle I would retreat in my shell, hiding from everyone's opinions and thoughts.
Here's where I stand with it now. Steve and I talk through EVERYTHING! There are so many things that go on with Steve's care that if it was MY choice to make things would be different, that's probably no secret. The thing is, it's not my choice. So yesterday when the judgments came in it felt different. I didn't want to retreat or even defend myself (although I am writing a blog about it...).
I instead wanted to reply to all of them excited, "OMG you're judging me and I don't care. Not one care in me!!" I wanted to display my ego centered, "look at me rise above it" for everyone to see. I was so happy that I wasn't bummed out by what people were saying to me that I almost missed the lesson.
So I opened a dialogue with these people. Really hearing what they were saying, and offering some education on Steve, his journey with pain and medicine, with natural alternatives, etc. It was an area where simply not allowing them questioning my choices to not bother me, I had to also not gloat that it didn't either.
People say things/ask things mostly because they want to learn. They want to understand the situation. I know sometimes the suffocating feeling of being told how you should be handling your situation from a stranger, and I know the feeling of wanting to hide or snap. (Lots of turtle references happening here.) However, when I look at it from a different perspective, that feeling goes away. These people weren't intending for me to feel judged, it's how I perceived it. They were showing they care!
How many people do we push away because we perceived their actions wrongly? Trust me I know some people just need cut out, I've cut out entire families I'm such a pro. But as someone who used to ALWAYS get upset over a little feedback, I can honestly say if I spent time in an actual open conversation with them I wouldn't feel that way.
We educated one another. Loads of people educating me on some new alternative natural medicinal's that exist for pain and me educating them on pain with ALS and pain with Steve. It was lovely to have open conversations with others and to really hear where they were coming from and in turn them really hearing and understanding our story and where we stand.
So for those who must know: Yes Steve has tried a load of natural medicines for pain from the green sticky we know and love to creams, and tinctures, to oils, and beyond. Dosing and availability have always been our battle here. It's so hard to understand Steve's body and how it processes things. Because he is only receiving nutrients via IV it's hard to know what's happening when you put things in his feeding tube. Also, that gastroparesus limits us from putting things in his stomach, we go straight to the jejunum.
For those who have no idea what any of that means. I'll break it down in simple terms: Steve has a condition where his stomach will not empty what is put in it so it will come up instead of going down. After we experienced his 67 lbs phase was when we started him on IV foods. We've always had hope and even still do that one day i'll be able to fix his stomach, but it hasn't happened yet.
So because of this special feeding tube placed in him we can still give him meds and a few things via the tube by passing the stomach and straight into the intestines. So absorption of things are hard to understand in this complicated system.
Then there are the sub-lingual (under the tongue) ways to take some medicinal magic, well that absorption seems to offer zero release. We can't explain why?
So we will be cutting Steve's medicines again. We had him down to a much more digestible dosage before this wound he has been working hard to heal, and we will get him back there. It will be rough because we do have to move him so frequently for wound care; but I believe we will get there.
Ultimately we need to find the balance of quality of life for Steve and not causing extreme harm. We know there are long term effects. More importantly I should say Steve knows. Believe me they've been talked about in great detail the past few hospital visits. From Steve's stand point; all he has is this very moment. He can't think about long term effects, because that makes him not want to try to keep living with this awful disease. He can only think about NOW. So that's where I will be also. Here with him, in this moment; doing all that I can to keep him safe and comfortable.
Thank you to everyone who supports us. It's hard to be on this journey with us, and I understand it. So many of you feel so much love and compassion for Steve, it's beautiful to see. So thank you. It carries us through these crazy waters.
So our plan is onward and forward the best we know how. xox.
However, he wouldn't wake up for 10 minutes. Of course the PTSD from Steve's coma over Christmas had me worked up. Finally opening his eyes, he's starring at me wide eyed and panicked. Because Steve has such debilitating anxiety I often say, if I'm not scared, you don't need to be. Well, I was scared, so he was beyond it.
So if you saw my facebook or instagram post you know we held medicine until later in the day, and gave his body a rest from turning. He slept until 1:30 until I went in there and really shook him awake. Yes, I literally grabbed his shoulders and shook him (gently). Again, his wide eyes are looking into mine, this time no panic---more annoyed.
"Why did you wake me up, I was just in a deep sleep." He typed clearly now that his eyes actually were open. I feel a sense of ease that he's communicating more clearly with me and gratitude that he's sassing me. Sass means he's just fine. :)
I got an out pour of love, and support from our followers, loads of suggestions and encouragement from our medical team helping me sort out the medicine, and yes even some judgment.
I want to write about this judgment, and it's not coming from a place of "how dare she judge me" that I used to reside in. I would cringe when people would question my motives, or question how I care for Steve, question our choices, etc. I would immediately regret making our journey so public and like a turtle I would retreat in my shell, hiding from everyone's opinions and thoughts.
Here's where I stand with it now. Steve and I talk through EVERYTHING! There are so many things that go on with Steve's care that if it was MY choice to make things would be different, that's probably no secret. The thing is, it's not my choice. So yesterday when the judgments came in it felt different. I didn't want to retreat or even defend myself (although I am writing a blog about it...).
I instead wanted to reply to all of them excited, "OMG you're judging me and I don't care. Not one care in me!!" I wanted to display my ego centered, "look at me rise above it" for everyone to see. I was so happy that I wasn't bummed out by what people were saying to me that I almost missed the lesson.
So I opened a dialogue with these people. Really hearing what they were saying, and offering some education on Steve, his journey with pain and medicine, with natural alternatives, etc. It was an area where simply not allowing them questioning my choices to not bother me, I had to also not gloat that it didn't either.
People say things/ask things mostly because they want to learn. They want to understand the situation. I know sometimes the suffocating feeling of being told how you should be handling your situation from a stranger, and I know the feeling of wanting to hide or snap. (Lots of turtle references happening here.) However, when I look at it from a different perspective, that feeling goes away. These people weren't intending for me to feel judged, it's how I perceived it. They were showing they care!
How many people do we push away because we perceived their actions wrongly? Trust me I know some people just need cut out, I've cut out entire families I'm such a pro. But as someone who used to ALWAYS get upset over a little feedback, I can honestly say if I spent time in an actual open conversation with them I wouldn't feel that way.
We educated one another. Loads of people educating me on some new alternative natural medicinal's that exist for pain and me educating them on pain with ALS and pain with Steve. It was lovely to have open conversations with others and to really hear where they were coming from and in turn them really hearing and understanding our story and where we stand.
So for those who must know: Yes Steve has tried a load of natural medicines for pain from the green sticky we know and love to creams, and tinctures, to oils, and beyond. Dosing and availability have always been our battle here. It's so hard to understand Steve's body and how it processes things. Because he is only receiving nutrients via IV it's hard to know what's happening when you put things in his feeding tube. Also, that gastroparesus limits us from putting things in his stomach, we go straight to the jejunum.
For those who have no idea what any of that means. I'll break it down in simple terms: Steve has a condition where his stomach will not empty what is put in it so it will come up instead of going down. After we experienced his 67 lbs phase was when we started him on IV foods. We've always had hope and even still do that one day i'll be able to fix his stomach, but it hasn't happened yet.
So because of this special feeding tube placed in him we can still give him meds and a few things via the tube by passing the stomach and straight into the intestines. So absorption of things are hard to understand in this complicated system.
Then there are the sub-lingual (under the tongue) ways to take some medicinal magic, well that absorption seems to offer zero release. We can't explain why?
So we will be cutting Steve's medicines again. We had him down to a much more digestible dosage before this wound he has been working hard to heal, and we will get him back there. It will be rough because we do have to move him so frequently for wound care; but I believe we will get there.
Ultimately we need to find the balance of quality of life for Steve and not causing extreme harm. We know there are long term effects. More importantly I should say Steve knows. Believe me they've been talked about in great detail the past few hospital visits. From Steve's stand point; all he has is this very moment. He can't think about long term effects, because that makes him not want to try to keep living with this awful disease. He can only think about NOW. So that's where I will be also. Here with him, in this moment; doing all that I can to keep him safe and comfortable.
Thank you to everyone who supports us. It's hard to be on this journey with us, and I understand it. So many of you feel so much love and compassion for Steve, it's beautiful to see. So thank you. It carries us through these crazy waters.
So our plan is onward and forward the best we know how. xox.
What is the lesson?
As life has been presenting me many opportunities to grow, I've learned some things that have been so helpful to me that I wanted to write a mini blog on one in particular.
It's a simple question, "What is the lesson?"
I have found myself being triggered by people, learning to identify where I feel the trigger in my body was the early steps. She makes my stomach hurt, or he makes me feel like I can't breathe, or when he says that, I feel the anger crawling up my spine.
This was helpful in being able to identify what I was actually feeling, which was an important step, but none as important as what's next.
Why? Why am I feeling this way? Are they my mirror, showing me something I don't like that lies within myself by them acting it out? What is it teaching me? There's always a lesson.
Maybe the lesson is simple, and it's telling you, this persons energy isn't good to be around. It's okay to be protective of who you allow yourself to be around. Is it to bring up an old wound you haven't healed? Maybe a parent or an ex did something similar and you never processed this. Is it you?
Look just like the rest of every human around, I have dark sides that I would love if I could stay hidden. However, it doesn't work that way. If I don't learn to accept and own it, trust me it will be shown to me repeatedly.
For instance, recently I got upset because I felt like Steve was wasting my time. He would call me in the room and then sit and watch TV instead of typing what he needed. I felt so bad about how CRAZY it made me. I would get so upset and walk out of the room before he even told me what he needed.
So why am I sharing this unflattering story about myself. Because in meditation I finally asked, "Why am I getting mad at Steve about this?" Suddenly a friend came to visit, and taught me the practice I wrote in previous blogs about accounting for my day, and it dawned on me; I'm wasting my own time.
Steve was just a mirror. That's how it works in relationships. You are triggered and it's up to you to figure out why and how to stop it. It's not up to Steve to figure it out. Once I was able to see that it wasn't actually Steve, it was me, I was able to right my wrong behavior and put the work to stop wasting my own time.
This is why I do my work. Not only do I deserve me being the best me, but Steve does also.
Enjoy your weekend y'all, and don't forget to ask the questions.
It's a simple question, "What is the lesson?"
I have found myself being triggered by people, learning to identify where I feel the trigger in my body was the early steps. She makes my stomach hurt, or he makes me feel like I can't breathe, or when he says that, I feel the anger crawling up my spine.
This was helpful in being able to identify what I was actually feeling, which was an important step, but none as important as what's next.
Why? Why am I feeling this way? Are they my mirror, showing me something I don't like that lies within myself by them acting it out? What is it teaching me? There's always a lesson.
Maybe the lesson is simple, and it's telling you, this persons energy isn't good to be around. It's okay to be protective of who you allow yourself to be around. Is it to bring up an old wound you haven't healed? Maybe a parent or an ex did something similar and you never processed this. Is it you?
Look just like the rest of every human around, I have dark sides that I would love if I could stay hidden. However, it doesn't work that way. If I don't learn to accept and own it, trust me it will be shown to me repeatedly.
For instance, recently I got upset because I felt like Steve was wasting my time. He would call me in the room and then sit and watch TV instead of typing what he needed. I felt so bad about how CRAZY it made me. I would get so upset and walk out of the room before he even told me what he needed.
So why am I sharing this unflattering story about myself. Because in meditation I finally asked, "Why am I getting mad at Steve about this?" Suddenly a friend came to visit, and taught me the practice I wrote in previous blogs about accounting for my day, and it dawned on me; I'm wasting my own time.
Steve was just a mirror. That's how it works in relationships. You are triggered and it's up to you to figure out why and how to stop it. It's not up to Steve to figure it out. Once I was able to see that it wasn't actually Steve, it was me, I was able to right my wrong behavior and put the work to stop wasting my own time.
This is why I do my work. Not only do I deserve me being the best me, but Steve does also.
Enjoy your weekend y'all, and don't forget to ask the questions.
Mindful follow up.
I received some sweet messages after yesterdays blog, about people worrying if I'm being too hard on myself.
First off, thank you for caring for me like that. It's surreal sometimes to feel so much love and support from so many people. I'm so so thankful for all of you and the constant flow of goodness you send to me.
So am I being too hard on myself?
The answer is 100% no. You want to know how I know this? Because for a few years I went from being way too hard on myself about EVERYTHING and then slingshot to the other side of the spectrum for a few years I was way too easy on myself.
I understand I am human, in a pretty difficult situation; watching anyone you love suffer, is awful. There's no sugar coating it, it's one of the most difficult situations I will do.
However, being in this position for close to 5 years now, I see how I've been given many beautiful gifts; one of those being the gift of empowerment, and the ability to see exactly what I am capable of. I know what kind of an impact I can make on this world, but only if I am doing the work. If I'm floating around sort of lost in the clouds, how can I reach those needing to hear from me.
I have work to do and it's time I hold myself accountable. I've learned that no one else will do it for me. Because, it's not their job to, it's mine. So that's what yesterday was.
I will still strive for some me time everyday, it will just be spent doing more productive and mindful things. Yesterdays blog was to recognize the ease to get lost in my news feed, that half of it doesn't serve me. It was an admission that I wasn't fully practicing what I preach, with living in the present. It was a statement to myself and the universe that I am aware of the mindless nonsense and I will work through it.
Will it happen over night? Of course not, because I still rely heavily on social media to get our story to others, to have connection with those caregivers scattered across the world going through a very similar situation as me, to keep up with my beautiful friends and family, to sell whatever creation I muster up that day, etc.
However, it's on me if I haven't gotten anything done with my day because the 300 Steve related "distractions" that happen in any given day is enough for my brain. Add social media, and I'll spend a whole day, going from Steve needing me every 30 minutes, to walking around aimlessly in between not able to focus because my phones in my hand and the other hands scrolling.
I don't like to use the word distraction above with Steve, however I can't think of another way to explain it. So let me put this here for those who don't already know. I will always happily drop whatever I'm doing to go to Steve when he needs me. Caregiver is my #1 hat. All the rest is bonus. The point is, because Steve needs me so frequently, some days, I don't NEED any distractions. I NEED to be spending my time that I'm not with Steve doing something that grounds me, or brings me joy. Not wasting it mindlessly.
I've realized how important what I ingest food/beverage wise is to my body and health in dramatic ways the past year, and I've learned the same with my eyes and ears. It's just as important and I am going to be mindful of what I intake.
To be the best me, it takes a constant awareness. It's not being hard on myself. It's holding myself accountable to reach my highest potential. It's an understanding of how much I can be doing in the world when I'm grounded, balanced, and focused. So here I go off on another day of practicing mindful living. Practice, practice, practice.
I love you all. xo
First off, thank you for caring for me like that. It's surreal sometimes to feel so much love and support from so many people. I'm so so thankful for all of you and the constant flow of goodness you send to me.
So am I being too hard on myself?
The answer is 100% no. You want to know how I know this? Because for a few years I went from being way too hard on myself about EVERYTHING and then slingshot to the other side of the spectrum for a few years I was way too easy on myself.
I understand I am human, in a pretty difficult situation; watching anyone you love suffer, is awful. There's no sugar coating it, it's one of the most difficult situations I will do.
However, being in this position for close to 5 years now, I see how I've been given many beautiful gifts; one of those being the gift of empowerment, and the ability to see exactly what I am capable of. I know what kind of an impact I can make on this world, but only if I am doing the work. If I'm floating around sort of lost in the clouds, how can I reach those needing to hear from me.
I have work to do and it's time I hold myself accountable. I've learned that no one else will do it for me. Because, it's not their job to, it's mine. So that's what yesterday was.
I will still strive for some me time everyday, it will just be spent doing more productive and mindful things. Yesterdays blog was to recognize the ease to get lost in my news feed, that half of it doesn't serve me. It was an admission that I wasn't fully practicing what I preach, with living in the present. It was a statement to myself and the universe that I am aware of the mindless nonsense and I will work through it.
Will it happen over night? Of course not, because I still rely heavily on social media to get our story to others, to have connection with those caregivers scattered across the world going through a very similar situation as me, to keep up with my beautiful friends and family, to sell whatever creation I muster up that day, etc.
However, it's on me if I haven't gotten anything done with my day because the 300 Steve related "distractions" that happen in any given day is enough for my brain. Add social media, and I'll spend a whole day, going from Steve needing me every 30 minutes, to walking around aimlessly in between not able to focus because my phones in my hand and the other hands scrolling.
I don't like to use the word distraction above with Steve, however I can't think of another way to explain it. So let me put this here for those who don't already know. I will always happily drop whatever I'm doing to go to Steve when he needs me. Caregiver is my #1 hat. All the rest is bonus. The point is, because Steve needs me so frequently, some days, I don't NEED any distractions. I NEED to be spending my time that I'm not with Steve doing something that grounds me, or brings me joy. Not wasting it mindlessly.
I've realized how important what I ingest food/beverage wise is to my body and health in dramatic ways the past year, and I've learned the same with my eyes and ears. It's just as important and I am going to be mindful of what I intake.
To be the best me, it takes a constant awareness. It's not being hard on myself. It's holding myself accountable to reach my highest potential. It's an understanding of how much I can be doing in the world when I'm grounded, balanced, and focused. So here I go off on another day of practicing mindful living. Practice, practice, practice.
I love you all. xo