Blog
This is for my cheer leading squad
Okay so I know I have been doing a lot of honest calling myself out lately, and there's a group of you, that I will now call my cheerleaders, who are worried that I'm not taking the time to reflect on the goodness I possess; while I find these areas of growth. So today, i'll blog on some strengths to assure you I am really quite good at giving myself praise. Truth is, I really wasn't good at looking at the shadows.
So, I will acknowledge that my job is one of the hardest in the world; it's devastating, exhausting, draining, challenging, and ever changing. The silver lining is that my paycheck is in form of kisses, snuggles, boopy surprises, and all around LOVE. I talk about Steve and I fighting, because I truly believe if we all would talk about the dark places, and actually face them and work them out, everyone can have a bond like Steve and I. What I don't talk about often on here is how much I love him, and how wonderful most of our days are, our team work, and connection; and I think the reason I do that is because we SHOW that more than talk about it.
One of the things I did when first stepping into this role was a little ceremony with myself where I asked God to help me learn and grow and become the best version of me during this. I had no idea what that would mean! Growth like this, that I wanted for my life, was something that couldn't come without facing challenges. Well, I knew I would be facing a lot of challenges beside Steve, and I wanted it to help me. Then I had the same ceremony with Steve. We set intentions for our bond to grow, our connection, love, understanding, strength...
Obviously, I will say, that making that choice, and being an active participant in this life, has served me (us) well. I am happy with who I am as person today. The reason I write about the dark stuff, is because in order to really become happy with who you are, you have to really accept all sides of you. Now that I see the dark I am also able to actively working on bringing them more to the light side. I do like to acknowledge my growth and strides I make, and I don't always share with others, unless you're in my immediate circle. So yes, here it is in writing, I know I am blessing Steve's life with being here for him everyday and all that goes with it. I know that I am growing and learning and changing, and making positive impacts. I'm so grateful for it!
The important side in that is that Steve's blessing my life equally. We are equals in this journey and if I will give myself some accolades he deserves them too. He equally wanted to grow and become stronger with this, if his mind wasn't the amazingly powerful machine that it is today, he wouldn't be able to do all he has to. Steve's list of ALS induced complications are too long to list here, but through it all he still remains the humble, sweet, loving, funny, strong, warrior he is. His energy is so limited today but he will still find time to chat with his other pALS needing Steve's encouragement, and still find ways to share this journey with you all, and shower me with love.
So yes I've grown, and I'm truly pleased with where I am. I will always have work to do, because I'm human; but most importantly I would like to thank Steve for growing with me. That's why we have made it where we are. We did it together. It's a beautiful journey and for those of you who might be afraid of facing a challenge with a loved one, don't let fear lead. It will be hard but if you go at this together with love, you both will be amazed with what life has to offer you.
Thank you all for reminding me to share with you, that yes I am light. For the record for y'all, so ARE YOU. xox
So, I will acknowledge that my job is one of the hardest in the world; it's devastating, exhausting, draining, challenging, and ever changing. The silver lining is that my paycheck is in form of kisses, snuggles, boopy surprises, and all around LOVE. I talk about Steve and I fighting, because I truly believe if we all would talk about the dark places, and actually face them and work them out, everyone can have a bond like Steve and I. What I don't talk about often on here is how much I love him, and how wonderful most of our days are, our team work, and connection; and I think the reason I do that is because we SHOW that more than talk about it.
One of the things I did when first stepping into this role was a little ceremony with myself where I asked God to help me learn and grow and become the best version of me during this. I had no idea what that would mean! Growth like this, that I wanted for my life, was something that couldn't come without facing challenges. Well, I knew I would be facing a lot of challenges beside Steve, and I wanted it to help me. Then I had the same ceremony with Steve. We set intentions for our bond to grow, our connection, love, understanding, strength...
Obviously, I will say, that making that choice, and being an active participant in this life, has served me (us) well. I am happy with who I am as person today. The reason I write about the dark stuff, is because in order to really become happy with who you are, you have to really accept all sides of you. Now that I see the dark I am also able to actively working on bringing them more to the light side. I do like to acknowledge my growth and strides I make, and I don't always share with others, unless you're in my immediate circle. So yes, here it is in writing, I know I am blessing Steve's life with being here for him everyday and all that goes with it. I know that I am growing and learning and changing, and making positive impacts. I'm so grateful for it!
The important side in that is that Steve's blessing my life equally. We are equals in this journey and if I will give myself some accolades he deserves them too. He equally wanted to grow and become stronger with this, if his mind wasn't the amazingly powerful machine that it is today, he wouldn't be able to do all he has to. Steve's list of ALS induced complications are too long to list here, but through it all he still remains the humble, sweet, loving, funny, strong, warrior he is. His energy is so limited today but he will still find time to chat with his other pALS needing Steve's encouragement, and still find ways to share this journey with you all, and shower me with love.
So yes I've grown, and I'm truly pleased with where I am. I will always have work to do, because I'm human; but most importantly I would like to thank Steve for growing with me. That's why we have made it where we are. We did it together. It's a beautiful journey and for those of you who might be afraid of facing a challenge with a loved one, don't let fear lead. It will be hard but if you go at this together with love, you both will be amazed with what life has to offer you.
Thank you all for reminding me to share with you, that yes I am light. For the record for y'all, so ARE YOU. xox
I have a confession...
I haven't really said anything on the internets about my not drinking this year. Mainly because I wasn't sure what it was. I just felt like I needed to stop drinking, but I mostly was using the reason, "My skins in rough shape, let's help my body by eliminating some things/foods and help my body deal with this intense amount of stress I take on each day."
Sure so I stopped dairy 100% also, but that was easy. So I call myself 97% vegan. I just love eggs, and free range chickens with beautiful lives bring me these babes, so they stay.
Still alcohol actually was easy also. I tried to quit smoking cigarettes maybe 200 times before I actually quit. I've never tried to stop drinking. I've had a relationship with alcohol before I was born, (no my mom didn't drink while pregnant), it's just in my family. I was so afraid of that little bit of cray that lives in my mom growing up. (Look I got it too, part of intentional living is owning all sides of you.) So I didn't drink much mostly growing up, because I couldn't ever lie to her, she always knew.
Until I met the older boy. We all know where it goes from there. Insert party girl phase. I won't go into detail here, trust me I share all kinds of not so flattering stories in my book. I loved parties, and loved alcohol, and it loved me. I've only gotten sick a few times, and a few of those were maybe because of some other things, and a few unfortunate me not know some other thing was in there moments.
Girlfriends are your biggest asset in college. How many times we all saved each other. So fast forward to becoming a drug and alcohol therapist. So that was interesting. Who knew an addicts daughter becoming a drug and alcohol therapist. How predictable. I won't down play my role in that job though, because I saved a lot of people's lives. There were a lot of lost souls deep into some heavy life threatening things/ and yes alcohol. Alcoholics who were on their death beds and still needing that bottle. Helping is what came natural, but even still I drank. I mean I have seen alcoholics in all shapes, sizes, colors, and tolerances; but never did I think I had any "problems" with alcohol, so I drank.
Okay fast forward to Steve & I's relationship with alcohol. If you've watched the documentary you know Steve & I already have an interesting relationship with alcohol (if you haven't plug, do so :)), so of course we loved bar nights. Sitting at the bar with our many drinks and packs of cigs just talking about everything there is to talk about. Steve and I were fun. I mean we are fun now, but it's a tame fun. We were wild. I like wild. I never wanted to loose it. So we just brought the party here. Everywhere we would go I would bring travel mugs of wine even the hospital), I would drink at least a bottle every night, smoking my last pack of cigarettes for the 3497th time and just unwinding; tipsy and pass out every night.
During these times, I was having fun, lots of people over, fun parties, socializing, etc....but was I being a good person? I mean I don't think I had started to get it. I was trying to, reading all the right words about how to be the person I wanted to be. How to lead with kindness and love and to be mindful of my feelings and behaviors, words, etc. Those are my ambitions in life, I don't think I was absorbing anything. My priorities then were to socialize with as many fun people as possible and keep the party and attention going for as long as possible.
Then comes the inevitable crash and burn that leads to the point of the story. Turns out drinking kind of fed into some not so flattering behaviors in me, that I just never wanted to admit. I would make excuses for my behaviors, "Oh I'm not being short tempered with Steve because I'm tipsy, it's just really stressful and he caught me at a bad moment."
I would rationalize this in my head, that it was justifiable to snap at a helpless man needing his full time care giving wife to help him with who knows what this time. It wasn't okay. I had to see it wasn't okay, and stop making excuses for myself before I could do anything. You know marriages obviously I'm not the only one who would cut or fight, Steve and I are good fighters. We are warriors it's just sort of in us. Learning to tame the beast is the biggest challenge for a warrior. There is always a time and place for that warrior in life, and snapping at a helpless man for something is NOT the time or place.
So yes, my 6 months without alcohol has given me a new understanding that I only recently admitted to myself and now I'm admitting it out loud. You might be wondering why? I wonder how many of us are looking at our dark sides? How many of us actually look at that not so flattering behavior? Then how many of us try to figure out why it's happening? And how many do the work?
I know I wasn't doing all the work. I wanted to be something that required work and commitment of me and I was spinning my wheels why nothing was working. It's because I wasn't actually do any work. I spent my nights sipping wine stalking free people peeps on insta, because in my mind that was my next challenge. I was so in-congruent and it was showing up all over the place.
Now could I have gotten to where I am today, feeling my wild side still having a place while taming the beast, without cutting out alcohol? Sure maybe. Am I suggesting everyone stop drinking? Nope. Certainly not. This is just me admitting that in MY journey it wasn't working, it took me 6 months of not drinking to actually admit it to myself. Will I ever drink again? I don't know. I often day dream of Steve and I sitting in Italy eating endless pasta (Yes even with gluten) and drinking loads of wine, so who knows. I just know right now, with what I want in our life, and where WE are. Alcohol just doesn't fit.
There I said it. In writing even.
Sure so I stopped dairy 100% also, but that was easy. So I call myself 97% vegan. I just love eggs, and free range chickens with beautiful lives bring me these babes, so they stay.
Still alcohol actually was easy also. I tried to quit smoking cigarettes maybe 200 times before I actually quit. I've never tried to stop drinking. I've had a relationship with alcohol before I was born, (no my mom didn't drink while pregnant), it's just in my family. I was so afraid of that little bit of cray that lives in my mom growing up. (Look I got it too, part of intentional living is owning all sides of you.) So I didn't drink much mostly growing up, because I couldn't ever lie to her, she always knew.
Until I met the older boy. We all know where it goes from there. Insert party girl phase. I won't go into detail here, trust me I share all kinds of not so flattering stories in my book. I loved parties, and loved alcohol, and it loved me. I've only gotten sick a few times, and a few of those were maybe because of some other things, and a few unfortunate me not know some other thing was in there moments.
Girlfriends are your biggest asset in college. How many times we all saved each other. So fast forward to becoming a drug and alcohol therapist. So that was interesting. Who knew an addicts daughter becoming a drug and alcohol therapist. How predictable. I won't down play my role in that job though, because I saved a lot of people's lives. There were a lot of lost souls deep into some heavy life threatening things/ and yes alcohol. Alcoholics who were on their death beds and still needing that bottle. Helping is what came natural, but even still I drank. I mean I have seen alcoholics in all shapes, sizes, colors, and tolerances; but never did I think I had any "problems" with alcohol, so I drank.
Okay fast forward to Steve & I's relationship with alcohol. If you've watched the documentary you know Steve & I already have an interesting relationship with alcohol (if you haven't plug, do so :)), so of course we loved bar nights. Sitting at the bar with our many drinks and packs of cigs just talking about everything there is to talk about. Steve and I were fun. I mean we are fun now, but it's a tame fun. We were wild. I like wild. I never wanted to loose it. So we just brought the party here. Everywhere we would go I would bring travel mugs of wine even the hospital), I would drink at least a bottle every night, smoking my last pack of cigarettes for the 3497th time and just unwinding; tipsy and pass out every night.
During these times, I was having fun, lots of people over, fun parties, socializing, etc....but was I being a good person? I mean I don't think I had started to get it. I was trying to, reading all the right words about how to be the person I wanted to be. How to lead with kindness and love and to be mindful of my feelings and behaviors, words, etc. Those are my ambitions in life, I don't think I was absorbing anything. My priorities then were to socialize with as many fun people as possible and keep the party and attention going for as long as possible.
Then comes the inevitable crash and burn that leads to the point of the story. Turns out drinking kind of fed into some not so flattering behaviors in me, that I just never wanted to admit. I would make excuses for my behaviors, "Oh I'm not being short tempered with Steve because I'm tipsy, it's just really stressful and he caught me at a bad moment."
I would rationalize this in my head, that it was justifiable to snap at a helpless man needing his full time care giving wife to help him with who knows what this time. It wasn't okay. I had to see it wasn't okay, and stop making excuses for myself before I could do anything. You know marriages obviously I'm not the only one who would cut or fight, Steve and I are good fighters. We are warriors it's just sort of in us. Learning to tame the beast is the biggest challenge for a warrior. There is always a time and place for that warrior in life, and snapping at a helpless man for something is NOT the time or place.
So yes, my 6 months without alcohol has given me a new understanding that I only recently admitted to myself and now I'm admitting it out loud. You might be wondering why? I wonder how many of us are looking at our dark sides? How many of us actually look at that not so flattering behavior? Then how many of us try to figure out why it's happening? And how many do the work?
I know I wasn't doing all the work. I wanted to be something that required work and commitment of me and I was spinning my wheels why nothing was working. It's because I wasn't actually do any work. I spent my nights sipping wine stalking free people peeps on insta, because in my mind that was my next challenge. I was so in-congruent and it was showing up all over the place.
Now could I have gotten to where I am today, feeling my wild side still having a place while taming the beast, without cutting out alcohol? Sure maybe. Am I suggesting everyone stop drinking? Nope. Certainly not. This is just me admitting that in MY journey it wasn't working, it took me 6 months of not drinking to actually admit it to myself. Will I ever drink again? I don't know. I often day dream of Steve and I sitting in Italy eating endless pasta (Yes even with gluten) and drinking loads of wine, so who knows. I just know right now, with what I want in our life, and where WE are. Alcohol just doesn't fit.
There I said it. In writing even.
My least favorite A word.
In practicing meditation I've learned some days my brain is much like a well behaved dog. It does what I tell her to do, and even a little extra just to make me smile. Then some days, like today, it's has so many things bouncing around, and into each other; it sends me on a long mind trip I didn't ask to go on.
So I'm sitting on my cushion, in my spot. Feeling the bits of the sun beam on my face and the chilly morning breeze blow through my hair. I let out a big exhale as I give in to the sounds of the birds and waterfall, and suddenly it happens. "What if not doing wound care everyday set you back?" "What if there's something brewing and that's why he hasn't felt well?" "What if you made the wrong choice keeping him home?" "What if what if what if what if...."
Shaking my head much I like I see my dogs do when they get wet, I shake the what ifs. I sigh and try to settle my shoulders back into my practice. The birds are singing to me and that frog who likes to sing during the morning is there now too, as if to cheer me on; and here it comes again, "You know you can't give Steve the meds he wants today for his, you'll have to take his anxiety from him..."
ah ha. There it is. The key to why my brain won't stop. Anxiety. My least favorite A word. My entire life I've had an interesting relationship with that dirty word. I used to have these dizzy spells as a kid, where the world around me would be moving so fast but I was stuck, and I would be forced either sit down or pass out. They weren't common but of course they led to doctors appointments and all that. They did find some mineral and vitamin deficiency's and everyone said, "That must be what it is." Of course it wasn't, but it was so infrequent I would learn to play it off, "I must need food or water I'm dizzy. Sit and breathe through it and then I was okay..."
For those who don't know I have my masters in clinical psychology. I've learned the ins and outs on this A word, and I have even successfully helped some clients learn to get a grip on their debilitating anxiety.
One extreme case comes to mind, he was agoraphobic (afraid to leave the house) and it was my job in one summer to help him conquer it. I was so sure of my counseling skills in these early days, i'll admit, but even my inflated ego was a little unsure if I would ever be able to help this man. Without too many details he was transgender and newly had undergone some sex change therapy. My first day with him I'm trying to be like a sponge and take it all in. His world, his feelings, the way he perceives the world etc.
A few weeks later, I suggest we take an outing. Because I worked in the field I would see people in their homes and often take them on excursions. Our first outing i'll never forget for as long as I live. We get to a coffee shop, and as we walk in, I ask, "Can you place an order for coffee? I'll buy." I should add I worked with the very underprivileged and undeserved population at this time.
He walks up to the counter, and starts crying, and hyperventilating. Suddenly, I see maybe for the first time in my life TRUE debilitating anxiety. Not just that dizzy feeling you get occasionally or the the butterflies in your stomach for talking in public. He runs out the door, and I meet him at the car.
"I want to go home." He says through forced breaths.
"Can you tell me what happened?" I ask.
"Take me home."
The entire car ride he is struggling to breathe between tears and as we get to his house, and he gets out of the car he vomits and falls to the ground.
It was humbling and I could write about this forever, in fact I may in the book; but this was my first glimpse of that out of control anxiety that I've heard of and studied, but never REALLY saw it. Sure all of my teenage clients had anxiety, but I would often tell them, that's hormones and growing up you don't need a pill for it.
I never experienced this type of anxiety again, until Steve. We don't leave our house these days, that's no secret, but the reason why is very similar to the story above. On several occasions out of the house, we get out of the car and people approach us, suddenly Steve can't breathe, even while on the vent; because he's hyperventilating. In that moment there is nothing I can do for him, like there was nothing I could do for my patient. Understanding in that moment all I could do was take him home and tell him, it's okay. Don't beat yourself up. Obviously with ALS and the pain and sickness that Steve feels on a daily, I'm not working with him to get him on outings, because he doesn't want to, so neither do I. :) I just now bring the party to us, and he doesn't have to experience that trauma.
So I went on a long tangent on this A word, and I'm going to leave it, but I want to talk briefly about my relationship with it. So these dizzy spells will still happen, and much more frequently these days. Now that I fully know what they are I have a trick and it helps me every time. Of course I don't have the trick to stopping the A word from creeping in but at least I've learned to take control back. I sit down honestly no matter where I am on the ground and just breathe and as I'm breathing to take back control of my mind, I say, "I am in control of my mind," "I am okay," and "thank you"
So today as I focus on my breath all day to keep the A beast away, I will offer some gratitude for my understanding of how to make this life work for me. I hope that for everyone. That's what made me want to be a therapist. In hope we can all learn to find something that works for us to conquer whatever challenge we are facing. It was also to encourage others that YOU have the answers in you already as to what will help, you just have to find them.
So with lots of breathing today I send y'all love in hopes that you find what works for you for ANYTHING you have going on today and beyond.
xo.
So I'm sitting on my cushion, in my spot. Feeling the bits of the sun beam on my face and the chilly morning breeze blow through my hair. I let out a big exhale as I give in to the sounds of the birds and waterfall, and suddenly it happens. "What if not doing wound care everyday set you back?" "What if there's something brewing and that's why he hasn't felt well?" "What if you made the wrong choice keeping him home?" "What if what if what if what if...."
Shaking my head much I like I see my dogs do when they get wet, I shake the what ifs. I sigh and try to settle my shoulders back into my practice. The birds are singing to me and that frog who likes to sing during the morning is there now too, as if to cheer me on; and here it comes again, "You know you can't give Steve the meds he wants today for his, you'll have to take his anxiety from him..."
ah ha. There it is. The key to why my brain won't stop. Anxiety. My least favorite A word. My entire life I've had an interesting relationship with that dirty word. I used to have these dizzy spells as a kid, where the world around me would be moving so fast but I was stuck, and I would be forced either sit down or pass out. They weren't common but of course they led to doctors appointments and all that. They did find some mineral and vitamin deficiency's and everyone said, "That must be what it is." Of course it wasn't, but it was so infrequent I would learn to play it off, "I must need food or water I'm dizzy. Sit and breathe through it and then I was okay..."
For those who don't know I have my masters in clinical psychology. I've learned the ins and outs on this A word, and I have even successfully helped some clients learn to get a grip on their debilitating anxiety.
One extreme case comes to mind, he was agoraphobic (afraid to leave the house) and it was my job in one summer to help him conquer it. I was so sure of my counseling skills in these early days, i'll admit, but even my inflated ego was a little unsure if I would ever be able to help this man. Without too many details he was transgender and newly had undergone some sex change therapy. My first day with him I'm trying to be like a sponge and take it all in. His world, his feelings, the way he perceives the world etc.
A few weeks later, I suggest we take an outing. Because I worked in the field I would see people in their homes and often take them on excursions. Our first outing i'll never forget for as long as I live. We get to a coffee shop, and as we walk in, I ask, "Can you place an order for coffee? I'll buy." I should add I worked with the very underprivileged and undeserved population at this time.
He walks up to the counter, and starts crying, and hyperventilating. Suddenly, I see maybe for the first time in my life TRUE debilitating anxiety. Not just that dizzy feeling you get occasionally or the the butterflies in your stomach for talking in public. He runs out the door, and I meet him at the car.
"I want to go home." He says through forced breaths.
"Can you tell me what happened?" I ask.
"Take me home."
The entire car ride he is struggling to breathe between tears and as we get to his house, and he gets out of the car he vomits and falls to the ground.
It was humbling and I could write about this forever, in fact I may in the book; but this was my first glimpse of that out of control anxiety that I've heard of and studied, but never REALLY saw it. Sure all of my teenage clients had anxiety, but I would often tell them, that's hormones and growing up you don't need a pill for it.
I never experienced this type of anxiety again, until Steve. We don't leave our house these days, that's no secret, but the reason why is very similar to the story above. On several occasions out of the house, we get out of the car and people approach us, suddenly Steve can't breathe, even while on the vent; because he's hyperventilating. In that moment there is nothing I can do for him, like there was nothing I could do for my patient. Understanding in that moment all I could do was take him home and tell him, it's okay. Don't beat yourself up. Obviously with ALS and the pain and sickness that Steve feels on a daily, I'm not working with him to get him on outings, because he doesn't want to, so neither do I. :) I just now bring the party to us, and he doesn't have to experience that trauma.
So I went on a long tangent on this A word, and I'm going to leave it, but I want to talk briefly about my relationship with it. So these dizzy spells will still happen, and much more frequently these days. Now that I fully know what they are I have a trick and it helps me every time. Of course I don't have the trick to stopping the A word from creeping in but at least I've learned to take control back. I sit down honestly no matter where I am on the ground and just breathe and as I'm breathing to take back control of my mind, I say, "I am in control of my mind," "I am okay," and "thank you"
So today as I focus on my breath all day to keep the A beast away, I will offer some gratitude for my understanding of how to make this life work for me. I hope that for everyone. That's what made me want to be a therapist. In hope we can all learn to find something that works for us to conquer whatever challenge we are facing. It was also to encourage others that YOU have the answers in you already as to what will help, you just have to find them.
So with lots of breathing today I send y'all love in hopes that you find what works for you for ANYTHING you have going on today and beyond.
xo.
Writing this blog for me, and for lollipops. :)
Here I am holding myself accountable. Give me a lollipop. ;)
So I sit here while our 15 year old Jack Russell lays on my lap/chest sleeping. I'm thinking I don't know what to blog about today anyways, and Ozzy clearly needs the cuddles he's not feeling well. Maybe, I skip the blog today. I mean I don't want to just write bland words in sequence without feeling them. Who will that impact or inspire?
You know who? Someone pretty important. ME!
It will impact and inspire me because instead of giving into life's excuses I'm following up with a commitment I made myself. Did you know I wake up 4 hours before Steve? 4 hours! Yes half of that time is spent cleaning up the house from whatever activities happened the day before, yoga, mediation, and garden time, but then I have 2 hours to work on things. To blog, write, study, ready, start working on a project.
I have a really bad habit of doing the "filler" where when I know a nurse/someone is coming at 11, I will do stuff up until 10 and sorta just doddle until 11. I have a fear of them interrupting my process and me never getting back into it so I stop. So instead I waste time. Leading life with fear is as useless as a pen without ink.
So I'm guessing y'all are wondering why I am writing on this topic AGAIN?
It's because I still HAVEN'T gotten it. Because life doesn't just stop coming to present me excuses that I can totally choose to use as a way out of something. Life still requires me to show up EVERYDAY and choose to follow through and do some work. Just because I said, "Ok world, ths is what I want to do with my time..." doesn't mean magically the universe is responsible for making sure I ACTUALLY DO IT.
Nope, it's all on me. When I have the time (which is a gift) I need to CHOOSE how to use it. Wisely and mindfully or waste.
Well, here I am showing up. Taking the first step. Following through. Living congruently.
Yes yes. Applause accepted, or I'll accept the, "It's about time," as encouragement also.
Where haven't you been showing up? If you're reading this and you live a fully congruent and mindful life I would love to hear from you! Seriously. I'm sure you are one of the many changing our world in so many ways it's mind blowing. If you're reading this and you maybe have some work to do. Join me, will you? :)
If I'm a tree you're a tree. Or something like that.
When you really become in tune with yourself and your habits and reactions to life, it's interesting what you discover. In some areas I work best with structure, but I'm also very free; in all ways. So as I find myself finally in the zone while being focused on what's actually ahead of me in that moment instead of the hundreds of things buzzing around me, I have some structure. I find me making lists and checking things off. So much productivity.
Suddenly, I'll have this constant heavy thought of I'm too free of a personality type to live with this structure, it's stopping my creativity, and I'll let it all go, finding myself floating around aimlessly living in a nice dream world. Doing things as they come or as I'm inspired, and this works for me for a few weeks, until the smashing reality of things left undone pile up and fall on top of me.
Then I'm left confused as to how I'm supposed to be or live or function. The only thing that makes sense to me is caring for Steve and the rest is too overwhelming to process. So then I shut down for a few days and crawl in a bubble to lick my wounds, until I'm finally able to get my head back on straight and then I go right in for structure to start the pattern all over again.
The pattern flows very closely with the moon. No surprise here. So as I've really put it in my mind to be mindful about what is working for me, and what can I do that will continue to work for me, I've come up with something I will name Hope-tree-ivity.
In me sharing this, I hope it helps others who don't fit society's molds feel inspired to make their own. Because one size fits all does not fit me, and I'm going to guess it doesn't fit A WHOLE lot more people than you would expect.
Here it is. It's simple and I don't know why it took me so long to get here.
Have an equal balance of the 2 in a day. So simple right?! Why is it one or the other? Why is it structure OR free. You say, "oh, Hope you can't be structured and free flowing at once", and I say, "Yes you can."
Think of it like a tree.
The structure is what roots you in the ground. It keeps you from floating in the clouds all day, and helps you find routine in areas that NEED it, and the free flow is the leaves, growing in different shapes and colors in all directions. Aiming towards that light and flowing in any direction the wind takes it.
I was writing in the book yesterday and I continued to draw lines of connections between me and trees and this thought came to me. Certain areas of my life I need structured. Okay hope, so wake up and do your morning practice. Okay hope, fulfill these obligations that require immediate attention and do your packaging and shipping. Structure. Then the creative side, sure work on whatever project calls you that day.
With my creations I have a process where I'm fortunate enough that those who support me understand. My custom orders have a completion time range from 1 week to 1 month. It's mostly because Steve's my number 1 and if he needs me all day, there is no taking my attention away to work on a custom order. That's only one side of it though. When I create I am putting my energy and intentions to bring something good and positive in the world. I want this mala I'm making you to bring you that feeling you need. You need peace, okay I'm going to make your mala when I feel peaceful. You need love, well I certainly won't make it for you after I get done with an argument with Steve. Same goes with all creations, but I've blogged on this before.
Why are we trying to put ourselves in a box when we are trees!! We need more room, more ideas, we grow, we are ever changing. So a simple acceptance that everyday needs a little structure, but it can also have that free flow that I (and others) love so much.
So I'm going to root down like the tree and enjoy the sun shining on my face, the breeze blowing me around, and the rain falling down to nourish me.
Side note: If I was typing this on my phone, it would be inundated with tree emojis. :)
Suddenly, I'll have this constant heavy thought of I'm too free of a personality type to live with this structure, it's stopping my creativity, and I'll let it all go, finding myself floating around aimlessly living in a nice dream world. Doing things as they come or as I'm inspired, and this works for me for a few weeks, until the smashing reality of things left undone pile up and fall on top of me.
Then I'm left confused as to how I'm supposed to be or live or function. The only thing that makes sense to me is caring for Steve and the rest is too overwhelming to process. So then I shut down for a few days and crawl in a bubble to lick my wounds, until I'm finally able to get my head back on straight and then I go right in for structure to start the pattern all over again.
The pattern flows very closely with the moon. No surprise here. So as I've really put it in my mind to be mindful about what is working for me, and what can I do that will continue to work for me, I've come up with something I will name Hope-tree-ivity.
In me sharing this, I hope it helps others who don't fit society's molds feel inspired to make their own. Because one size fits all does not fit me, and I'm going to guess it doesn't fit A WHOLE lot more people than you would expect.
Here it is. It's simple and I don't know why it took me so long to get here.
Have an equal balance of the 2 in a day. So simple right?! Why is it one or the other? Why is it structure OR free. You say, "oh, Hope you can't be structured and free flowing at once", and I say, "Yes you can."
Think of it like a tree.
The structure is what roots you in the ground. It keeps you from floating in the clouds all day, and helps you find routine in areas that NEED it, and the free flow is the leaves, growing in different shapes and colors in all directions. Aiming towards that light and flowing in any direction the wind takes it.
I was writing in the book yesterday and I continued to draw lines of connections between me and trees and this thought came to me. Certain areas of my life I need structured. Okay hope, so wake up and do your morning practice. Okay hope, fulfill these obligations that require immediate attention and do your packaging and shipping. Structure. Then the creative side, sure work on whatever project calls you that day.
With my creations I have a process where I'm fortunate enough that those who support me understand. My custom orders have a completion time range from 1 week to 1 month. It's mostly because Steve's my number 1 and if he needs me all day, there is no taking my attention away to work on a custom order. That's only one side of it though. When I create I am putting my energy and intentions to bring something good and positive in the world. I want this mala I'm making you to bring you that feeling you need. You need peace, okay I'm going to make your mala when I feel peaceful. You need love, well I certainly won't make it for you after I get done with an argument with Steve. Same goes with all creations, but I've blogged on this before.
Why are we trying to put ourselves in a box when we are trees!! We need more room, more ideas, we grow, we are ever changing. So a simple acceptance that everyday needs a little structure, but it can also have that free flow that I (and others) love so much.
So I'm going to root down like the tree and enjoy the sun shining on my face, the breeze blowing me around, and the rain falling down to nourish me.
Side note: If I was typing this on my phone, it would be inundated with tree emojis. :)
LOVE
As I'm sitting here listening to our waterfall in the backyard, rushing to get all my morning routines done before Steve's bath, I take a break to look at the coffee mug I'm drinking my cinnamon cardamon bullet proof coffee out of. 'I don't know what I will blog about this morning', I'm thinking and keep looking at the mug. Love is written on the side of the mug. Love.
Maybe I should write about LOVE. Now I could probably write 100 blogs about love, so how do I write something meaningful in 20 minutes about love, when the word means so much.
Then I look down at my shirt, and read the words, "Just be yourself." It strikes me as these are the words I'm seeing while trying to think of the words to write, and a thought came to me.
This is how my brain works. :)
Have you ever witnessed someone say or do something very horrible to someone they love? Haven't you yourself done this?
I know I have. I've talked before about snapping on Steve or whoever is near me in times of stress. Why do we do it, if we love them?
It's because when we say or do these not so great things, we aren't operating out of a place of love. I know when I'm focused on "doing it for the love" (shout out to Michael Franti and Sara Franti's www.doitforthelove.org) I act lovingly.
When the anxiety, frustrations, disappointments, hurt feelings, etc are where I'm operating from; it's not easy to come from a place of love. What if we all stopped for 1 minute before responding, and thought simply about the word love.
Is my response from a place of love? Is my response true to my authentic self? Do I want to be the person who snaps and screams because you caught me at the wrong time?
I often find myself using the mantra, "I AM LOVE."
Because when I snap, or find myself spitting out words that I immediately wish I could swallow back whole, it's because I am not operating out of love. When I stop and remind myself that I AM love. I can step back and find a loving way to reply.
Just because you are replying out of love doesn't mean you loose your voice, or that you aren't being true to yourself. Because yes you are feeling that anger and frustration with that person; that's real life. Feel them, but don't let them guide your actions or responses.
You can still tell someone that they've made you angry out of love. You can still explain to someone how fearful you are with love. You don't have to have the angry response to stand your ground. In fact your message will be heard more clearly if you pause and allow love to take over.
It's a practice I participate in daily. I want to always come from love, and do it for the love, and spread the love, and show only love. It's not always easy, but learning to be true to my deepest desires of myself; which is to BE LOVE, it's worth it. I find myself growing stronger each time I pause and repeat the mantra, and act from love. I find myself able to let things go easier. Often times not even feeling angry anymore. I find myself loving myself more.
That's a big one. When I come from love, I love myself more. Self love is important love too, but that's a whole other blog.
There a short blog on love, with 5 minutes to spare before our manic Monday starts.
Choose love this week, and watch your heart grow, y'all.
I LOVE YOU! xo