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caregiver social anxiety
I know I'm not alone in this one.
So often when I'm in public and I try to have a small talk conversation with others, I struggle. It gives me anxiety and I feel like I don't have anything to add. Conversations about activities going on around us, new restaurants I should try, how their kids soccer games went, concerts, vacations, normal life stuff.
Except I don't have a normal life. I mean of course it's normal to Steve & I, but those talks about their vacation to the beach last week doesn't really have much in common with my husband struggling to breath because the ridiculous pollen count in Georgia right now, or the fact that his feeding tube is leaking stomach acid.
Aside from that, small talk also makes me feel superficial. It's one of those conversations I have and at the end I'm rolling my eyes at myself. Did I just say that? Why? That's not what I actually think? I have a panic response and start complaining with the lady checking me out of the store about the traffic because of construction on the road. Do I actually care about construction? Nope. Not one bit. You know why? Because I leave my house for an hour every 2-3 weeks. Why would construction actually matter to me. Why didn't I just say that?
As a caregiver when I'm out of the house, I'm not fully out of there. A part of me is always home, responding to whomever is staying with Steve, and constantly checking my phone to see if they need me. Listening to people around me talk about their day to day lives often leaves me silent and feeling awkward. Because I'm not present enough to even be able to add to the conversations, let alone anything witty. It's usually a smile and a oh yeah.
It's good that I am aware of this, because it's something I now work on. Today at the eye doctor, I really tried to engage with the doctor about how his 3 year old leaves him wanting to sing songs to his patients. "That's cute, "I say, as I'm thinking about how much Steve and I wanted children. It was my choice not to have them. Steve has baby fever daily, and I know I couldn't take one more single thing onto my plate and a child is more than a plate full. I try not to bring myself into the room and not make it about me, but it happens.
So today's appointment was about more than just my eyes. It was about me needing to work on being present in even the most uncomfortable situations. It's learning to walk straight into the awkward, embrace it, feel it, and learn to deal with it. Rather than shutting down every chance of small talk. The random encounters used to be my favorite thing, and I will get it back. Now that I'm aware of it.
Anyone else know this struggle? What are some of your tricks?
So often when I'm in public and I try to have a small talk conversation with others, I struggle. It gives me anxiety and I feel like I don't have anything to add. Conversations about activities going on around us, new restaurants I should try, how their kids soccer games went, concerts, vacations, normal life stuff.
Except I don't have a normal life. I mean of course it's normal to Steve & I, but those talks about their vacation to the beach last week doesn't really have much in common with my husband struggling to breath because the ridiculous pollen count in Georgia right now, or the fact that his feeding tube is leaking stomach acid.
Aside from that, small talk also makes me feel superficial. It's one of those conversations I have and at the end I'm rolling my eyes at myself. Did I just say that? Why? That's not what I actually think? I have a panic response and start complaining with the lady checking me out of the store about the traffic because of construction on the road. Do I actually care about construction? Nope. Not one bit. You know why? Because I leave my house for an hour every 2-3 weeks. Why would construction actually matter to me. Why didn't I just say that?
As a caregiver when I'm out of the house, I'm not fully out of there. A part of me is always home, responding to whomever is staying with Steve, and constantly checking my phone to see if they need me. Listening to people around me talk about their day to day lives often leaves me silent and feeling awkward. Because I'm not present enough to even be able to add to the conversations, let alone anything witty. It's usually a smile and a oh yeah.
It's good that I am aware of this, because it's something I now work on. Today at the eye doctor, I really tried to engage with the doctor about how his 3 year old leaves him wanting to sing songs to his patients. "That's cute, "I say, as I'm thinking about how much Steve and I wanted children. It was my choice not to have them. Steve has baby fever daily, and I know I couldn't take one more single thing onto my plate and a child is more than a plate full. I try not to bring myself into the room and not make it about me, but it happens.
So today's appointment was about more than just my eyes. It was about me needing to work on being present in even the most uncomfortable situations. It's learning to walk straight into the awkward, embrace it, feel it, and learn to deal with it. Rather than shutting down every chance of small talk. The random encounters used to be my favorite thing, and I will get it back. Now that I'm aware of it.
Anyone else know this struggle? What are some of your tricks?
Divine Feminine Energy
Okay ladies. This blog is for you today. Men you could probably use a little freshen up on this as well. ;)
So often as females we are made to feel bad about what makes us feminine. Our curves, or bodies, our menses, our emotions, hormones, our nurturing...
It happens so regularly now that it's become a norm to tell a woman, "Stop PMSing and get a grip." Along with being called names if we show to much skin, women being shamed for breast feeding (I mean this one will never make sense to me), we care too much about others emotions, or act too maternal , etc.... The list is endless in ways in which we have become a woman shaming society.
This morning I woke up feeling bad, because yesterday I was feeling too many emotions. I was experiencing the heaviness of the flow and I took the day off mostly. I didn't want to watch a movie with Steve yesterday, I didn't make the list of things I had planned to make, or schedule those appointments, I didn't do much. (However, being a caregiver you don't get days off, so I was still showing up to my job, but just not doing anything extra).
I felt drawn to walk around this morning and pick up all the beautiful flowers that the trees have dropped and use them in my sacred space and while meditating. I had a beautiful image come to mind as I sat in this space. That on days where my emotions are heavy, it's the days I should celebrate my femininity the most. I should celebrate all that makes me a powerful, strong, soft, caring, divine female. Own the emotions that come with it and celebrate my ability to FEEL life.
So today I did just that, my meditation turned into a full ceremony. I celebrated my feminine energy and instantly I felt more energized, more positive, and more capable. Of anything. It really inspired me. So much, that I decided to write a blog on "the flow" ;)
But in all seriousness ladies. Don't beat yourself up when you experience emotions or moments of unsteadiness; instead take time to celebrate all that goes into making you the radiant female you are. It will shift things for you I promise. I plan to do this every single month. Because what happens to my body is special and makes me special, and it's something I won't be ashamed of anymore. I will instead use the excess energy for the good. <3
Impermanence
Growing up learning to depend on nature, I felt like I had a true understanding of impermanence. The tragic beauty of it. That just as the cherry blossoms bring magic to your life but will quickly disappear (the blossoms last just under 2 weeks), however, nothing taught it more than ALS.
When Steve was in the hospital for pneumonia, he stopped breathing on me & they had to intubate him (put on vent) and we almost lost him. A week with some great care he was able to come off the vent for 2 days. He was able to talk to me again after a week of using a communication board. I remember crying at the sound of his voice & although we were exhausted from the past 2 weeks, all we wanted to do was talk. For 2 days until suddenly it happened again.
He stopped breathing, this time he died for 10 minutes. Thankfully they saved his life & he then had to get an emergency tracheotomy. It was time & we weren't ready. We needed more time. More conversations. Which thankfully we have because of brilliant technology but sometimes when I hear Steve's voice on recordings it's a poignant reminder that nothings permanent. Nothing's guaranteed.
So enjoy every single minute of every single day. Because the beautiful gift of impermanence is the reminder to soak in this moment as much as possible. To stay present & let the rest go. Because the rest truly doesn't matter right now. All that does is this.
When Steve was in the hospital for pneumonia, he stopped breathing on me & they had to intubate him (put on vent) and we almost lost him. A week with some great care he was able to come off the vent for 2 days. He was able to talk to me again after a week of using a communication board. I remember crying at the sound of his voice & although we were exhausted from the past 2 weeks, all we wanted to do was talk. For 2 days until suddenly it happened again.
He stopped breathing, this time he died for 10 minutes. Thankfully they saved his life & he then had to get an emergency tracheotomy. It was time & we weren't ready. We needed more time. More conversations. Which thankfully we have because of brilliant technology but sometimes when I hear Steve's voice on recordings it's a poignant reminder that nothings permanent. Nothing's guaranteed.
So enjoy every single minute of every single day. Because the beautiful gift of impermanence is the reminder to soak in this moment as much as possible. To stay present & let the rest go. Because the rest truly doesn't matter right now. All that does is this.
Nurse Aide
Nurses and caregivers are some of the best people in the world. Taking care of our sick loved ones, taking care of us, taking care of their families, and them. Managing it all with grace.
I feel like sometimes they don't get enough credit, although since being Steve's been diagnosed I have seen ways in which nurses do get some of the love they deserve, but a group of people I see not getting as much attention is nurses aides.
They might be some of the most undervalued people around.
Have you ever tried to give a completely paralyzed, vented, 160 pound man a bath by yourself. As you struggle to get him turned, through tears from both parties, putting your knee in his back to keep him turned, you first make sure trache isn't being pulled because the vent does that EVERY time you move them, trying your best to prop his unstable neck/head on a pillow, and not opening up the 30 just closed wounds by simply brushing it into something. Then you have the issue at hand. The BM, that made you have to turn him to begin with. With one hand and leg supporting his body you're on one leg and with one hand you have to clean up a not so solid BM.
Facts aren't always pretty y'all. But with an aide, it goes from battle to a peaceful, successful, much needed, deep cleaning. Time to put into wound care and bandaging and the right positioning post bath to prevent future break downs. The moral support while the patient may still experience pain, is the most comforting things for a carer. It's as equally satisfying to have help to comfort your loved one as it is to get them REALLY clean.
If you're an aide, let me tell you, I love you. Truly. You have a tough job, yet most of you make us feel calm while we are experiencing some rough stuff together. I guess that's why you become family so quickly, in times like these. We have a few friends & Steve's parents who have come to help me clean Steve, and those that may not be blood related, we're still family (Thank you Jeremy, Meredith, Jason, Meredith 2, Camille, & Garrett xox).
I feel like sometimes they don't get enough credit, although since being Steve's been diagnosed I have seen ways in which nurses do get some of the love they deserve, but a group of people I see not getting as much attention is nurses aides.
They might be some of the most undervalued people around.
Have you ever tried to give a completely paralyzed, vented, 160 pound man a bath by yourself. As you struggle to get him turned, through tears from both parties, putting your knee in his back to keep him turned, you first make sure trache isn't being pulled because the vent does that EVERY time you move them, trying your best to prop his unstable neck/head on a pillow, and not opening up the 30 just closed wounds by simply brushing it into something. Then you have the issue at hand. The BM, that made you have to turn him to begin with. With one hand and leg supporting his body you're on one leg and with one hand you have to clean up a not so solid BM.
Facts aren't always pretty y'all. But with an aide, it goes from battle to a peaceful, successful, much needed, deep cleaning. Time to put into wound care and bandaging and the right positioning post bath to prevent future break downs. The moral support while the patient may still experience pain, is the most comforting things for a carer. It's as equally satisfying to have help to comfort your loved one as it is to get them REALLY clean.
If you're an aide, let me tell you, I love you. Truly. You have a tough job, yet most of you make us feel calm while we are experiencing some rough stuff together. I guess that's why you become family so quickly, in times like these. We have a few friends & Steve's parents who have come to help me clean Steve, and those that may not be blood related, we're still family (Thank you Jeremy, Meredith, Jason, Meredith 2, Camille, & Garrett xox).
Change your perspective...change your world.
As of now everyone's heard of the glass half full or empty lesson. Some people laugh it off, "Who cares just drink it.." Some people no matter how well life goes, always sees it as empty. Some even when the cup is actually empty still see the last drop in that glass.
We all have a choice how we see life. We can choose to seek out the beauty that the world has the offer and allow it to take our breath away. We can also choose to focus on the bad that exists all around us.
Do you walk into a garden and notice the 1 dying plant before you see the hundreds of blooming beautiful flowers? Do you curse nature for allowing rain to take the petals off of trees, or do you stand outside and allow the rain and petals fall on your face?
If you choose what you see can excite you and motivate you every single day. It can just as equally discourage you and bring you down.
Some say it's so easy to see the negative, it's there right in our face. How can we miss it? Sure. Maybe it is. I'm here to tell you though, the positive is just as easy if you try.
If you're one of those who already finds the beauty out there naturally! Give yourself a high five or a hug! Keep doing it and I promise it's having a positive influence on our world. <3
If you struggle, and YOU WANT to see more of the good, I have an exercise for you. After you read this, go outside and find 5 things that are beautiful. Seriously, stay out there until you find it. Soak in the beauty and repeat this exercise everyday and add 1 a day. Until you find yourself outside in marvel of how beautiful everything really is.
It is that simple. You CAN train your mind to seek out the good, IF you want to. This doesn't mean you ignore all bad things until it comes crashing down around you, it just helps you have a better perspective while facing the bad. Yes one of my 50 plants are dying, it's okay. It doesn't mean I should give up trying to grow food, herbs, and flowers because one didn't make it. If all I noticed was that one plant, I might quit. It happens all the time.
So yes, some days bad things happen, but even then, the world has 109083408397's of really life changing, mind blowing, great things as well. Let's see more it.
We all have a choice how we see life. We can choose to seek out the beauty that the world has the offer and allow it to take our breath away. We can also choose to focus on the bad that exists all around us.
Do you walk into a garden and notice the 1 dying plant before you see the hundreds of blooming beautiful flowers? Do you curse nature for allowing rain to take the petals off of trees, or do you stand outside and allow the rain and petals fall on your face?
If you choose what you see can excite you and motivate you every single day. It can just as equally discourage you and bring you down.
Some say it's so easy to see the negative, it's there right in our face. How can we miss it? Sure. Maybe it is. I'm here to tell you though, the positive is just as easy if you try.
If you're one of those who already finds the beauty out there naturally! Give yourself a high five or a hug! Keep doing it and I promise it's having a positive influence on our world. <3
If you struggle, and YOU WANT to see more of the good, I have an exercise for you. After you read this, go outside and find 5 things that are beautiful. Seriously, stay out there until you find it. Soak in the beauty and repeat this exercise everyday and add 1 a day. Until you find yourself outside in marvel of how beautiful everything really is.
It is that simple. You CAN train your mind to seek out the good, IF you want to. This doesn't mean you ignore all bad things until it comes crashing down around you, it just helps you have a better perspective while facing the bad. Yes one of my 50 plants are dying, it's okay. It doesn't mean I should give up trying to grow food, herbs, and flowers because one didn't make it. If all I noticed was that one plant, I might quit. It happens all the time.
So yes, some days bad things happen, but even then, the world has 109083408397's of really life changing, mind blowing, great things as well. Let's see more it.
Metta Bhavana
I've been doing some pretty awesome guided meditations lately, and the Metta Bhavana is my favorite. It means loving-kindness meditation. Some of the mantras used in these meditations have stuck with me through my days well into weeks, that I wanted to share.
I use the insight timer app for my daily meditations, that helps time my meditations as well as provides a wide variety of guided for days where I need a little more structure.
Metta Bhavana:
May I be safe from inner and outer harm.
May I be happy and peaceful.
May I be healthy and strong.
May I show loving kindness.
May you be safe from inner and outer harm.
May you be happy and peaceful.
May you be healthy and strong.
May you show loving kindness.
Something about using these mantras opens my heart to feeling peaceful, happy, healthy, and loving. I use it on days when I don't feel particularly loving or kind, I will say it with others in mind that may benefit from it, shoot I use it on the whole world regularly by saying, "May all beings be..."
If there's anything our world needs during this tumultuous time it's love and kindness. It starts with us. The more we show ourselves it, the more we shine it upon others, the further the ripple effect can go.
May all beings show loving kindness AND be shown loving kindness. <3
xo
I use the insight timer app for my daily meditations, that helps time my meditations as well as provides a wide variety of guided for days where I need a little more structure.
Metta Bhavana:
May I be safe from inner and outer harm.
May I be happy and peaceful.
May I be healthy and strong.
May I show loving kindness.
May you be safe from inner and outer harm.
May you be happy and peaceful.
May you be healthy and strong.
May you show loving kindness.
Something about using these mantras opens my heart to feeling peaceful, happy, healthy, and loving. I use it on days when I don't feel particularly loving or kind, I will say it with others in mind that may benefit from it, shoot I use it on the whole world regularly by saying, "May all beings be..."
If there's anything our world needs during this tumultuous time it's love and kindness. It starts with us. The more we show ourselves it, the more we shine it upon others, the further the ripple effect can go.
May all beings show loving kindness AND be shown loving kindness. <3
xo