How embracing fear has helped me face my fear
There have been many of things during my care giving journey that has made me meet my inner demons. Many things that have sent me spiraling because it was too intense to handle without bringing up unhealed traumas. So much so that I’m writing an entire book on it (yes I’m still working on that thing).
There has however been nothing that terrifies me as much as respiratory distress. I keep waiting for me to be like one of the Respiratory therapists I see who come in swiftly and handle things without any stress. When will I become a pro? It’s been over a year that this happens on a regular basis when Steve’s not on antibiotics so when will I just swoop in and handle business without the panic?
I guess the answer is never. It’s not in my DNA not to feel distress when Steve does. Handling a coding situation that deals with dropping numbers on the finger box that dictates our life, is not my strong.
My nerves are shot, so while I work through shaky hands and heart palpitations and try to stay calm as to not add to the chaos of everything, I’m internally freaking out. I silently repeat to myself, “I can do hard things,” as I try to as gently as possible reassure Steve he’s okay.
You see I never know if he really is okay. Is he going to be okay? Which one of these episodes will be the end? As much as I try to shove any thoughts like these into the back of my mind, they are there. It’s the reality. Doctors warnings ring in my head, as I see the sheer panic in Steve’s eyes as he tries to suck in any extra air through his locked jaws.
The sweat dripping from his face while I see his HR climb higher than even his highest peek. Each increase in heart beat mine follows.
Obsessively watching the finger box, as we have lovingly nicknamed his pulse ox, is nothing new to us. All the way back in 2013 when Steve was a full code blue and needed an emergency trache started our obsessive number watching.
Back then the obsession was to know when Steve needed oxygen, soon followed obsessing when he needed the ventilator full time, and eventually needing both ventilation and oxygen. Now it’s obsessing between knowing when to bag because our trusty O2 and vent aren’t holding good numbers.
The number on that little finger box dictates our days. 98 is great, 95 is okay, 93 what is happening, 91 start to bag, 88 start to panic, 83 fully black out and call 911 crying into the phone to please help me resulting in your house being full of cops, EMT’s, and firemen.
All while watching the number box the shrill alarm on Steve’s vent is repeatedly sounding off to let me know his peek pressures are too high. Of course this also isn’t a new problem but one that is increasingly getting harder to resolve. The sound sends shivers down my spine. It’s tone intentionally piercing to make sure you notice he needs attention, triggers fear on the first beep.
I’ve recently realized that I don’t need to become a master that handles business and feels no fear when respiratory distress happens. I need to dig into courage and face the fear without the negative reactions I give it. Often I turn my fear into anger as a way to manage it. I always felt I could utilize the energy bursts anger gives vs handle the energy drain fear takes.
Truth is the anger energy is fake energy and I end up feeling more depleted than I would had I just stayed in the fearful experience and manage my way through it shaky hands and all. Steve doesn’t need a caregiver who experiences no fear with him, he just needs one who can walk beside him in the scariest of times. It feels silly that the simple act of allowing myself to feel scared has really helped remove many of my negative reactions to it. Sometimes it doesn’t take a big action step to change behavior you want to, but rather to accept fully what you’re feeling.
To me running away from the anxiety instead of embracing it was my problem. Now that I realize that feeling the fear is the key to my sanity I have learned a few things to help me.
I needed to cultivate a practice that would prepare me for these sudden distress moments. A ritual that worked for me in order to restore my nerves and ground me into my body. Which for me entails spending time outside. I need to make contact with the Earth, which doesn’t always look like a barefooted hippie running around through the grass, although that is my favorite practice. Sometimes it’s bundled in three layers of warmth and leaning against my favorite tree. Whatever it is I just need to touch the ground and for at least 5 minutes, really though the longer the better.
Finding ways to deal with the “when will an episode happen anxiety.” I have to work not to nervously spend my days waiting for a vent to beep. This is something that comes and goes for me, and practicing grace with myself is the most important part. I also have learned some other tricks. Painting, making something with my hands, playing in the dirt, doodles, dancing, breathing, cuddling with my dog, watching birds or squirrels play, watching something funny, listening to an uplifting podcast. Whatever you find that helps you release some anxiety, hold on to it for dear life. Making the most of the space between episodes is the key to not just my survival but my happiness. This is important to notice that it’s not a distraction from anxiety. You aren’t running away from it but rather embracing the moments where life is okay and acknowledging beauty and peace when it’s here.
This is not a master and done kind of thing. One day I can handle a distress situation like a boss, but if I use that as an excuse not to show up to my daily practice, that means the next stressful situation probably will not go so well. If I don’t get it right one day it’s not a failure, it’s a lesson. Where do I need to adjust for the next one. It’s an ongoing process and it changes as often as you need it to.
Even if you’re not a caregiver or facing a life threatening distress kind of situation this applies to you. The world is a very unknown place, and I believe we are all beginning to understand just how little control we do have. So we have to show up for ourselves. So let me ask you, how are you showing up for yourself?