Guided by Nature
Sitting feeling the chill on my legs, and the wind blow through my hair, with peaks of sunlight squeezing through the trees. Mosquito's reminding me that it's not quite autumn, but the smell of leaves in the air are screaming, "Home girl, hang tight, I'm coming."
The nature surrounding me has become my best friend, much like it did as a child. Guiding me through the many changes in life, teaching me to flow with the season change and utilize there energies. So with the promise of autumn, I feel an ease of releasing things that are no longer serving me to make space for that new growth this spring.
So in an effort to open people up to some self reflection for what they need to release I will share one of mine with you all. Because, autumn is coming y'all! *Insert excited face* The thing of all things, that I'm learning to release is, me getting out of my own way. I am more clever than you probably have ever seen of me; because instead of using my time properly, I find 101 excuses why I should just go with whatever the day brings me, instead of a routine/planned day.
Learning more of my inner workings has helped me understand ways in which my wild works for me in amazing ways, and ways in which it doesn't at all. The ways it works are obvious, the ways it doesn't aren't, so let me state it; my rebellion for structure & routine. I spoke yesterday on having to learn to establish realistic routines because I will use every excuse there is on this entire planet, not to stick to one.
So around here there is no "Same thing we do everyday..." skit happening, because there is not same everyday. Of course, when it comes to Steve I have routines with him, and I promise you as important as it is to stick to it with him, we both resist it. Two wild seeds planted in one wild life together, is a lot of fun, and we grow, stretch, and really experience every moment; but it's not always the most productive of environments.
Let me preface this with; no we will not be turning into productive robots that pump out items like an assembly line. It doesn't matter how many special powers the two of us may have, that isn't in the realm of possible with the two of us. However, a little less resisting of some structure to allow for a little more follow through come spring, is my main dying leaf for autumn.
So with each leaf that falls, it symbolizes my release for resisting the most fundamental ingredients to me reaching my highest potential; ritual, routines, follow through, and maintaining. Thank you nature for always pushing me forward. There's a reason once you find the connection with the earth and her ways, you will defend her with every ounce of energy you have. I hope you all find this connection in your lifetime.
The nature surrounding me has become my best friend, much like it did as a child. Guiding me through the many changes in life, teaching me to flow with the season change and utilize there energies. So with the promise of autumn, I feel an ease of releasing things that are no longer serving me to make space for that new growth this spring.
So in an effort to open people up to some self reflection for what they need to release I will share one of mine with you all. Because, autumn is coming y'all! *Insert excited face* The thing of all things, that I'm learning to release is, me getting out of my own way. I am more clever than you probably have ever seen of me; because instead of using my time properly, I find 101 excuses why I should just go with whatever the day brings me, instead of a routine/planned day.
Learning more of my inner workings has helped me understand ways in which my wild works for me in amazing ways, and ways in which it doesn't at all. The ways it works are obvious, the ways it doesn't aren't, so let me state it; my rebellion for structure & routine. I spoke yesterday on having to learn to establish realistic routines because I will use every excuse there is on this entire planet, not to stick to one.
So around here there is no "Same thing we do everyday..." skit happening, because there is not same everyday. Of course, when it comes to Steve I have routines with him, and I promise you as important as it is to stick to it with him, we both resist it. Two wild seeds planted in one wild life together, is a lot of fun, and we grow, stretch, and really experience every moment; but it's not always the most productive of environments.
Let me preface this with; no we will not be turning into productive robots that pump out items like an assembly line. It doesn't matter how many special powers the two of us may have, that isn't in the realm of possible with the two of us. However, a little less resisting of some structure to allow for a little more follow through come spring, is my main dying leaf for autumn.
So with each leaf that falls, it symbolizes my release for resisting the most fundamental ingredients to me reaching my highest potential; ritual, routines, follow through, and maintaining. Thank you nature for always pushing me forward. There's a reason once you find the connection with the earth and her ways, you will defend her with every ounce of energy you have. I hope you all find this connection in your lifetime.
I'm only here for the habit
There isn't a bone in my body that wanted to write this blog today. It's not that I don't totally adore y'all, it's just that today has been hectic, and I don't want to show up to work today. But, alas, here I am fingers to the keyboard, keeping a commitment I made to myself to create a habit of writing daily.Feeling more at home here in my writing desk, the more words I type.
I've been doing a lot of reading about habits the past week, sort of by accident. I ordered two books (one audio & one hard copy) because as I'm sure you're not surprised, I can't read one book at a time. Both are going to an extensive length to stress the importance of habits; for daily life and creative life.
I can't say if it didn't happen to rain at 6 PM today, I would be sitting here writing this, because I'm sure I would be out in the garden or playing outside. As you can see the habit hasn't formed quite yet.
Habit: In simplest terms possible: something that you do so often and regularly
When most think of the word habit, they think of the negative habits they or someone they love has. Of course letting go of bad habits is important to make space for the good, but the creating of good habits is just as important.
So how does one start? Well, I am learning it's as simple as that first cigarette you have at the park swing set, except it probably won't make your head spin or make you want to throw up. Even if it does, still do it. The key is to do it enough times, that it becomes part of your subconscious. Choose your good habits as often as you find yourself nibbling on that fingernail without thinking about it.
Find something that will make you show up everyday. Routine helps, but as a caregiver allow me to remind you, an unrealistic routine can backfire. Too many things happen here for me to get into a routine of "I must do this, at this same time," because that one time Steve's up and needs me during my routine and I crumble, snap, pop, and break down to no longer having one; just doesn't work.
So to help me work to stick this habit, it isn't I show up at 7 AM every morning and write; it's I will find the space of time to sit at that desk and write something ANYTIME today, even if it's just a paragraph. There now a realistic goal I can keep enough to help form the habit.
So here it is, me learning how to form a healthy habit, in front of everyone. You're welcome. <3
I've been doing a lot of reading about habits the past week, sort of by accident. I ordered two books (one audio & one hard copy) because as I'm sure you're not surprised, I can't read one book at a time. Both are going to an extensive length to stress the importance of habits; for daily life and creative life.
I can't say if it didn't happen to rain at 6 PM today, I would be sitting here writing this, because I'm sure I would be out in the garden or playing outside. As you can see the habit hasn't formed quite yet.
Habit: In simplest terms possible: something that you do so often and regularly
When most think of the word habit, they think of the negative habits they or someone they love has. Of course letting go of bad habits is important to make space for the good, but the creating of good habits is just as important.
So how does one start? Well, I am learning it's as simple as that first cigarette you have at the park swing set, except it probably won't make your head spin or make you want to throw up. Even if it does, still do it. The key is to do it enough times, that it becomes part of your subconscious. Choose your good habits as often as you find yourself nibbling on that fingernail without thinking about it.
Find something that will make you show up everyday. Routine helps, but as a caregiver allow me to remind you, an unrealistic routine can backfire. Too many things happen here for me to get into a routine of "I must do this, at this same time," because that one time Steve's up and needs me during my routine and I crumble, snap, pop, and break down to no longer having one; just doesn't work.
So to help me work to stick this habit, it isn't I show up at 7 AM every morning and write; it's I will find the space of time to sit at that desk and write something ANYTIME today, even if it's just a paragraph. There now a realistic goal I can keep enough to help form the habit.
So here it is, me learning how to form a healthy habit, in front of everyone. You're welcome. <3
If you don't like my fire...(passionate one this time, not the green kind)
Had some laptop troubles this week, so the blog was on pause, but I'm back. :)
So, today I'm here to stir up some controversy to make up for my missed time.
I had a boyfriend once, who had me convinced my purpose in life was to attend classes, come home clean/cook/ and wait for him to come home. I lost most of my friends and most of myself to this guy. Suddenly one day, someone asked me to model for them, thus introducing me to new people. I started modeling while finishing grad school, which lead me to new people reminding me that I have actual feelings, emotions, and imagine this, opinions.
A few months into my new life, I watched a documentary that made all kinds of things click for me, that made me decide to be a vegetarian. One day I brought this boyfriend to a party, and someone asked me about my new decision to not eat meat. After I very thoughtfully explained my choice, he suggested it was time to leave. On the way home he said, "You know you're much prettier, when you stand and smile, instead of speaking your mind so loudly."
Of course, I smiled, and shut up like the good little girl I was at the time. Thankfully this boyfriend did me the best favor of all time, and broke up with me shortly after. Albeit in the worst way possible, but I was then sent on my way to find my voice again. I wish I could say I immediately regained my spine quickly, but it took several years for me to do so. From where I sit today, I will never allow someone to take away my voice again.
This (past 5) year(s) I have had several people suggest things to me like, "You shouldn't be so vocal about causes when you're trying to push your own cause." "Maybe you should tone down the activism, people will stop following you." or the ever so common, "Maybe if you weren't lecturing me with this, I would hear what you're saying." Another favorite, "You would be more successful if you chose 1 passion, and stuck with it." "You care about too many things."
Let me start this by saying, I'm forever grateful for a man like Steve to be on this journey with. When we decided to share our story so vocally we also decided to share ourselves. OUR REAL selves. Not only is Steve on board with me sharing myself, he is constantly reminding me not to loose myself in the midst of care-giving life. This man is the ideal partner in a world where strong women are often silenced. Real men, really do empower women. There will never be a time where Steve and I will remain quiet on something we feel passionate about because we might loose followers. It's not the tribe we are trying to build here.
On to the lecture comment, that if you saw a post I made this morning: I spoke on this happening twice this week alone. That's just this week. I've been told maybe a hundred times the past 5 years, the because I am strongly speaking out about something I believe in, it sounds like I'm lecturing everybody. To me, I consider this statement to be insulting. Now I know I'm perceiving it this way, much like those offended by my posts are perceiving my words as a lecture, and it's not always intended this way but I want to speak on this. I've seen this phrase used to remind women, "You should be gentle, soft spoken, and tread lightly." I'm here to say, women please roar; scream, shout, curse, speak as loudly and as passionately as you want. Never let someone convince you that your passion, is too much. If it is for them, that's not your fault. They can simply choose not to read your posts. It's that simple. I will never allow someone else to silence me again, and I hope that every female reading this feels empowered to live the same.
Last but not least; PEOPLE there is no such thing as too many passions or caring too much. Please stop insulting my intelligence by thinking my mind is too little to hold all my many passions. Maybe I don't want your definition of success for my life anyways. Someone telling me I'm too passionate in my mind means, "Hope I think I know what your time is better used for." Honey, no you don't.
I beg of everyone reading this, two things.:
A. If someone is too much for you, simply remove them from your feed/life/whatever you have to do. DO NOT TRY TO PUT OUT THEIR DAMN FIRE.
B. IF someone's trying to put out your fire, tell them to kindly move along, to somewhere far away from you.
So, today I'm here to stir up some controversy to make up for my missed time.
I had a boyfriend once, who had me convinced my purpose in life was to attend classes, come home clean/cook/ and wait for him to come home. I lost most of my friends and most of myself to this guy. Suddenly one day, someone asked me to model for them, thus introducing me to new people. I started modeling while finishing grad school, which lead me to new people reminding me that I have actual feelings, emotions, and imagine this, opinions.
A few months into my new life, I watched a documentary that made all kinds of things click for me, that made me decide to be a vegetarian. One day I brought this boyfriend to a party, and someone asked me about my new decision to not eat meat. After I very thoughtfully explained my choice, he suggested it was time to leave. On the way home he said, "You know you're much prettier, when you stand and smile, instead of speaking your mind so loudly."
Of course, I smiled, and shut up like the good little girl I was at the time. Thankfully this boyfriend did me the best favor of all time, and broke up with me shortly after. Albeit in the worst way possible, but I was then sent on my way to find my voice again. I wish I could say I immediately regained my spine quickly, but it took several years for me to do so. From where I sit today, I will never allow someone to take away my voice again.
This (past 5) year(s) I have had several people suggest things to me like, "You shouldn't be so vocal about causes when you're trying to push your own cause." "Maybe you should tone down the activism, people will stop following you." or the ever so common, "Maybe if you weren't lecturing me with this, I would hear what you're saying." Another favorite, "You would be more successful if you chose 1 passion, and stuck with it." "You care about too many things."
Let me start this by saying, I'm forever grateful for a man like Steve to be on this journey with. When we decided to share our story so vocally we also decided to share ourselves. OUR REAL selves. Not only is Steve on board with me sharing myself, he is constantly reminding me not to loose myself in the midst of care-giving life. This man is the ideal partner in a world where strong women are often silenced. Real men, really do empower women. There will never be a time where Steve and I will remain quiet on something we feel passionate about because we might loose followers. It's not the tribe we are trying to build here.
On to the lecture comment, that if you saw a post I made this morning: I spoke on this happening twice this week alone. That's just this week. I've been told maybe a hundred times the past 5 years, the because I am strongly speaking out about something I believe in, it sounds like I'm lecturing everybody. To me, I consider this statement to be insulting. Now I know I'm perceiving it this way, much like those offended by my posts are perceiving my words as a lecture, and it's not always intended this way but I want to speak on this. I've seen this phrase used to remind women, "You should be gentle, soft spoken, and tread lightly." I'm here to say, women please roar; scream, shout, curse, speak as loudly and as passionately as you want. Never let someone convince you that your passion, is too much. If it is for them, that's not your fault. They can simply choose not to read your posts. It's that simple. I will never allow someone else to silence me again, and I hope that every female reading this feels empowered to live the same.
Last but not least; PEOPLE there is no such thing as too many passions or caring too much. Please stop insulting my intelligence by thinking my mind is too little to hold all my many passions. Maybe I don't want your definition of success for my life anyways. Someone telling me I'm too passionate in my mind means, "Hope I think I know what your time is better used for." Honey, no you don't.
I beg of everyone reading this, two things.:
A. If someone is too much for you, simply remove them from your feed/life/whatever you have to do. DO NOT TRY TO PUT OUT THEIR DAMN FIRE.
B. IF someone's trying to put out your fire, tell them to kindly move along, to somewhere far away from you.
From idea to flow
Have you ever had a time where you have so many ideas running through your head, that you actually feel a bit tired from all that energy expended in your mind? That's how I feel right now. Typical me (It's the Vata in me for those who know Ayurveda), just wants to run with every wild idea, and thinks that I can really take them all on. So often I do attempt every wild idea, because until I try it on and see how it fits, I can't really discern if it's meant for me or not.
I share this process a lot maybe without going into full detail, because I feel like so many of us have wild ideas, and we think, "oh it's just another one of those," and blow them off. Since I've decided to start trying on a few of these wild ideas; I have found weaving and gardening; two of my favorite things to do right now.
When your mind won't stop, you do need to practice discernment in what you do pursue; but I think it's just as important to be open to the ideas. I now try out these ideas, and then ask myself, does this feel aligned with my higher purpose?
"Wait, Hope, how do you know that?" You ask.
Here's how I've learned to understand it. If I'm working on something, and I suddenly feel in the flow, while I have an emotional response; such as joy, excitement, amusement, even sometimes fear, then it's probably meant for me. If I feel the call to it multiple times a week to daily, and I continue to grow the ideas for this particular project, then it's one that sticks. If it's not for me, I will feel it; I will be disconnected to the project, I will loose the spark, or it will simply just repeatedly not work to where I finally realize I'm fighting with a much larger force than myself.
Another question I've been asked, and know others are thinking, "How do you know what your higher purpose is?"
From my perspective, my higher purpose has revealed itself to me overtime. I often chased certain things that I thought were my path towards my purpose, and prior to me being in tune with my feelings and intuitions thought I was on the right path, and eventually life came to dramatically steer me elsewhere. I've come to find my purpose as this: learning to love deeply and pure through caring for Steve, really opening up to all sides of myself, writing about my life in some form everyday (whether journal, book, blog) because writing helps me process life and helps others grow. I need to create things that helps me feel that alive joyful feeling, and continue to grow an eco system in my backyard and work towards my goal of being totally self sustainable one day. I will continue to be a warrior for our planet, for ALS, and for my freedom to be me.
Don't be afraid to try things, and if it gives you that feeling of "I have to do this" then follow that feeling. Don't allow it to become negative, protect it, practice and grow, and really trust your intuition. It's constantly guiding you, if you just listen.
I share this process a lot maybe without going into full detail, because I feel like so many of us have wild ideas, and we think, "oh it's just another one of those," and blow them off. Since I've decided to start trying on a few of these wild ideas; I have found weaving and gardening; two of my favorite things to do right now.
When your mind won't stop, you do need to practice discernment in what you do pursue; but I think it's just as important to be open to the ideas. I now try out these ideas, and then ask myself, does this feel aligned with my higher purpose?
"Wait, Hope, how do you know that?" You ask.
Here's how I've learned to understand it. If I'm working on something, and I suddenly feel in the flow, while I have an emotional response; such as joy, excitement, amusement, even sometimes fear, then it's probably meant for me. If I feel the call to it multiple times a week to daily, and I continue to grow the ideas for this particular project, then it's one that sticks. If it's not for me, I will feel it; I will be disconnected to the project, I will loose the spark, or it will simply just repeatedly not work to where I finally realize I'm fighting with a much larger force than myself.
Another question I've been asked, and know others are thinking, "How do you know what your higher purpose is?"
From my perspective, my higher purpose has revealed itself to me overtime. I often chased certain things that I thought were my path towards my purpose, and prior to me being in tune with my feelings and intuitions thought I was on the right path, and eventually life came to dramatically steer me elsewhere. I've come to find my purpose as this: learning to love deeply and pure through caring for Steve, really opening up to all sides of myself, writing about my life in some form everyday (whether journal, book, blog) because writing helps me process life and helps others grow. I need to create things that helps me feel that alive joyful feeling, and continue to grow an eco system in my backyard and work towards my goal of being totally self sustainable one day. I will continue to be a warrior for our planet, for ALS, and for my freedom to be me.
Don't be afraid to try things, and if it gives you that feeling of "I have to do this" then follow that feeling. Don't allow it to become negative, protect it, practice and grow, and really trust your intuition. It's constantly guiding you, if you just listen.
Because after all, I'm not an alien.
From migraines to dealing with skeezy health insurance, my week isn't what I had planned for it. Of course, by now in this journey I've grown accustomed to the ever changing winds. Having goals and hopes for the week are great, but being open to what comes is really my trick to survival.
I caught myself saying something awful to Steve the other day, that I sometimes can't believe I share with you all. Still the urge to type these words just won't leave me, so here I must again show my shadow to the world.
I said, "Ugh this is totally ruining my day." As I was working on something for him. Translation that couldn't be lost here, 'You're ruining my day.'
Steve, looking at me, tells me, "Hope Go," ignoring whatever it was that he needed at the time. To which I properly stormed out and proceeded to tell the insurance company where to stick it. Not my proudest moment.
Why? Right, why do I share these moments with you all? Yeah, sometimes I ask myself that very question. Truth is, I have so many people praise me on a daily basis, that my ego likes it, so days when I show the natural frustrations, I feel awful about myself.
It's probably no surprise to most that I would describe myself as an extremist. So days when I do show my shadow, it's hard for me to accept. I don't want to be that person. I guess even a part of me doesn't want to be human at all, right? I mean it has to be that extreme for me to expect myself never to say/do/think/feel anything negative.
This is just another case of learning to roll with where the day takes me. Sure I ate 3 cupcakes that day, and probably caused myself the migraine and I cussed out Steve, the dogs, and 5 different (innocent) people working for humana; but again, as I keep saying it doesn't make me a bad person.
So this is why. This is why I share. We (humans) often feel defeated after days like this, and I once did as well. I would enter a state of self loathing, that would take me to a bottom of an empty hole, leaving me to have to crawl my way back out. Now I feel the need for pause, a need for some self love. If I'm eating that many cupcakes and swearing at anyone I cross paths with (especially my dogs) then I need to stop trying to do it all.
So I did. Yesterday I didn't blog, and after doing the must do's with turning and cleaning Steve & making some must do phone calls, I shut off for the day and painted. Then ending the day with another I ate too much sugar migraine I let go of judging myself for that day, and laid in bed with Steve (more like next to him in our 'I love Lucy' bed arrangement) and said, "It's okay. It's all okay."
So what's the lesson in these scattered words? Let go of the judgement of yourself, when your shadow appears. It should go without saying, that I obviously strive for my days not to be like this, and I would hope most of us do as well; but the off days shouldn't leave us hating ourselves. It comes with life. f we didn't have an off day on the occasion, we wouldn't be human, and as much as I like to pretend I'm an alien; I'm not. I'm pretty sure you aren't either. :)
I caught myself saying something awful to Steve the other day, that I sometimes can't believe I share with you all. Still the urge to type these words just won't leave me, so here I must again show my shadow to the world.
I said, "Ugh this is totally ruining my day." As I was working on something for him. Translation that couldn't be lost here, 'You're ruining my day.'
Steve, looking at me, tells me, "Hope Go," ignoring whatever it was that he needed at the time. To which I properly stormed out and proceeded to tell the insurance company where to stick it. Not my proudest moment.
Why? Right, why do I share these moments with you all? Yeah, sometimes I ask myself that very question. Truth is, I have so many people praise me on a daily basis, that my ego likes it, so days when I show the natural frustrations, I feel awful about myself.
It's probably no surprise to most that I would describe myself as an extremist. So days when I do show my shadow, it's hard for me to accept. I don't want to be that person. I guess even a part of me doesn't want to be human at all, right? I mean it has to be that extreme for me to expect myself never to say/do/think/feel anything negative.
This is just another case of learning to roll with where the day takes me. Sure I ate 3 cupcakes that day, and probably caused myself the migraine and I cussed out Steve, the dogs, and 5 different (innocent) people working for humana; but again, as I keep saying it doesn't make me a bad person.
So this is why. This is why I share. We (humans) often feel defeated after days like this, and I once did as well. I would enter a state of self loathing, that would take me to a bottom of an empty hole, leaving me to have to crawl my way back out. Now I feel the need for pause, a need for some self love. If I'm eating that many cupcakes and swearing at anyone I cross paths with (especially my dogs) then I need to stop trying to do it all.
So I did. Yesterday I didn't blog, and after doing the must do's with turning and cleaning Steve & making some must do phone calls, I shut off for the day and painted. Then ending the day with another I ate too much sugar migraine I let go of judging myself for that day, and laid in bed with Steve (more like next to him in our 'I love Lucy' bed arrangement) and said, "It's okay. It's all okay."
So what's the lesson in these scattered words? Let go of the judgement of yourself, when your shadow appears. It should go without saying, that I obviously strive for my days not to be like this, and I would hope most of us do as well; but the off days shouldn't leave us hating ourselves. It comes with life. f we didn't have an off day on the occasion, we wouldn't be human, and as much as I like to pretend I'm an alien; I'm not. I'm pretty sure you aren't either. :)
Brandon Boyd dropping knowledge on me. :)
You know that glimmer of an old piece of your life that pops up in your mind like a projector showing a film, when you hear an old song. My whole morning has been full of clips popping up, and often forcing me to the ground, having to sit and breathe to remind myself that I'm here and not in that clip.
Deja Vu often reaches me in the mornings, and then I find myself spending an hour chasing the old feeling or memory around. Half the time my intentions are to find a thread to pull on for writing, and the other half is just trying to find meaning in why that memory came up in this moment.
Today I just sat with it, and decided to use music. So here I sit listening to some Incubus from late 90s early 2000s. Brandon Boyd's voice bringing out my inner screaming fan girl, and then I heard it. My favorite lyric of all time, and it made this blog happen.
"And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear take the wheel and steer..."
The other day I had a conversation with myself about this. I was having a little mean girl moment, with pretty much everyone around me, and I started feeling like I was officially becoming a bad person. As I sat reflecting on my actions, a thought came to me that I will probably write an entire chapter on (hopefully soon).
I'm not a bad person, I'm a scared person.
After this last hospital visit, I was allowing fear take the wheel and steer. I didn't even fight it, I just handed the wheel over, and willingly sat myself in the backseat just reacting to where all the car was driving me.
So following up with yesterday's blog on regaining my power, and how I did it; I had to admit I was afraid.
Afraid of what, Hope?
If you're asking that you must not be following us that closely, but I'll answer. The longer you live with an illness like ALS, the more it will dig into Steve's body and cause destruction. So yes, naturally the fear of what's next.
Acknowledging the fear, helped me gain power back over it, and then deciding I didn't want to live in this space, gave me even more; until I was finally strong enough to put my hands firmly back on the wheel to drive.
So thanks Brandon Boyd. :) For bringing me a little nostalgia in my morning lessons, and reminding me to keep my hands firmly on the wheel. Because I am in charge here.
Deja Vu often reaches me in the mornings, and then I find myself spending an hour chasing the old feeling or memory around. Half the time my intentions are to find a thread to pull on for writing, and the other half is just trying to find meaning in why that memory came up in this moment.
Today I just sat with it, and decided to use music. So here I sit listening to some Incubus from late 90s early 2000s. Brandon Boyd's voice bringing out my inner screaming fan girl, and then I heard it. My favorite lyric of all time, and it made this blog happen.
"And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear take the wheel and steer..."
The other day I had a conversation with myself about this. I was having a little mean girl moment, with pretty much everyone around me, and I started feeling like I was officially becoming a bad person. As I sat reflecting on my actions, a thought came to me that I will probably write an entire chapter on (hopefully soon).
I'm not a bad person, I'm a scared person.
After this last hospital visit, I was allowing fear take the wheel and steer. I didn't even fight it, I just handed the wheel over, and willingly sat myself in the backseat just reacting to where all the car was driving me.
So following up with yesterday's blog on regaining my power, and how I did it; I had to admit I was afraid.
Afraid of what, Hope?
If you're asking that you must not be following us that closely, but I'll answer. The longer you live with an illness like ALS, the more it will dig into Steve's body and cause destruction. So yes, naturally the fear of what's next.
Acknowledging the fear, helped me gain power back over it, and then deciding I didn't want to live in this space, gave me even more; until I was finally strong enough to put my hands firmly back on the wheel to drive.
So thanks Brandon Boyd. :) For bringing me a little nostalgia in my morning lessons, and reminding me to keep my hands firmly on the wheel. Because I am in charge here.