Walk your talk...
I need to give some credit to this book I've been reading daily, Earth Medicine, by Jamie Sams. I do daily readings, and then sometimes just pick it up and open to a page to see what message I get. Since starting this book I've taken loads of inspiration from it to write in the blog.
A part of today's reading: "Walk your talk, don't talk your walk!!"
Wow. I sat staring at these words for a few minutes, as I drank my coffee, and reflected on how many times I'm talking the walk, but not walking the talk. It reminded me of a conversation I was having with a new teacher that was recently introduced to me; about how you can read all of these books, and fill your head with all this knowledge, but unless you actually apply it to your life it's sort of useless, right?
How many times I speak out about loving everyone, and I then turn around and judge someone. I talk about how to stay focused, and then I turn around and scroll on my phone for 15 minutes. I know I'm not alone here. It takes work to show up daily and walk your talk. It takes constant self reflection to assure you're living a congruent life. It also takes loads of love for yourself.
Because we aren't perfect and it's easy to give up when we've made a mistake, right? Oh what's the use, I messed up ALREADY!? I know I've said that a time or two, but there is a use. It may take you 4 or 5 tries but when it sticks you will see just how capable you really are to live that life you want.
Today I'm going to spend some time reflecting on all the ways in which I need to walk my talk, instead of talk my walk. I will be gentle but honest with myself, and then I will start the work to walking tall in my talk. Because that's what life is about.
A part of today's reading: "Walk your talk, don't talk your walk!!"
Wow. I sat staring at these words for a few minutes, as I drank my coffee, and reflected on how many times I'm talking the walk, but not walking the talk. It reminded me of a conversation I was having with a new teacher that was recently introduced to me; about how you can read all of these books, and fill your head with all this knowledge, but unless you actually apply it to your life it's sort of useless, right?
How many times I speak out about loving everyone, and I then turn around and judge someone. I talk about how to stay focused, and then I turn around and scroll on my phone for 15 minutes. I know I'm not alone here. It takes work to show up daily and walk your talk. It takes constant self reflection to assure you're living a congruent life. It also takes loads of love for yourself.
Because we aren't perfect and it's easy to give up when we've made a mistake, right? Oh what's the use, I messed up ALREADY!? I know I've said that a time or two, but there is a use. It may take you 4 or 5 tries but when it sticks you will see just how capable you really are to live that life you want.
Today I'm going to spend some time reflecting on all the ways in which I need to walk my talk, instead of talk my walk. I will be gentle but honest with myself, and then I will start the work to walking tall in my talk. Because that's what life is about.
Attaching to a story...
"It's not the feelings, it's the story you attach to the feelings." It's something that I've heard people talk about more times than I can count. I don't know that I ever fully processed it until recently. Feeling is normal, and you have to feel them to really get through them, but attaching to them because you attach a story to it, makes it stick.
Stick for how long, is up to you. See it's truly up to us to work through these feelings, and let go of them. If we hold on to them for years, that's on us. Even if someone did something for us to truly hold on to, and attach them to that feeling. He/She did this to make me angry or sad or violated, etc.
Sure they did, but are they making you hold on to those feelings? Nope. They sure aren't. Forgiveness isn't just a word people throw around because it's good for you. Forgiveness is healing. Feeling life, working through it, and LETTING go; is the only way to live a full life. Who are you hurting by carrying around all this baggage? I'll answer that for you. You're hurting yourself.
I know you are all thinking, goodness who does Hope need to forgive? Truth is, I feel like I've worked through forgiveness, but my current process is learning to not attach a story to the feeling from the start. To really feel it, let it out however it needs to come out, and move on without the story. That's some next level stuff right there.
Knowing what I need to work on, is just the first step. Consistently trying it no matter how many times I don't get it right, is the hard part. I just know that in order to live the life I want, it's an important step.
So I will practice the art of non attachment in ways I never thought of it applying. Not attaching to a story. What story are y'all holding on to? Is it time to let something go? Feel free to share it with me.
Listen.
At a young age I think the question that was most asked of me was, "Are you listening?" The attention span of mine hadn't really kicked in, and it was almost impossible for me to truly listen to people. I struggled, but never wanted to admit it. It wasn't that I was as slow as people often thought, it was that I hadn't learned how to really listen.
Of course I was hearing the words coming out of people's mouths, but processing them, understanding them, or absorbing them; that was not happening. I was often sent to this special program in school, because they assumed my home life was too much for me to process which is why I was behind in school.
That may have played a small rule, but truth was I just did not know how to listen to people. It's interesting looking back at my life, as I have been doing loads of to attempt to find any memories relevant for the book. I HAVE NEVER been a good listener. Even when friends thought that I was. Even when I went on to school to have my career to be LISTENING to people.
By the time I was an active counselor, I was able to listen enough to people for them to feel like they were being heard. I had everyone around me convinced that I was a great listener, and really great at helping others. Hell, even I was convinced. Truth is until I truly learned to be okay with silence, is really the only time I began to listen. To sit in stillness and really hear.
I find myself still having to grow my listening skills, as I still have the habit of talking over people. I do it to everyone, without exception. You aren't truly listening to someone if you are thinking of your response the whole time they are talking. You aren't truly listening to someone if you are thinking of your to do list the whole time they are talking. You aren't truly listening to someone if you aren't sitting in stillness and observing the person as they talk.
As I've been working on less talking and more listening, it's amazed me how much I can learn and retain. When I shut up and listen to people whether it's them talking about their lives, doctors talking about what's going on with Steve, people trying to teach me new things, or Steve telling me what he needs; every time I sit and really listen; I learn something new.
When you can start listening with your ears, you can start listening wit other senses, and then listening to the heart, listening to the earth, nature, the unspoken,... How do you think it is now that I know Steve needs me before he rings his alarm? I would say as often as 9 times out of 10 if I'm tuned in I feel him need me, but listening to my gut.
Growing my listening skills is something that I will work on the rest of my life. Learning to listen with everything and not just my ears. Learning to talk less and hear more. The reading from my earth medicine book today, again sparked this blog. It reads, "When you learn to enter the stillness and you sit for hours without movement or sound, you may hear the oneness. From that understanding, you may discover the sounds of the all unfolding."
Are you listening?
The itch of restlessness....
Today's word of the day: restless. Some days I just wake up and I feel like I slept in a bed of ants. The only solution to this, normally, is to allow myself to sit in silence for a while. Today after a very unfocused yoga session, while attempting to meditate I scratched my head, face, neck, arms, etc 100 times in 20 minutes. So much for sitting in silence.
Inhale. Exhale.
What does one do when they can't even do the one thing that always calms them? Well, the high school runner in me just felt the itch, literally, to run. Well, it's not like I can just leave to go run the neighborhood, I tried owning a treadmill once; that ended up being a laundry rack. So, what's a girl to do when she needs to release some energy?
She runs, back and forth on her deck until she can't run anymore. The dogs both running with me confused as to why I'm just running to run and not trying to chase a squirrel or one of our many backyard pets. I ran for about 20 minutes laughing at myself tripping over the dogs, watching Steve the several times I passed the french doors in our bedroom give me the look of confusion. He's in there thinking, "Now what's that woman of mine out there doing now?"
I was spending about 30 minutes after I attempted to meditate trying to determine, what I needed to calm me, what I should blog on, what I needed to do with my day, etc; and then when I let all the "what SHOULD I be doings" all go, and just started running, it became clear to me.
Let go Hope. I just kept thinking it over and over. Let go. Let go.
This past hospital visit, I was kindly named the control freak. :) It's okay to be the hovering caregiver, especially when I'm his biggest advocate; but to try to control EVERYTHING in life, is not working. I was trying to CONTROL the energy rather than letting it go.
Of course, releasing control of things doesn't mean becoming lax and not taking care of my responsibilities. A friend of mine came to visit this past week, and she said to me something she read, "Instead of giving yourself a list of things you SHOULD be doing, think of it as if I really wanted I could do this today." To start seeing myself as capable of doing the things, and releasing some pressure. Realizing that most of the course of the day is out of my control, and what I do have control of is my reactions.
So there you have it. Unconventional running mornings for the win.
What do you need to let go of? I'm sure I'm not alone here. Share with me, if you're up for it. xox
Listening to your feelings, to navigate your need for balance.
We have an owl that lives in our backyard, and today while I was reading my earth medicine daily readings, I heard the owl talking to me. So I stopped and really focused on what I was reading and it said, "The will is directed by our emotions and intuitive feelings, When we are cut of from these feelings, we enter a state of confusion."
Something that life continues to teach me, is that without balance, I will be knocked off my path. When I'm in the flow, and I'm too focused on going, doing, creating, making, helping, doing, going, going, going....I always end up somewhere off path, lost searching around surrounded by trees and no clear idea how I got there; confused, unfocused, and frustrated. However, if I remember to find the balance of work and play, flow and pause, going and stopping; I can enjoy the beauty along the path without getting lost so many times. If I trust my feelings and allow them to determine the pace, I find myself focused, happy, peaceful, healthy, and all the good adjectives.
I have become pretty clear on what I want my life to be, and I've gotten pretty in tune with my self, that if I really stop and listen to what I'm feeling, it guides me. My biggest challenge I will have to overcome is that when I'm feeling overwhelmed instead of taking a break; I forge on through. Because, to me taking a break sometimes is making excuses. I should be doing this, I have all this to do, I want to be doing all this, ideas, needs, responsibilities, .... Then I reach the not so pretty crash and burn further down after weeks or months not listening to that need for a breather. It's a cycle, that is up to me to put an end to.
If I actually stay in tune to myself instead of trying to allow others to determine my flow of life, I find myself in my favorite day dream. Okay, let me paint it for you. :)
If any of you are Incubus fans, this song is playing, Aqueous Transmission. I'm laying safe on a raft and floating down a river, perfect flow. I see what's going on around me, I can process it & feel it. I grow, I learn, and I make impact on people I'm passing by. Life seems to flow to the pace that serves me best, and even when the rapids get rough, I'm strong enough to hold on.
I am starting to listen. Yesterday we ended up having to turn Steve twice, and I really felt depleted and sick going to bed last night. I had a mental fog, sore throat, and barely any energy. I turned off my alarm, and slept until 8:30 today. Which, I haven't done in a few months. I value my morning time, so I'm usually up and going by 6:30. That extra sleep helped any signs of the sickies coming to go away, as well as helped me regain some focus. Life is all about paying attention to your feelings to keep your balance.
Learning to better use my energy and time, will ultimately be the biggest thing I learn in life. Yeah, you read that correctly. I have so much I want to do in life, and learning how to keep my balance while I strive; is how I'll make the impact on the world, that I can do. Listen to your inner self because your intuition is always there to guide if, if you just tune in.
Something that life continues to teach me, is that without balance, I will be knocked off my path. When I'm in the flow, and I'm too focused on going, doing, creating, making, helping, doing, going, going, going....I always end up somewhere off path, lost searching around surrounded by trees and no clear idea how I got there; confused, unfocused, and frustrated. However, if I remember to find the balance of work and play, flow and pause, going and stopping; I can enjoy the beauty along the path without getting lost so many times. If I trust my feelings and allow them to determine the pace, I find myself focused, happy, peaceful, healthy, and all the good adjectives.
I have become pretty clear on what I want my life to be, and I've gotten pretty in tune with my self, that if I really stop and listen to what I'm feeling, it guides me. My biggest challenge I will have to overcome is that when I'm feeling overwhelmed instead of taking a break; I forge on through. Because, to me taking a break sometimes is making excuses. I should be doing this, I have all this to do, I want to be doing all this, ideas, needs, responsibilities, .... Then I reach the not so pretty crash and burn further down after weeks or months not listening to that need for a breather. It's a cycle, that is up to me to put an end to.
If I actually stay in tune to myself instead of trying to allow others to determine my flow of life, I find myself in my favorite day dream. Okay, let me paint it for you. :)
If any of you are Incubus fans, this song is playing, Aqueous Transmission. I'm laying safe on a raft and floating down a river, perfect flow. I see what's going on around me, I can process it & feel it. I grow, I learn, and I make impact on people I'm passing by. Life seems to flow to the pace that serves me best, and even when the rapids get rough, I'm strong enough to hold on.
I am starting to listen. Yesterday we ended up having to turn Steve twice, and I really felt depleted and sick going to bed last night. I had a mental fog, sore throat, and barely any energy. I turned off my alarm, and slept until 8:30 today. Which, I haven't done in a few months. I value my morning time, so I'm usually up and going by 6:30. That extra sleep helped any signs of the sickies coming to go away, as well as helped me regain some focus. Life is all about paying attention to your feelings to keep your balance.
Learning to better use my energy and time, will ultimately be the biggest thing I learn in life. Yeah, you read that correctly. I have so much I want to do in life, and learning how to keep my balance while I strive; is how I'll make the impact on the world, that I can do. Listen to your inner self because your intuition is always there to guide if, if you just tune in.
Specifics.
For those that follow my blog, you notice I took my social media cleanse to total silence half way through, which ultimately was interrupted by a hospital visit. Well, I'm back. :)
As I'm slowly easing back into a routine, that I loose even with such a short hospital visit; I am slowly clearing the hospital/sleep deprived/anxious fog. I want to start this blog with some gratitude:
1. Steve didn't want to go to the hospital, but after a full night and morning of this anxiety/breathing stuff he decided it was time to go. He didn't have to change his mind, but I'm so thankful he did. We were able to get a lot done in the hospital, that helped ease my mind of a lot of unknown. It's a beautiful blessing to me and all who get to witness his journey the determination he shows, while showing up with love and kindness and a smile through it all.
2. On this same topic, the hospital staff all understand Steve's wishes to be home, and they hustled. If you follow facebook you saw all he had done, but here is a list for those who want to know. Trache change, discovering a collapsed right lobe in lung (chronic pneumonia & ALS), vent setting changes, bronchoscopy, picc line change, cultures on everything (literally), discovering new infections, removal of ingrown infected toenail, wound care, ultra sounds, new foley catheter, list of new orders to make life easier at home, & a blood transfusion. Also, they never give up on us, no matter how many complications we add to the list they are always willing to work through everything with us.
3. My in laws for all their help the past month or so. Lots has been happening that requires a load of extra help. When our list of people to call on becomes less and less, despite them being in their 70s are there at the drop of a hat to help me with Steve. Often days, when I have NO one else. Literally.
4. Our home health team (pharmacy, nursing, aid, & respiratory): ya'll always ride the waves with us. We couldn't do this journey with out you.
5. Wrap it up with a thank you to those who step up when we are sinking. Without hesitation or excuses you come to our aide. There's too many to list, but you know who you are.
As I continue to get Steve and I settled, and we incorporate some new things into our routine, my main focus will be researching ways to rid these infections. What once was a colonized lung infection has started spreading to multiple areas. Is it alarming? Of course. I won't sugar coat it. There were no words needed in the hospital as the cultures began growing more and more, everyone's faces read what they needed to say. No one wants to see Steve have more battle added to his list. It's just a lot, and it's hard.
So yes I am feeling that reality, but I will not give up hope. Just as Steve is still doing his best to live life on his terms, as he's shining that light from within; I will do my best to help ease some of the burden on his body. As a caregiver, I used to feel the need to defend myself with outsiders on why this was happening to Steve. I would constantly explain my actions, and feel like I had something to prove to everyone. If I'm honest I don't know why I'm writing this in past tense. Before leaving for the hospital I begged Steve to finally let me wash his hair, because I didn't want to deal with all the judgmental stares and comments. Of course, he was too sick to worry about his hair, and my ego needed to take a back seat. There were indeed a few comments, but mostly as I worked hard to change my perspective I was able to see that it's all me.
Truth is, much of why things happen to Steve is unknown, and much is the fact that because he has gastroparesus and doesn't get to eat real food; his body can only do so much. An Ayurvedic proverb I learned in class was "When diet is wrong, medicine is of no use. When diet is correct, medicine is of no need." While, we are so blessed with the best team to follow Steve weekly for his TPN (IV nutrition) and it saved his life, and continues to do so; it only goes so far.
So, now that we have an almost healed sore on that booty instead of a scary not healing sore; we can begin to plan our action to get that stomach accepting some nutrition. That's first, second is herbal remedies that he can tolerate also. We did start this after our last hospital visit, but we immediately stopped when the sore came because of bathroom talk. When you are fed IV food, BMs happen once every other week or so, instead of the goal of daily with food by stomach. With a sore down there, and having just overcome sepsis, Steve put up the stop sign on the stomach; for good reasons.
If you've ever wanted to know how to pray specifically for Steve or what to visualize for him, here it is. Heal sore, stomach begin to tolerate foods, stomach also to tolerate some natural remedies, and infections to clear.
I know that Steve's exhausted, he's been literally battling (people often tell me not to use that word, but that is the TRUTH) for his life this entire year. As long as he does I'm right there beside him.
Onward & upward warriors.
As I'm slowly easing back into a routine, that I loose even with such a short hospital visit; I am slowly clearing the hospital/sleep deprived/anxious fog. I want to start this blog with some gratitude:
1. Steve didn't want to go to the hospital, but after a full night and morning of this anxiety/breathing stuff he decided it was time to go. He didn't have to change his mind, but I'm so thankful he did. We were able to get a lot done in the hospital, that helped ease my mind of a lot of unknown. It's a beautiful blessing to me and all who get to witness his journey the determination he shows, while showing up with love and kindness and a smile through it all.
2. On this same topic, the hospital staff all understand Steve's wishes to be home, and they hustled. If you follow facebook you saw all he had done, but here is a list for those who want to know. Trache change, discovering a collapsed right lobe in lung (chronic pneumonia & ALS), vent setting changes, bronchoscopy, picc line change, cultures on everything (literally), discovering new infections, removal of ingrown infected toenail, wound care, ultra sounds, new foley catheter, list of new orders to make life easier at home, & a blood transfusion. Also, they never give up on us, no matter how many complications we add to the list they are always willing to work through everything with us.
3. My in laws for all their help the past month or so. Lots has been happening that requires a load of extra help. When our list of people to call on becomes less and less, despite them being in their 70s are there at the drop of a hat to help me with Steve. Often days, when I have NO one else. Literally.
4. Our home health team (pharmacy, nursing, aid, & respiratory): ya'll always ride the waves with us. We couldn't do this journey with out you.
5. Wrap it up with a thank you to those who step up when we are sinking. Without hesitation or excuses you come to our aide. There's too many to list, but you know who you are.
As I continue to get Steve and I settled, and we incorporate some new things into our routine, my main focus will be researching ways to rid these infections. What once was a colonized lung infection has started spreading to multiple areas. Is it alarming? Of course. I won't sugar coat it. There were no words needed in the hospital as the cultures began growing more and more, everyone's faces read what they needed to say. No one wants to see Steve have more battle added to his list. It's just a lot, and it's hard.
So yes I am feeling that reality, but I will not give up hope. Just as Steve is still doing his best to live life on his terms, as he's shining that light from within; I will do my best to help ease some of the burden on his body. As a caregiver, I used to feel the need to defend myself with outsiders on why this was happening to Steve. I would constantly explain my actions, and feel like I had something to prove to everyone. If I'm honest I don't know why I'm writing this in past tense. Before leaving for the hospital I begged Steve to finally let me wash his hair, because I didn't want to deal with all the judgmental stares and comments. Of course, he was too sick to worry about his hair, and my ego needed to take a back seat. There were indeed a few comments, but mostly as I worked hard to change my perspective I was able to see that it's all me.
Truth is, much of why things happen to Steve is unknown, and much is the fact that because he has gastroparesus and doesn't get to eat real food; his body can only do so much. An Ayurvedic proverb I learned in class was "When diet is wrong, medicine is of no use. When diet is correct, medicine is of no need." While, we are so blessed with the best team to follow Steve weekly for his TPN (IV nutrition) and it saved his life, and continues to do so; it only goes so far.
So, now that we have an almost healed sore on that booty instead of a scary not healing sore; we can begin to plan our action to get that stomach accepting some nutrition. That's first, second is herbal remedies that he can tolerate also. We did start this after our last hospital visit, but we immediately stopped when the sore came because of bathroom talk. When you are fed IV food, BMs happen once every other week or so, instead of the goal of daily with food by stomach. With a sore down there, and having just overcome sepsis, Steve put up the stop sign on the stomach; for good reasons.
If you've ever wanted to know how to pray specifically for Steve or what to visualize for him, here it is. Heal sore, stomach begin to tolerate foods, stomach also to tolerate some natural remedies, and infections to clear.
I know that Steve's exhausted, he's been literally battling (people often tell me not to use that word, but that is the TRUTH) for his life this entire year. As long as he does I'm right there beside him.
Onward & upward warriors.